When Life is Hard...

I won't go into all the datails, but life has been incredibly difficult the past couple of months. Problems pile on top of problems, crisis after crisis. No sooner do I crawl back onto my feet from one blow than the rug is pulled out from under me again.

This is a real crisis of faith. Well, I'm not sure that's the right way to state that. I believe that God is in control, that he loves me and that he has my best interests at heart. I also believe that he lets incredibly terrible things happen to me. Not just to me, but to a lot of us. I don't understand it. I truly don't.

I don't know how to reconcile the God who lets terrible things happen to his people and the God who gave all for me. How does the same God give his own son, his own son who is fully God and fully man and who gave his own life, how is it that he tells Satan that he can do what he wants with Job except killing him. So Job has any number of calamities that befall him. His children all die, his wealth is gone and then his health is destroyed. His "friends" berate him, telling him that it is because of something he has done, basically that he deserves what is happening.

God's response is a long talk with the basic message that we cannot know the mind of God and that we should not so presume that we should.

I do not know the mind of God. I was not there when he formed the universe. I was not there when he hung the stars. I was not there when he taught the morning star to sing. I admit this. I do not in any way suggest that I should know how things should go. I do say that these things suck and I cannot fathom how they can be from the hand of a loving God. He is not cruel, though these things seem cruel. He is not capricious, though his ways sometimes seem so. These things seem diabolical. I say these things from my mind. My heart is completely different. My heart is crying out "why?" or rather "why me?" I wonder if I have done something to deserve this, and I wonder if there is something about me that should expect life to suck so that I am not completely blindsided by suffering, by pain.

This latest trial , or series of trials has me questioning not my faith, but who God is. I mean who is he really? Can we ever understand even a portion of who he is?

I keep hearing snippets of Scripture in my mind. "Shall we accept good from his hand and not evil?" "My ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts." (paraphrased of course). Parts of God's discourse to Job keep coming back. The "where were you" or "were you there when" portions are filling my mind.

I've been reading Jeremiah, and thinking about what God has allowed in his peoples lives, and what he has asked them to do, knowing the enormous pain and suffering that would be to come. It is unfathomable to me. I try to tell myself that it is because I cannot see beyond this world, cannot see outside of time, but the truth is that I am really upset.

I go back and forth between pain and anger and trust. I am beginning to understand the words of Peter in a new way. When Jesus asks him if he is going to leave with the others who have taken off due to a very uncomfortable teaching and strange words he has said, Peter replies "Where else can I go? Yours are the words of eternal life." In the past I thought these were brave and noble words and imagined them spoken with trust and faith and resolve. Now I hear them said with resignation, wearily, perhaps in frustration and anger. Where else can I go? There is nowhere else for me. If God isn't who he says he is then all is lost anyway.

The question remains how do I reconcile these disparate images of God, these two truths about God? How do I reconcile his goodness and lovingkindness, his mercy and his grace with the horror that he allows his people to go through? How do I deal with Job? How do I deal with Stephen being stoned? How do I handle all of the imprisonments of his people? I know we do not live for today, but we have to live in today. We feel all of our sufferings. We are not immune from the pains even if we know the reason for it, which I don't.

I feel I have lost my reputation, my good name. We have worked hard to restore or credit after previous difficulties, but it seems that the moment we come close to pulling out of the mess, we have another series of troubles that keep us from ever really pulling out altogether.

This latest series of downturns is more disappointing and upsetting than any that have gone before. Perhaps because it seems so capricious and unbelievable. The constancy of the pressure is wearing me down.

Satan is really giving me a hard time, whispering things at me that would deflate me. I don't know how much of the distress I am feeling is the result of Satan's work; of him telling me things to cause doubt, distrust, defeat and discouragement.

I'm fairly certain that some of what I am feeling is the result of his work--the persistent feeling that I have been singled out for God's punishment, his discipline, his displeasure. So I'm spending a lot of time trying to think through things. How can I be singled out for his punishment, discipline and displeasure when I was also singled out for his unbelievable gift of salvation. Compared to that why should I fight against whatever God sends me?

Imponderable.

I Can't, I Won't and You Can't Make Me

I think one of the hardest things to do in this life is to ask for help. I've had to learn to ask for help with some things (like lugging the 50 lb. sack of dog food out of the cart and into my truck), but I still don't ask for help out with the groceries even if I'm limping like a three-legged dog. There is a prideful part of me that says I should not ask for help unless I really need it, which means if it cannot possibly get done any other way. A painful limp does not make it impossible, merely difficult, so I stick my chin out and do it my own self.

I have carried this to ridiculous extremes at times, refusing to ask someone else to open the jar of spaghetti sauce, for instance. I have not ever had a hard time letting someone else change my tire, though. Not sure why, maybe because I've never had to ask, kind gentlemen just stop and offer their assistance (thus making gracious acceptance the right thing to do).

Probably the most difficult thing for me is to ask for financial help. This is humbling and humiliating beyond anything I can think of, aside from a public pelvic exam. I don't know if this is a universal human reaction, or an American reaction or merely my own, but this is something I DO NOT do. The situation has to be dire.

Lately the situation has been dire, and today, coming to the end of myself, I was forced to ask a friend for help. I don't know if I could have gotten the words out, but her help was offered before I could even ask, and part of me, the hugest part of me, my pride, my sense of who I am wanted to say, no thank you, I'll be fine. She would have known I was lying.

Let me suggest to any of you who want to go into contracting, either as a general or a sub-contractor, that you carefully calculate your estimated costs and expenses, your equipment and staffing needs, weigh them, add them, go over them twice, and when you have come up with the minimum required number, double it. This is the minimum of what you need to make this work. From the start hire a good bookkeeper, buy the right software and put someone in charge of ensuring that billings are done, that collections are pursued and that all bills are reviewed and paid.

If you are a general contractor, let me make this plea--never let your subs dangle. Always pay them on time, and do due diligence with the owner to ensure that they have the financial capability to do the project and verify as best you can that they will not leave you and your subs hanging out to dry.

Do not assume that huge projects for Fortune 500 companies are safe. Assume that they will be worse than just about anyone else in paying their bills.

Unless you do this, you could take on projects that will give you sleepless nights worrying about paying your bills, worrying about hanging your subs out to dry. You could leave your subs begging for money to meet payroll.

If you are considering being a subcontractor, please carefully consider your ability to carry the full cost of jobs on your back for 60 - 90 days. For though payments are supposed to be made within about 20 days, I can assure you that is rare. If you find a company that treats you well and fairly, and pays on time, never undervalue that relationship.

A poem by Madeleine L'Engle

...Set To The Music Of The Spheres

Pain is a partner I did not request;
This is a dance I did not ask to join;
whirled in a waltz when I would stop and rest,
Jolted and jerked, I ache in bone and loin.
Pain strives to hold me close in his embrace;
If I resist and try to pull away
His grasp grows tighter; closer comes his face;
hotter his breath. If he is here to stay
Then I must learn to dance this painful dance,
Move to its rhythm, keep my lagging feet
In time with his. Thus have I a chance
To work with pain, and so may pain defeat.
Pain is my partner. If I dance with pain
Then may this wedlock be not loss but gain.

So beautifully put. Such an elegant wonderful turn of phrase. How well I know the agony of this dance.

Is there any thing too hard for me?

The sign I have put over my desk reads:

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there any thing too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27

Is there any thing too hard for God? I have been thinking about this because we are in the midst of serious financial hardships. Some of it is our own foolishness, and some of it is because some of our contractors (like most general contractors) do not pay on time. If they had paid on time we would be fine, but the underlying situation which makes this extra difficult is that we need to put in better financial controls both personally and professionally. So, in the past several weeks I have been to Starbucks once. That's right, once.

The flavored creamers aren't the same as the foo-foo coffee drinks I so love, but they are cheaper and somewhat satisfy the taste buds. As I have been having a coffee instead of breakfast, I'm not ready to give it up entirely.

I wish I could say that I am able to turn my fears over to the Lord and cast them completely away and live in a state of total trust. I wish. I have an invasive cancer called fear. I have had huge areas of it cut away, and been treated with radical chemotherapy and radiation (previous trials, and scriptural medicine) but now and again, stresses come and we find new pockets of the disease that must be treated radically. Stamping out this disease so that no cells can be left alive. But still, it is not a magic pill. It is a deliberate treatment and sometimes the medication doesn't appear to be working, but with persistent application of the cure, I am confident that this newest outbreak of the cancer of fear will be irradicated. As I am learning, there may be new outbreaks, and you can never be complacent about this.

But the healing is the same. Massive doses of prayer and repentance, asking for God's healing touch, and massive doses of scripture. Or, sometimes a single dose of scripture repeated many times throughout the day. It includes meditation on what God has done in the past for others, and in my own life. It is a determination to trust. Not a feeling of trust...that comes after stepping forward. It is the determination that I will trust. With God's help. Throw myself at his feet and crying for help. It is admitting to others where I am falling down and availing myself of their assurance of God's goodness.

I will bless the Lord at all times. Ah yes, but I will tell him how I feel, and what I think. I will not pretend with the God who knows what I am in the deepest parts of me, better than I know myself.

Will Work for DSL

So....I applied for a seasonal job at Macy's today so I could pay my real estate bills and have DSL at home now that Steve has moved into an office. I think it would be so much fun! I should go to work for Starbucks. I'd be awesome and am a total fan of the products! Most of the people are awfully young though, so I wonder if I'd have a chance of being hired there.

Holy is the Lord

Holy is the Lord and worthy of all praise. Worthy of all honor and glory and praise. Worthy of the song of the stars, the whisper of the wind in the trees, the rustle of grass in the breeze, of birdsong, of the brilliance of the sun, the glisten off streams, worthy of the adoration of choirs of angels. Worthy of the praise of his people.

His Holiness is above all I can think. His worth is above anything I can offer. His glory is beyond my comprehension. His greatness of his gift is unknowable, His thoughts unreachable, His mercy unsurpassable. He is more than I can ever know, or appreciate.

He is THE author of all words, his the Creator who inspires all creativity, He's the conductor, the songwriter, the craftsman creating the vessels to sing his song. He's the painter, his the palette. All creation owes the intricacy of it's design to Him

Oh God. You are worthy. You alone. You alone are worthy of worship. You alone the source of glory. You are the source, the inspiration, the ultimate act of love. Your gift is unapproachable, immeasurable, overwhelming.

I thank you with everything I am able, and offer you all the love I am capable of. Let my life give you glory. Let the weakness in me reveal your strength and be glorifying to you.

Dark Corners

When we are depressed, everyone immediately seems to tell you to reach for a bottle of medication. I don't have an objection to the medication, but sometimes we are depressed because there is something in our life we haven't dealt with and we need to ferrit out the buried problems and make what changes we can or learn to accept the unchangeable, rather than let it be a constant source of frustration. There have been some struggles that I have really needed to take a look at, but some things needed to come to light before I could know whether what was niggling at me was an awareness of a bigger problem or whether it was an over-reaction or unfounded fear. Some things have resolved themselves for better or worse, and some others are coming to light and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. The depression is that I don't want these things to be true. I don't want to make the decisions that these things require. I've been hoping I was wrong, but alas.

Still, whatever the problem, I guess it's better to have it coming to light rather than in the dark. In the dark you don't know what that noise is. You don't know if the crash you heard in the dark is a rake finally succumbing to gravity or an intruder bent on theft or worse. The eyes peering from a dark corner could be your cat or a rabid raccoon. Anyway, I've gone on too long with my illustration.

It appears that it's not the family cat in the corner, but it's not clear whether the raccoon is tame or rabid.

I'm not prepared to go into all the details, but it's not clear whether the worship team is working out, and the time I've spent waiting for dawn to see what was waiting in the corner has been trying. And now, I am waiting some more to find out whether the raccoon is one I can live with or not.

I'm so sad it wasn't the family cat.