So Great A Cloud of Witnesses

Sitting in the sanctuary, the cellist and violinist played old hymns. As I listened, I heard him singing. I remembered riding in the car while he played gospel quartets and sang along. He had a very nice rich baritone and he didn't hold back when he sang. I couldn't help crying as I remembered. Every song I had heard him sing.

I wonder now as I never have before, if Rob is one of those in the "great cloud" who is watching and cheering me on. I don't really understand it, but Paul wrote about it. I've thought about the great saints of the Bible, but for the first time I think there is someone there with particular affection for me who is cheering me on. It is a strange but comforting thought.

Hearing the music though, that reminds me of the sadness of missing him day by day. I can hardly stand not being able to talk with him.

Unemployment Woes

In the past it was my role to be encouraging to those seeking employment. I attempted to do so with caring and genuine concern for their plight. I didn't have a real understanding of the feeling that comes from day by day by day looking for work and hearing nothing. Or, worse, finding out that many of the jobs you apply for aren't real jobs, but are simply to entice you onto yet another job board, or are "opportunities" for work at home.

I am naturally an optimistic person, but I get a bit down at times. The process is depressing, and if you aren't careful, could really destroy a person.

Some people do not understand. The assumption is that we can live off our savings. What savings? We have been pulling out of the pit left by a failed business. The loss of both our jobs came as we were getting ready to try to build up our savings again, well...the timing isn't ideal.

While I don't think it is a time for rash decisions, it is a good time to be thinking through goals and direction for the future. Is is enough to simply take a menial job that does not have anything to do with what I want to be doing in my life? How do these decisions get made? What is valued in life? What does God want for me to do?

When tempted to be afraid, that must be set aside, or overcome for fear does not lead to wise and sober decisions, nor is it good for the body or the mind.

Ah, some days I ramble. What did Moses do? He followed the direction of God each day. It doesn't appear to me that he knew other than great generalities what God was doing. He had great promises, but did he understand how each day added up to the fulfillment of those promises? He had been used mightily by God but it seems to me he would not have understood the daily direction. He would have been discouraged many times as they wandered. He had 2 million people whining, complaining, and wanting what they used to have. Forgetting the worst of it, they only remembered the good things. (For them the good things were leeks and onions. To each his own.)

I need to learn the lesson here. Do not hunger and thirst for the things that are past. The longing for them only hides the reality of what was. The memories are selective, it seems. I need to appreciate the gifts of today, the manna as it were. God goes before me, even though I don't have a visible representation of that. He provides for me, though in a different way than in the past.

Oh, I'm no Moses, but I certainly wish I were more like him. I would like to be the kind of person that stands for God and his truth even when all around fall away. I would love to be the kind of person who spends time in such complete devotion. Moses spent 40 days without food or drink, fasting, praying and spending time with God. Would that I were as devoted and as close. I fall so short.

Witch Doctor, Fount of All Wisdom, Uncle, Friend

For 30-plus years I have been friends with a remarkable, enjoyable, lovable curmudgeon. As a child he was the one who told us about all manner of mischief we longed to be part of (and I bet my brothers secretly were) like potato cannons and other somewhat dangerous fun. He told wild stories, all the while laughing like he could scarcely catch his breath. Initially friends with my parents, he was truly friends with us kids. He remembers episodes of my childhood that I can only recall in bits and pieces, explaning behaviors and memories I could not make heads or tails of.

I think he knew all our family secrets.

There wasn't much he didn't know. He had knowledge of aerospace, aeronautics, electrical engineering, rocket science, biology, chemistry, construction, medicine, etc., etc. We couldn't find anything he didn't know about. That is, until personal computers. Personal computers were a puzzle to him.

He was really into health and all the wacky stuff that goes along with it. Colloidal silver (sp?), some weird kind of foot bath that was supposed to remove toxins, this vitamin, that supplement, this juice drink, that special vitamin concoction special ordered, wheat grass, laetril, etc., etc. I took to ignoring the latest recommendation for healing every medical issue I had.

He spent so much time with us when I was growing up that the only way I could explain how close we were is to call him Uncle. How else to explain the guy who was at our family holiday meals, at church, went camping with us, and was so very special to us? It was an honorary title, but one he was willing to own. I know one time he had a surgical procedure at the VA hospital and brought me along as his "niece" so that they would let me visit him and make decisions for him if anything went wrong.

We were great friends, and I loved him.

The call came in this morning that Rob died. I had been planning to visit him this afternoon. I knew he was dying, but I am still devastated by the loss. How could I be prepared to lose such a wonderful friend?

Rob Harris, died January 18, 2009. Missed by many, many close friends and family. And me.

Working on a week-long headache.

So for 6, 7 or 8 days now (I've lost count.) I've had a very bad headache. I have had 3 chiropractic treatments, 2 migraine sprays (or is it 3?), many ibuprofen and excedrin, used ice packs, slept with a roll carefully placed under my neck, done neck excersizes, done relaxation...but the headache seems to only receed for brief periods only to return for no apparent reason.

So today, I am still sitting in my pajamas at 2:05 pm [In my shame I took a moment to go get dressed.] I am wallowing in movies. Thanks to my son, I have found HULU. I have not figured out all the things on this site, but I have watched a few movies (with brief commercial interruptions)and sat here, hoping to rid myself of this headache through rest and relaxation.

I need to go see a friend who I have put off this week, and go visit uncle Rob in hospice. I was so hoping to have my headache gone. Yikes!

Two Hopes

Last week I visited a friend and found him in a state. He has been fighting cancer for quite some time. He looked at me and said, "I've given up hope." I put my arms around him and said, "No, my friend, there are two hopes. You've given up hope of healing in this world. You still have the best hope which is that you will be face to face with Jesus." I believe that, though I don't know quite where the words came from.

I am grateful that there is hope beyond this life. In this world which is so damaged from the ravages and consequences of sin entering into it, there are often things which cause moments of depression and despair. When I hear that a lady from church has gone home to die, having refused any further cancer treatments, and will leave her grief-stricken husband and daughters, I am broken. When another friend is having an impossibly difficult pregnancy, when a friend's daughter has an inoperable brain tumor at the age of 16, when my father moans from the dreadful pain of stenosis, when I stop to think about the 17+ years of pain I have had, I grow weary and despondent. I refuse to wallow there, but I get there for certain.

Today has been a hard day, sitting in hospice with a friend. He is longing for a swift and speedy end. He asked me to pray for a coma. Some of the health care workers seem to think he has more painful lingering to do. Oh, how I long for him to see his hope fulfilled. I long to know that he is seeing Jesus face to face. And yet, if it were my will, I would long to have him with us for years to come.

I have not seen my hopes for him in this world fulfilled. I am certain that his hopes for the next will be.

Apologies, dear readers...

I have been reading my recent posts, and frankly some of them are awful, whinning drivel. Oh why won't people come to my party? Perhaps becasue I ask so hesitantly. And yet, this last time I had a house full. They weren't all the people I thought would come, but so what? It was a wonderful blend of people all of whom were great fun and very special.

Plus, we've started a regular game night. It's mid-week due to a friend's work schedule, so that is self-limiting. It limits how late we play and how many people we are likely to invite because of work the next day.

We have been invited to Thanksgiving and New Year's with friends two years running, and spent new years morning with another group of friends who have a regular breakfast followed by broom ball on a frozen lake nearby.

I sat and watched, because I didn't want to mess up a test I am doing to see how wheat/gluten affect me, but I wish I had played. It looked like so much fun and I want to PARTICIPATE, not sit on the sidelines.

So...I'm thinking, maybe we should invite a bunch of people over for some kind of weird outdoor game. Maybe badmitton or crouquet.

New Year, New Start?

In our household, there are divergent views on the celebration of the new year. For my husband New Year's is "just another day." In some ways I would agree with him, but I lean toward the view that celebrations of many kinds are good for us humans struggling through the vagaries of life on this earth. A person who cannot make an excuse to celebrate goes through life with a dismal view of things. Gray days meld into gray weeks, months and years. I believe that celebrations make all of our sorrows and troubles easier. It reminds us to treasure those we love, to make note of special times, creates good memories and reminds us that bad times don't last forever. Perhaps we should celebrate each Tuesday, merely because it is Tuesday, meaning that we have made it through another Monday!

Plus I love new beginnings. What optimism there is in turning a new page, starting a new book, putting up a new calendar with all the possibilities the blank pages have for you. Celebrating New Year's is an optimistic way to say that we may have lost everything last year, but this new year holds endless possibilities.

For me, the new year is exactly that. New everything. New job, hopefully. It provides the hopeful expectancy of finishing one or more of my books. It provides the expectancy of opportunities for service.

Plus, I celebrate that Dad has made it through another year. That wasn't expected. However, I am changing my expectations in that regard. Although I remain realistic about the possibility of a heart attack, barring that, I think he's got a lot of time left. What is sad is that he lives such a purposeless existence which is really difficult for him.

When I come to this blog at the end of 2009 I plan to rejoice that I have finished at least 2 of my books, and am in the middle of more.

Also, I am hopeful that 2009 will see the release of the final book in the Song of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin. Some complain about his timetable, but I enjoy the anticipation as much as I enjoy the fulfillment of it. Plus, how can he possibly top this series? Will anything he writes be as satisfying as this?

Also, I am hopeful that there will be something new from Cornelia Funke, Margaret Ball, and so many others.

I am hopeful that the new year may provide answers for the pain that has plagued me for the last 17 1/2 years. Otherwise, I wonder whether I will wind up on disability. I have fought that for so long and tried so hard to hide my physical difficulties. I would so hate to give in to it or to have this defeat me now.

On another up note: I ran into my friend John Malloy a few days ago. It was so wonderful to see this dear brother. I introduced him to my friend Evelyn and to my husband and had a brief chance to talk to him and to tell them what he meant to me during a sometimes very difficult period in my life. Let me close with a quotation from him, but first let me tell you the story. John is a Fedex delivery guy and we had grown friendly over time as he delivered packages to me. Upon first seeing my collection of rotation verses and hearing what music I might be playing, he realized that we were of the same religious persuasion and we would talk now and again as he ran in and out. Sometimes I would give him a verse that was really speaking to me, sometimes he would do the same. I would occasionally run into him outside the office and I shared with him the struggle I was having over leaving my church and needing to go elsewhere. Anyway at some point during this time, John walked in with his package and without any 'hello' or other pleasantry simply said:

I've been thinking. We are warriors and this is a battlefield. We are not meant for rest and comfort at this time

Then he left.

John, I've thought of that so often ever since. There are times that I am ready to give up because I think I need rest or comfort, but I've decided that you are right.

We are warriors and this is a battlefield. We are not meant for rest and comfort at this time