Today I am thinking about the gift of music. I am just revelling in the music from worship yesterday and what a joy that was for me. I had scripture running through my head throughout the morning and was enjoying such a sweet time of loving communion and praise to God. I was unable to stand for the service elements, and could barely even sit on the stool, I was so terribly uncomfortable physically, but the sweetness of the praise, the wonder of being able to call out "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Lord God Almighty and to the Lamb, just as the seraphim do... I have a hard time describing it.
Tonight I went to see one of the young men from church in his school's presentation of "Beauty and the Beast". It was such a pleasure to see, and the music, though flawed, was wonderful and the acting was quite good. It reminds me of how great our maker is. He invented music, he invented dance and movement. He created us for such sweet moments with himself and with others. We are to glorify him, and he seems to delight in providing sweetness for us.
Thank you, Father for such sweetness. And thank you for allowing me to sit next to the precious baby and watch his delight and wonder, when I am so very far away from my grandbaby. It brough me such pleasure to watch him and to think about how much fun Timmy would have had tonight.
Goodnight children, goodnight friends. You are in my thoughts tonight.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Grabbing the Rudder
This blog has been an aimless pursuit for far too long, but I intend to change that. The only thing of any eternal value in this life is the pursuit of God and the changes that result from a life wholly devoted to finding out who he is, finding out what he wants and doing it. Really, what else matters?
I will soon turn 45, and I have noticed the years are likely fewer from here on out, unless I live an unusually long time. There are things I have done well in my life and things I have done poorly. I have striven to do what God wants for most of my life, without a clear understanding of what that looked like, and though I don't mean to hurt those in my past, but I wasn't taught well how to live out the Bible in my daily life.
Of all the things I have done, my greatest regret is that I didn't do a better job teaching my children, not just about God, but how to know him and how to follow him. It is my fervent prayer that through these writings I can share my heart with my children and anyone else who would care to follow along my journey. I kept my thoughts deep inside of me and rarely shared anything of depth with anyone in my family. I had a difficult childhood (sorry Mom and Dad, but it's true), and one of the things I gained is a fear of telling anyone my thoughts for fear of criticism and shame. I would talk about actions, but not discuss the real motivations of my heart, nor discuss what I was learning from God, never mention my fears, my failures, my hopes, etc.
I am so sorry, Kristen, Craig and Alex. I never felt that anyone would want to hear my heart, and once I gained friends with whom I could share that part of me I simply didn't know how to talk that way with you. I guess I still don't, which is why I'm writing to you this way.
I have spent so much of my life afraid of falling short of the mark, and knowing I would fall short and waiting for the retribution of a God who could not possibly have truly forgiven me. I how I want you to know the forgiveness that God has provided. The Bible says many times and in many ways that God is gracious and merciful and has carried our sins away, or covered them or washed them. It is poetic language to describe something we have difficulty understanding. One of the reasons to read the Old Testament is to understand that God always provided a way for man to have a relationship with himself despite our sin. He covered sins, he carried them away, like the scape goat which carried away the sins of the people. He covered them in the blood of sacrifices, all pointing to the time when he would remove our sins as far as the East is from the West. He would hurl our sins into the sea, it says in Micah 7.
Oh if only I really understood this truth more fully. He didn't just use a ledger book to account our sins to the account of Jesus, He didn't just mark the bill "Paid in Full", he, the righteous and holy God, the one whose perfection is so far above our understanding we will never truly know it, whose purity we cannot comprehend, took all our sins and impurity, all our guilt and stain, all the stink of our sins, of our pride, our lies, our greed, our gossip, our sexual sins, our covetousness, all of it--he took all of our filth on himself. "He who knew no sin became sin for us."
His purity, his sacrifice, his blood was the necessary remedy for sin. He was the cure that eradicates the sin of his people. Oh I wish I had begun to understand this sooner. I would have been a different mom. I would have been more merciful and forgiving, I would have been kinder, and I would have allowed you to know me.
Oh, you may never really like me. I still have a lot of messed up history to be redeemed and from which I need healing, so I will be dreadfully imperfect, but I intend to have the courage to speak to you and to be myself with you, to no longer hide the depths of my heart from you. You are my precious children and I love you with a love I cannot describe.
I intend to make the rest of my life count for God. Period. He has redeemed me and removed my sins, remembering them no more and even the stink of them he has removed from me. Past, present or future, I am forgiven. Totally. Completely.
Read it for yourselves. I have 2000 or so books on my shelves, but none has had the impact on me that the Bible has. God will show you in his word such truth, such depth and such healing that you can even get over being raised by me!
So...I intend to continue this blog with thoughts from my heart, be they meditation, prayers, mentions of God's goodness, scriptures that are terribly meaningful, examples I want to share. If you would know the heart of your mother, read along. When I get to the end of my life I intend to be able to say to you, "I've shown you how a Christ-follower lives, now let me show you how one dies." I intend to finish the course well and never, ever, ever lose my faith or fall away. The one who paid such a high price for me deserves my trust in the midst of the darkest times.
Even though there may be dark times when I don't feel like it, with my heart, with my mind and with all my strength I will say with Job, "Thou he slay me, even then I will trust him." I may have my fist shaking in defiance of the fear that would steal my heart away and the evil one who would seek to shake me, but I truly have nowhere else to go. If God is not who he says he is, then I am utterly miserable and lost. Has he not shown us his goodness in the earth? His grandeur in the stars? Has he not watered the earth from his storehouse of snow? Has he not shown his power in the thunder and in the raging storm?
I long for you to know him more than anything. I could die happy tomorrow if I knew that you were all following after Jesus with your whole hearts. It is the only thing of any value I have to give you.
I will soon turn 45, and I have noticed the years are likely fewer from here on out, unless I live an unusually long time. There are things I have done well in my life and things I have done poorly. I have striven to do what God wants for most of my life, without a clear understanding of what that looked like, and though I don't mean to hurt those in my past, but I wasn't taught well how to live out the Bible in my daily life.
Of all the things I have done, my greatest regret is that I didn't do a better job teaching my children, not just about God, but how to know him and how to follow him. It is my fervent prayer that through these writings I can share my heart with my children and anyone else who would care to follow along my journey. I kept my thoughts deep inside of me and rarely shared anything of depth with anyone in my family. I had a difficult childhood (sorry Mom and Dad, but it's true), and one of the things I gained is a fear of telling anyone my thoughts for fear of criticism and shame. I would talk about actions, but not discuss the real motivations of my heart, nor discuss what I was learning from God, never mention my fears, my failures, my hopes, etc.
I am so sorry, Kristen, Craig and Alex. I never felt that anyone would want to hear my heart, and once I gained friends with whom I could share that part of me I simply didn't know how to talk that way with you. I guess I still don't, which is why I'm writing to you this way.
I have spent so much of my life afraid of falling short of the mark, and knowing I would fall short and waiting for the retribution of a God who could not possibly have truly forgiven me. I how I want you to know the forgiveness that God has provided. The Bible says many times and in many ways that God is gracious and merciful and has carried our sins away, or covered them or washed them. It is poetic language to describe something we have difficulty understanding. One of the reasons to read the Old Testament is to understand that God always provided a way for man to have a relationship with himself despite our sin. He covered sins, he carried them away, like the scape goat which carried away the sins of the people. He covered them in the blood of sacrifices, all pointing to the time when he would remove our sins as far as the East is from the West. He would hurl our sins into the sea, it says in Micah 7.
Oh if only I really understood this truth more fully. He didn't just use a ledger book to account our sins to the account of Jesus, He didn't just mark the bill "Paid in Full", he, the righteous and holy God, the one whose perfection is so far above our understanding we will never truly know it, whose purity we cannot comprehend, took all our sins and impurity, all our guilt and stain, all the stink of our sins, of our pride, our lies, our greed, our gossip, our sexual sins, our covetousness, all of it--he took all of our filth on himself. "He who knew no sin became sin for us."
His purity, his sacrifice, his blood was the necessary remedy for sin. He was the cure that eradicates the sin of his people. Oh I wish I had begun to understand this sooner. I would have been a different mom. I would have been more merciful and forgiving, I would have been kinder, and I would have allowed you to know me.
Oh, you may never really like me. I still have a lot of messed up history to be redeemed and from which I need healing, so I will be dreadfully imperfect, but I intend to have the courage to speak to you and to be myself with you, to no longer hide the depths of my heart from you. You are my precious children and I love you with a love I cannot describe.
I intend to make the rest of my life count for God. Period. He has redeemed me and removed my sins, remembering them no more and even the stink of them he has removed from me. Past, present or future, I am forgiven. Totally. Completely.
Read it for yourselves. I have 2000 or so books on my shelves, but none has had the impact on me that the Bible has. God will show you in his word such truth, such depth and such healing that you can even get over being raised by me!
So...I intend to continue this blog with thoughts from my heart, be they meditation, prayers, mentions of God's goodness, scriptures that are terribly meaningful, examples I want to share. If you would know the heart of your mother, read along. When I get to the end of my life I intend to be able to say to you, "I've shown you how a Christ-follower lives, now let me show you how one dies." I intend to finish the course well and never, ever, ever lose my faith or fall away. The one who paid such a high price for me deserves my trust in the midst of the darkest times.
Even though there may be dark times when I don't feel like it, with my heart, with my mind and with all my strength I will say with Job, "Thou he slay me, even then I will trust him." I may have my fist shaking in defiance of the fear that would steal my heart away and the evil one who would seek to shake me, but I truly have nowhere else to go. If God is not who he says he is, then I am utterly miserable and lost. Has he not shown us his goodness in the earth? His grandeur in the stars? Has he not watered the earth from his storehouse of snow? Has he not shown his power in the thunder and in the raging storm?
I long for you to know him more than anything. I could die happy tomorrow if I knew that you were all following after Jesus with your whole hearts. It is the only thing of any value I have to give you.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Watch for the upcoming album...
I don't know how many times I have watched the performance of Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent, but if you haven't seen it and are in the least bit tired of life or cynical and depressed, take a few minutes to watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
If you can watch this without a smile on your face and a tear in your eye, check your pulse--you may be dead.
If you can watch this without a smile on your face and a tear in your eye, check your pulse--you may be dead.
Mercy vs. Justice
A situation occurred recently in which I was offended greatly, brazenly and in front of others for whom the actions would certainly offend and in front of whom my response can leave me open to ridicule, condemnation and shame. Actually, some of the people who would likely have been aware of the offensive actions of the other party would likely have made my life miserable no matter how I dealt with the situation.
My instant response (internally) was to take up a flaming sword and pronounce judgement and swift and terrible punishment. I wanted to yell and scream judgement. One of my flaws is that I often don't know what the right thing to do is in that moment. I often have to really step back and think things through to decide how to respond. Sometimes this makes me look weak in the eyes of others, and sometimes a situation is made worse because a simple thing could be taken care of right away with minimal embarrassment to either party, where the delay in responding adds a level of embarrassment to the other person that is needless.
This is not one of those times. This offense, the great and terrible offense, needed consideration and several hours of struggle and thought as to how to respond. At the ripe old age of 44, I really want to begin acting not from pure passion, but from wisdom fueled by passion. Even though my initial response would have been totally justified, some reflection and tears and prayer allowed for a solution that offered mercy.
In the spiritual gifts testing, mercy is not a real big one. I am learning however to show to others the mercy that God has shown to me. He has not dealt with me according to my iniquities, nor has he dealt out punishment sufficient to my crime. Actually, he did mete out punishment sufficient to my crime, but then he also took that punishment in the person of Jesus the Messiah. That punishment, deserved by me, he bore in his own body on the tree. So when I look at the person who has so offended me I have to consider two things, how I can show mercy and yet not damage the person if consequences should be given for their own betterment.
The difference here is that I have no right or authority to mete out eternal punishment, and even though he paid my eternal pardon, I often have earthly consequences for my sins. Even those, however, he often does not make me suffer in the full weight that I deserve. Have you ever noticed earthly grace that reminds you of the grace of God?
So this was my dilemma: to mete out earthly consequences that the offender richly deserved, and preserve my standing in front of others, or to show mercy and allow myself to be looked down upon by others and perhaps not provide the earthly consequences that the offender needs to end their destructive behavior. I erred on the side of mercy, but needed to know that the other party understood their offense and promised never to repeat it. For should the other party repeat it, they will suffer very clear consequences which will happen immediately.
What I am wondering now is if I should insist that the person apologize for their actions to the other people who witnessed and would be offended by the event? Would I be doing that simply to preserve my own reputation in their eyes? I don't know, but I think I will talk to the offending party to let them know that I believe they should apologize, but I will leave it to them to follow through. After all, the offended party is supposed to go to the offender, right? So if the other person takes offense but does nothing, isn't that a problem between the two of them?
Come on, Bible scholars... Let me know what you think.
My instant response (internally) was to take up a flaming sword and pronounce judgement and swift and terrible punishment. I wanted to yell and scream judgement. One of my flaws is that I often don't know what the right thing to do is in that moment. I often have to really step back and think things through to decide how to respond. Sometimes this makes me look weak in the eyes of others, and sometimes a situation is made worse because a simple thing could be taken care of right away with minimal embarrassment to either party, where the delay in responding adds a level of embarrassment to the other person that is needless.
This is not one of those times. This offense, the great and terrible offense, needed consideration and several hours of struggle and thought as to how to respond. At the ripe old age of 44, I really want to begin acting not from pure passion, but from wisdom fueled by passion. Even though my initial response would have been totally justified, some reflection and tears and prayer allowed for a solution that offered mercy.
In the spiritual gifts testing, mercy is not a real big one. I am learning however to show to others the mercy that God has shown to me. He has not dealt with me according to my iniquities, nor has he dealt out punishment sufficient to my crime. Actually, he did mete out punishment sufficient to my crime, but then he also took that punishment in the person of Jesus the Messiah. That punishment, deserved by me, he bore in his own body on the tree. So when I look at the person who has so offended me I have to consider two things, how I can show mercy and yet not damage the person if consequences should be given for their own betterment.
The difference here is that I have no right or authority to mete out eternal punishment, and even though he paid my eternal pardon, I often have earthly consequences for my sins. Even those, however, he often does not make me suffer in the full weight that I deserve. Have you ever noticed earthly grace that reminds you of the grace of God?
So this was my dilemma: to mete out earthly consequences that the offender richly deserved, and preserve my standing in front of others, or to show mercy and allow myself to be looked down upon by others and perhaps not provide the earthly consequences that the offender needs to end their destructive behavior. I erred on the side of mercy, but needed to know that the other party understood their offense and promised never to repeat it. For should the other party repeat it, they will suffer very clear consequences which will happen immediately.
What I am wondering now is if I should insist that the person apologize for their actions to the other people who witnessed and would be offended by the event? Would I be doing that simply to preserve my own reputation in their eyes? I don't know, but I think I will talk to the offending party to let them know that I believe they should apologize, but I will leave it to them to follow through. After all, the offended party is supposed to go to the offender, right? So if the other person takes offense but does nothing, isn't that a problem between the two of them?
Come on, Bible scholars... Let me know what you think.
Snowy afternoon.
When I started to write I noted the time and realized that it was way too late for me to be sitting around in my pajamas, snow day or not, so I quickly dressed and combed my hair. It's amazing how lazy the constant falling snow makes you feel. Perhaps it is a natural type of mini-hybernation that goes on. Coffee. Check. Snow report. Check. It's a fine day to put a pot of chili in the slow cooker and let it simmer away as you veg.
The internet and the many wonderful applications allow me to continue job searching even while sitting at home in my bathrobe. I do minimal pounding of the pavement these days, because it is so unfruitful. Plus, at a certain point in your career ladder, it isn't helpful any more, you know? People don't like having their day interrupted by you showing up unannounced and uninvited.
Well...I've taken a break to put chili in the crockpot, heat up some coffee and think about some things and have lost my train of thought here. I have so many things on my mind that I think it deserves a new post.
The internet and the many wonderful applications allow me to continue job searching even while sitting at home in my bathrobe. I do minimal pounding of the pavement these days, because it is so unfruitful. Plus, at a certain point in your career ladder, it isn't helpful any more, you know? People don't like having their day interrupted by you showing up unannounced and uninvited.
Well...I've taken a break to put chili in the crockpot, heat up some coffee and think about some things and have lost my train of thought here. I have so many things on my mind that I think it deserves a new post.
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