Haven't posted much lately. My fault, she says, stating the obvious. I am in a funk. In limbo. I have no right to be there. God is on the throne, I am warm and filled, had one of the best Thanksgivings I can remember. At least on par with Thanksgivings with the Mattice's and our friends from CCR. Have been helping at church, and am heading out to work some more in a couple of minutes, but the truth is--really, and just between you and me, that though I have more time on my hands now than I have had in a while I do not spend enough time in the word. I have a feeling that this is what is behind my general malaise and dissatisfaction. I am not feasting on God.

Granted, I have not filled my new eyeglass prescription and that makes reading smaller print difficult, so I haven't been reading a lot of anything recently which is totally unlike me, but still...

Lone Surfer

I have a friend who is back in school and it is safe to say that she is in her late 40's. This is not the common thing amongst the people she knows. Neither her church nor her family, I would expect, provides a lot of support. As I was looking through my photos today this one struck me. A lot of times when I watch surfers it is a group of them, egging each other on to do better and laughing when one biffs it. This guy is out in less than ideal surf weather. It was a stormy day. It didn't rain where we were, but it was cool and blowing. Most people stayed away. But this guy, and a few brave or crazy others, went out in the colder temps and caught some more spectacular waves.

As I looked at this photo, I wanted to tell my friend, "See? This is what you are doing! You are out surfing alone catching the big wave. Is it risky? Is it lonely? You bet. But look at you go!"

I want to be that brave surfer, the one who goes where safety is not guaranteed, who faces the wind and cold and seeks after the God who has revealed himself in the narrow paths, in the dark valleys, in the choppy seas. Does he reveal himself in the huge stadiums with the pretty preacher with his big grin and self-help doctrine? Does he reveal himself in safety? Or does he show himself when we are tested and challenged, when struggle and trials of all descriptions come?

Sometimes that means we have to leave even the safety of our friends, to seek deeper, to find more, to delve into scripture in ways that few dare to go. Does this make us freaks? Likely. How about radical obedience? How about radical understanding of grace which allows for things like the loss of home, loss of friends, loss of life. How about walking the path He sets which seems to be so foreign to our understanding. How often when he tells me to do something do I ask, really? Puzzling. I cannot see the way through. But I want that radical faith.

I just wish that sometimes it were safer, warmer, more gentle and more socially acceptable.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Got a call about a job today. NOT! I had a feeling when the guy started talking a mile a minute he was talking about an outside sales position and when I asked him a question to ascertain what the position was he hung up on me. So...AFLAC is not going to be my new employer. Several of them have called or emailed me since I put my updated resume on one of the national job boards. They are "so excited" about my qualifications and experience. I think they are excited that I can fog a mirror and can apparently write a coherent sentence.

Is this it? Are these the available jobs now? Outside sales positions? I called the census bureau about their upcoming jobs and they are supposed to contact me about upcoming testing for census takers. I was trying for administrative jobs and am still hopeful. Ah well.

Hooray. I did not spend any money today. Oh wait, I bought Steve his lunch stuff at the grocery store. Forgot my foo-foo coffee creamer though. Bummer! I avoided the 1)mall, 2)thrift stores, 3)second-hand furniture stores, 4)Starbucks(!) and 5)book stores. All in all an amazing day when you look at it that way.

Also I colored my hair last night with one of those two part kind where you do an all-over color first and then add the highlights. I'm allergic to the first part so I did my usual--two Claritin and two Benadryl. I was so sleepy after the Benadryl hit that I didn't do the highlight part. At the moment my hair looks similar to my natural shade. I think. It was supposed to be a medium blond. I think I'm gonna have to go ahead and do the highlights because after I wash it a few times it will lighten up considerably. At least this time it isn't orange-y.

Ah more rambling. Well, tomorrow is another day. I wonder what I shall do with it.

It's a Good (will) Thing

Finally feeling a bit better and a bit stir crazy, so I took a drive to Bel Air, some 16 miles northeast of here. I was on a brief road trip recently when I decided to stop in at the roadside Goodwill Superstore. Now, I take exception to the term "superstore" in relation to the local Goodwill store. It is most definitely not "super". It's small, has crappy selection, is over-priced (like most everything else here in Maryland) and smells funny.

The Goodwill in Bel Air is bigger, has a lot more furniture (and since we got rid of most of ours before moving, I am definitely on the lookout), more decent clothing, a better selection of linens and shoes. Now if you know me and my aversion to used shoes, you will know that this is a growth area for me.

Today I found a pair of barely worn Clarks for $8. And they're green!

Also, the beautiful lined trenchcoat I saw last time was still there. $20 for a really expensive trenchcoat! And since it rains so much here that seems like a very useful item to have.

The best item of today's visit is a set of KitchenAid pots and pans (red!) for $28. These are the very one's I have looked at for ages in the department store but could not bring myself to shell out the cash.

There were some other awesome buys, but I let them pass. A pair of beautiful blackout lined coppery brown curtains with a beautifully stitched diamond pattern for $25. With each panel costing about $80-120 retail, this is a STEAL. But I'll have to let someone else steal it :(

I'm considering purchasing, and revitalizing furnishings for resale on Craigslist. I think I could do it as long as I'm careful to select items that don't require heavy-duty refinishing and as long as the place we move to has easy access.

Living on the third floor (no elevator) makes this impractical right now.

I am looking forward to moving soon. We haven't figured out where just yet, but are still hoping to get into Virginia. Steve found a reasonable rental price then asked me if 450 square feet was enough room. Ummmm. No. I think not. Of course once I am locked up in the local psych ward for treatment of my severe claustrophobia, I'm sure Steve would be quite comfortable.

Some interesting news today...Steve may be under consideration for long-term work overseas! Possibly in Germany. He asked me what I thought and I said, when do we leave? Are you kidding me? How incredibly awesome is that?

I wonder if I can do online school from out of the country? I'm sure I can, don't the military guys do that when they are posted out of the country?

Polish Pottery & Polish Pottery Stoneware - Handcrafted Dinnerware from Boleslawiec, Poland.

Polish Pottery & Polish Pottery Stoneware - Handcrafted Dinnerware from Boleslawiec, Poland.

Love it. Love it. Love it. Super expensive, but Artisan Imports often has great sales. Do a google search for polish pottery sale.

On Bankruptcy

I have been hesitant to write on this subject, because to do so opens me up to criticism and because it is a personal decision that people seem to feel the right to require your justification. Also it was so incredibly painful that I really didn't want my open wounds to show. But probably the biggest reason is that in my family no one talked about money. Money was even more private than sex. We were warned that you didn't talk about it, you didn't ask questions, that the entire subject was off-limits. It was considered rude. As a result I was so spectacularly uneducated about money (terribly frugal, but uneducated) that when my husband was making $24,000/year with two little kids and me as a stay-at-home mom, I couldn't understand why we were struggling financially. After all, $24,000 is a lot of money, right?

I was reading a financial blog that I subscribe to and the author made a comment about bankruptcy and the people who file it. He commented that he thought it should be both harder to file and have harsher consequences. As someone who used to feel this way myself, I felt I must respond, which I did in a private email to the author.

Harsher penalties for bankruptcy? So spectacular business failure, enormous shame, losing one's home and often one's health, etc. isn't enough?

There comes a point at which bankruptcy is the only thing that keeps a person from driving off of a bridge.

Predatory and harassing collection practices that have some creditors call up to 50 times a day can increase the stress level of the one in debt to the breaking point.

If you think bankruptcy is a free pass, think again. One of the reasons people get into debt and cannot get out is that the inability to pay a series of bills, say medical bills, reduces your credit score. Everything you do costs more after that. Insurance costs more, the used car you buy to get to work costs more, and if you tap into the equity you've built up in your home for years to pay off these mounting bills, now your house costs more.

If you think bankruptcy is a free pass, think of the financial pain that still continues. And yes, there are some people who seem to have figured out how to play the system, but for most it is an option only slightly favorable to death.

I talked to a bankruptcy attorney that I know about this very thing. This is one of those attorneys that is such a decent upstanding guy that I couldn't figure out why he had specialized in bankruptcy. He told me that most people who come to him waited far too long, trying to work things out on their own. Often by the time they come to him their health has suffered dramatically and they have endured absolute hell trying to make things right. For some, bankruptcy's primary function isn't debt relief, it is to stop the calls and to alleviate some of the stress that is so destructive.

I know a guy working three jobs. His wife, though suffering from debilitating health problems, nonetheless works full-time. They cannot make ends meet. It isn't that they've been foolish, it's that what was a profitable industry has turned on him, and the jobs he has been able to find in no way replace the income he was once able to count on.

After years of this, they are drowning, yet still he works three jobs, keeps looking for better and works harder than most anyone I know, but it is to no avail. Walking into their home is a sad thing now. They have sold off nearly everything they own to keep the lights on and food on the table (which, so far, they have been able to keep), but they cannot keep the wolves at bay. They have had their house on the market for a long time, given up their cars and now drive the beat-up cars that friends have given to them, trying to keep them running to get back and forth to work. Bankruptcy isn't an easy answer for these people, but it may be the only thing that keeps them out of the Red Cross Shelter.

There are many who seem to be unaffected by the difficulties of these times. I'm happy for them, but our compassion for those that are pushing a huge boulder up a hill only to have it roll back on top of them over and over again can be lacking.

Between the two of us, over the last 2 years my husband and I have both been unemployed, me for 11 months now, and my husband was unemployed for 8 months. He earns twice what I earned, so his was by far the most devastating, but we had no contingency for this moment. All our emergency savings are gone. Even when my husband found work it was out of state and so we were trying to support two households. Think its easy to sell in this market? How about when you are caring for elderly parents in your home?

We are not alone in this situation. And we weren't out buying toys and gadgets, nor were we spending frivolously, unless you consider food and utilities frivolous and unnecessary.

Unfortunately, bankruptcy is seen this way by most people. It is seen as benefiting the undisciplined masses who don't work hard, buy too many toys and are just trying to take advantage of the situation.

Perhaps some would like to bring back slavery as an option or perhaps would like to see the poor farms reopened. One of the horrors of my childhood was driving past the "poor farm" where indebted people and their families were forced to farm huge plots of land and live in this dark, dingy depressing hulk of a building as they atoned for the crime of being poor. Even years after it closed it still maintained its air of abject misery.

Predatory lending practices abound, and it is perfectly legal to take advantage of the poor. Payday loan places are an example of this. The poor do not have access to a friendly banker who will assist them with a short-term loan to fix that transmission, nor do they have access to a vast emergency fund to cover the expenses of unexpected illness, broken down vehicle, etc. When they turn to the payday loan places (because they must have the medication, they must fix their car to get to work, or the have run out of groceries) they are charged 600% interest or more. Of course I add into this figure the so-called fees, which are charged every two weeks.

So a person taking out a loan for two weeks (the maximum time allotted) will pay $60 for a $300 loan. On his/her next payday, it is unlikely that they can spare the $360 to pay off the debt in it's entirety, so they will continue the loan by paying the $60. Another $60 will come due in 2 weeks, and so on and so on. What was a one-time emergency has now become a $120/month drain on income. Add to this the premium this person is paying for deposits on everything, this person is trying to run uphill in the mud.

Try complaining to your congressman about this predatory lending practice. Or your senator. Write to those on the banking committee. You will receive a polite response that these businesses provide a valuable service to the poor.

No. Just like everyone else, these businesses prey on the poor, taking advantage of their poverty and adverse circumstances to make a buck.

And yes, the middle class also has their share of financial woes which lead to bankruptcies. For all your great planning, no one can be fully prepared for every emergency and catastrophe. Illness, a wayward child, natural disasters, unemployment...these things can cripple you and hit you over and over, or coming all at once are a tidal wave that sweeps you under, despite all your planning and saving.

It isn't an easy way out. It isn't a character defect. In fact as a fellow person of faith, I challenge you to read the portions of Deuteronomy that talk about the year of release (KJV). This is what changed my mind about the stigma of bankruptcy. God never intended for a person to be in perpetual debt, in perpetual poverty. Every seven years all debt was to be wiped away. And God never intended for people to lose their homes. He granted lands to his people. It wasn't owned by another or taxed by government (and thus only yours if you can pay the taxes). It belonged to you and to your family forever.

Reading on, puzzling over and meditating on these things has changed my perspective on God's view of debt, poverty, foreclosures, and bankruptcies.

When our business failed, we were in it so deep with receivables that we could not collect, from deep-pocketed contractors whose job in life seemed to be to avoid paying their legitimate debts, deep into it with a contractor who stopped payment after accepting our bid and signing a contract simply because they found someone else who would do the work more cheaply...We had suppliers who over-billed, double-billed and then went around us so that our contractors paid their inflated bills before paying us. We were too small to fight them all. The legal bills would have bankrupted us as quickly as what they did to us.

Did we make mistakes? Certainly. The biggest was in thinking that doing our job, doing it well, professionally and with excellence was enough. It was not. We were also supposed to be legal experts, contract enforcement experts, and have voluminous resources at our disposal to pay for their projects then fight it out in court.

When it got so bad that I couldn't eat, hadn't eaten in over 30 days without throwing up, had lost over 20 pounds in less than a month, when I could not even answer the phone any more...we started to face the music. This was not a win-able war we were fighting. Our accountant had been telling us that we needed to file for bankruptcy for a while, but we kept fighting on, trying to pay down our debts and beat this through sheer determination and hard work.

We hadn't been paid in two years. The end was in sight, the corner being turned when at the worst possible moment, a contract was pulled after having been signed and paid for, the check canceled just moments after being deposited, and our supplier began double-charging us, not crediting us the refunds we were due, and generally making our lives hell.

Was bankruptcy an easy choice? No. It was horrible. It is humiliating, shameful, and rocked me to the core of my being. I have never felt like a worse person. Suicide is not an option for me. I don't believe in it, and I would not want my kids to have to clean up our financial mess, but what it came down to is this--with my income (I quit the business and found a decent job) I could not pay down off our debts and survive (!) in less than 20 years. As it turns out, I only had that job for one year (long enough for the bankruptcy to go through) before our entire branch closed.

I'm not whining. Just explaining that I don't know how I would have survived it except for the surprising comfort I found in Deuteronomy. Reading that it was not God's intention that his people be in perpetual debt but that he created a safety valve--a release from debt--made me able to once again lift my head.

We aren't on easy street. In spite of the bankruptcy, we are losing our house. Our finances were predicated on being able to keep our jobs at least long enough to fully replenish our emergency funds. Both our industries are in the dumpster right now. We have sold off most of our belongings and I am currently sitting in an apartment far from home, with someone's cast off couch, a cardboard box as an end table, a single lamp I was able to cart across country. We have no credit card debt, and are keeping up with the medical bills--barely.

I'm not complaining. Really. I just think that perhaps you don't know the toll a bankruptcy has on you. It's horrific.

Pop Quiz

Tonight I remedied one of the deficits of this apartment. Nothing but cardboard boxes and an upturned 5 gallon bucket for end tables. This great buy found on Craigslist turned into a pop quiz on contentment as my eyes were enticed by the beautiful upscale condominium and extraordinary furnishings.

The woman was very nice and had the kind of self-confidence that comes from being thin, beautiful, successful and well-off. I felt incredibly frumpy, poor and unattractive next to her. All of my flaws were on display, not just to her, but even more to me. I left there ashamed of my hair, my clothes, my vehicle, my home, and my life. I fought with myself half the way home, knowing that my dissatisfaction is nothing other than sin and a lack of gratitude for what God has provided and resentment that he doesn't provide for me as he has this woman.

I had to repent. Oh how wicked and tricky my heart is. Just when I think I'm fine, when I have been reminded of the important things in life, like the life and health of my children, my great friends, my salvation, my Lord, I am blindsided with a test that nearly fells me. Just when I think my eyes are on Christ, I look down at the waves, at my leaky boat, and I so quickly fall.

SeanSean plotted a course for me there that took me through town rather than on the Interstate as I would have preferred. Not knowing how to get around downtown, I sighed and followed his lead through some rather dicey areas, run down, beat up, boarded up, depressed areas that were, if not scary, a bit unnerving.

Strange how my thoughts did not thank God for providing so well for me that I did not live in these places where shots ring out almost nightly and bars on the windows still don't make you feel safe and secure. I was not thanking God for my blessings, rather irritated that others had it so well. Not my proudest moment.

So on my trip back home from that luxury condo, I prayed, asking forgiveness from the God who gives that liberally, and I thanked him for many of the things I am grateful for. And I thanked him that this lovely woman wanted to sell her beautiful ottoman on Craigslist rather than moving it with her. Would I ever pay retail for it? Not likely. I'm too frugal for that.