Penny-wise

I received an email today from the salesperson who sold me my 97 Yukon. "It's been a year!" it trumpeted, and went on to ask for my future and referral business. I wrote the following reply:

It HAS been a year. We no longer have the Yukon as the mechanical needs were so extensive I'm writing it off as lesson learned. Only buy a vehicle that a trusted mechanic has looked at. Do NOT allow your better judgment to be shushed because someone tells you that the reason for the low, low price is to get people through the door to look at other vehicles. No, the reason for the low, low price is that there are major flaws with the vehicle. Not that I'm blaming anyone but myself. I should have listened to that voice in my head. That being said, I really loved the vehicle and even drove it cross-country, which was likely fool-hardy in it's condition. Would I ever buy another vehicle from Liberty? Probably not, but only because I'd be 1) too embarrassed by my own stupidity, 2) wondering if I would be foolish enough to listen to another sales pitch, and 3) on edge, wondering if the next vehicle I was looking at contained some horrible flaw which would come back to bite me in no time at all. I'm very unpleasant when I'm on edge and wouldn't want to put you (or me) through that.

Thankfully, I will likely never have to decide whether to purchase another vehicle from your dealership as I have moved to Maryland and now get to test the veracity and honor of a host of other dealerships. But I think for now, I will simply focus on finding a good and trustworthy mechanic to thoroughly inspect any used vehicle I would purchase, so that I don't simply take a dealer's word for the condition of the car, particularly if they are selling it "AS IS".

I nearly hit send, but even though what I wrote is true, it isn't the whole truth. We DID after all get in an accident. The accident made the mechanical problems even worse. We would have had to replace the vehicle without the accident, but leaving out the accident is, well, less than truthful. And the entire note was less than kind.

I'm hugely embarrassed by my part in the whole thing. I'm 45 years old. I know better. I did something foolish, like foregoing a $60 mechanics fee when buying a vehicle. Penny-side, pounds foolish.

Ticket

I came across a traffic ticket that someone else received. It offered the chance to simply cover it with a fine and a signature and checking that you either agree with the charges as filed or to mark "no contest" (or the latin equivalent thereof.)

I think this person should pay the fine, check one of the boxes and sign on the dotted line. It's over, it's settled, it's done. It's not a matter of fight it because it's wrong, it's a just charge. This person doesn't think so. No one else, when confronted with the facts of the incident see things as this person sees them, but that's how it goes.

I look at the situation and see bad consequences if this person doesn't pay up and sign it away. In fact, I was tempted to pay it for this person, check one of the boxes for them...but there's the sticky part. The signature. I can't do this for them.

It occurs to me that we all come to this place in life. We've done something wrong. By our very nature, we are sinful and separated from God. We have the charge from the governing authority, God, and God himself has paid the fine. There is only one box to check--Guilty as charged. But there is the signature line. Ah the signature line.

I cannot do that for another. All I can do is to urge them to sign away and take the payment that has already been made. Otherwise the charge stands. Sign away and accept the payment on your behalf and it's wiped away. Done. Gone.

Some of us want to protest that we're not guilty. Ahh, it's on tape. So we argue anything and everything to keep from admitting our guilt. We don't want our name on that line.

Some people think they would rather sign for their guilt and pay their own fine, but the fine is more than they have ever or will ever own. But they're gonna keep trying, perhaps doing community service, to try to wipe away the fine, or to wipe away their own guilt. It doesn't work. All they need to do is to sign.

I'm grateful that God himself was willing to pay the fine for me. Can you imagine the courtroom where the judge hands down the sentence and then pays it himself?

Amazing. Wonderful.

Nevertheless

So many hurting people and a faith tradition that I don't believe answers sufficiently the trials and troubles we face in this life. How is it that our expectations became so distant from the truth of scripture? I have had people tell me that God will step in, that he will heal, that he will change the circumstance, that he will lift us out of trouble. I have puzzled over that for years.

The Bible that I read says that Stephen was stoned, that sometimes a prophet was beaten, imprisoned, stoned, one was sawn in pieces. Most of the apostles were martyred, many of the first century Christians as well--Nero was known for using Christians as torches. Every one that I can think of who was mightily used of God led lives of suffering. Not everyone mentioned in Scripture, but the mighty ones.

How does this mesh with our belief that God is in the business of making our lives okay? Even when our theology disagrees with this belief, our internals are set (at least here in America) for rescue, earthly reward, etc. We buy into the beliefs that all we have to do is work hard, live cleanly, go to church, watch our tongues and try to clean up the behavior of society and our lives will go well. Our careers will flourish, our bank accounts increase and our later years will be easy.

We struggle when people have problems. We struggle when their children go astray, and we find all the reasons why, usually things that blame the parents and make us feel better because, since we are doing everything right, our children will not fall into the same things. We struggle when someone suffers from cancer, or when a friend becomes a young widow and we comfort with the lamest offerings we have--God means it for the best, and God has better things for you, or just look at what God will teach you! We don't suffer with them, we recoil from their trouble. It messes with our safety. If we acknowledge that these things aren't the result of their individual failings, or that they aren't some wonderful path they are on, then we acknowledge that we may have to suffer as well.

We turn from the family who is underemployed when they have to turn to social services for help. Well, they shouldn't have to go to social services for help. They should be taken care of by the church! The early church did just that. "And there were no needy persons among them." Read Acts 4.

The thing is, we were promised suffering. We were promised the difficult path. The Joel Osteen's of the world want you to believe that there is something wrong in that. They deny what scripture teaches and their words make me want to puke! Seriously. They are a vile distortion of scripture.

We are promised suffering. We are promised trials. Not, ohmygosh, I couldn't find a decent parking space at the mall today kind of trials, but real soul-wrenching, faith-stretching difficulties.

Some of us will have God step in and rearrange the circumstances. He provides some with miraculous healings, some with that tremendous job at just the right time. He provides those Lifetime Movie moments for some. But sometimes (and for me it seems more often than not) he does not intervene. God allows the bad thing. He allows the failures, the loss, the discouragement, the cruelty of others. He allows the loss of possession, the failure of the family or the church, the financial devastation, the job loss, the humiliation of government or charitable assistance. He allows the loss of a precious daughter, that special friend, the husband and provider. He allows a man to walk out on his wife for another woman or for a man. He allows a mother to walk out on her children. He allows parents to abuse their children and children to torment their parents. So very often he does not step in. What then?

Seriously, what then?

If you are a reasonably serious student of scripture I think these things should not surprise us. We should not be surprised by trials of various description. We were promised them. We were promised that the testing of our faith would produce endurance. We were promised the endurance would complete the work. We are promised that we will suffer many things for Christ's sake.

That's not what we want. Heck, it's not what I want. So often I look at others and see God rescue them when he is not rescuing me and I wonder, "why?" It's not a mildly curious question, it is a gut-wrenching, depth-of-my-soul question.

I used to beat myself up for those questions, and for asking God to deliver me out of my trials when it appeared he wanted me to walk through them. Jesus, in the garden of Gethsemane asked to be rescued from his upcoming suffering. He asked over and over in a torment that we are told made him sweat as it were drops of blood. That's some serious torment. That's some serious praying. We are told that after hours of this praying--alone, because his friends couldn't be bothered to stay awake while he is suffering so--he says, 'nevertheless, not my will but yours.'

And that's the key. I do not understand suffering. I can't explain it. I still prefer the miraculous saves. I know God could have stepped in and healed 18-year-old Alyssa even at the moment of her death. He did not. Why? I don't know. But I know my faith is tested through it.

My faith is not tested when God steps in and does the miraculous Lifetime Movie Moment save. It's joyous and I celebrate his goodness with everyone else, but God is good when he doesn't step in, just as he is when he does. God's love is no less when he elects to allow our suffering than when he elects to lift us out of it.

I need to remember this. My faith is useless unless it can deal with the bad things. It is useless to me and useless to others.

When Uncle Robb was dying of pancreatic cancer, he had been suffering for a long time, but really doing much better than I expected. I visited him one day in one of those moments where I just knew I was supposed to go right then. Things were falling apart. It was a cold snap and the window guys were there replacing the old, drafty windows. He seemed rattled. We were standing in his kitchen. The power snapped off in half of his house (I still don't understand this one) and it was the half with the furnace. At that moment, he crumpled. I don't know how I saw it, because his outward posture didn't change, but I saw it anyway. He said, "I've lost hope." I knew what he meant, and for a change I had the right words.

I reached out and wrapped my arms around him, after all, I knew he was dying from the moment I heard his diagnosis. Don't ask me how, but I felt that this time God wasn't stepping in. And there were signs along the way that told me to prepare for his death. Anyway, with my arms around him, I smiled and said, "You haven't lost hope. You've only lost hope for healing in this world. You still have every hope for healing in the next." Robb died fairly peacefully. He was in hospice around two weeks, and in that time was cheerful and sweet and unfailingly appreciative of everything people did to care for him. He was precious.

I miss him and may never stop missing him. I cannot explain his suffering away. I will not try to. I accept that this was an awful thing. Horrible. Terrible. Many things in life are. I have two friends my age and younger who are suffering from cancer. My neighbor back home is just finishing up her final round of chemo from this bout of cancer (it's her second.) Alyssa went home to be with the Lord a short time ago, and God has allowed us to lose our house. I cannot explain these things. I cannot explain away or put a happy face on the suffering that my friends are going through.

What I cling to and come back to is that God says he loves us. He says he is good. If I believe anything it is that he is who he says he is and that my understanding of that does not change it. If I need evidence, the cross should be all the evidence I need, but I am weak and sometimes (okay, usually) require more. God being God, there is no shortage of evidence of his might, his power, his glory and his love.

When I get messed up is when I expect God to step in and stop people from doing terrible things to each other. I get messed up when I assume that we are supposed to live a financially successful, disease-free and trouble-free life, or that because God can do something means that he is required to do it--for me.

Let me never try to encourage someone by telling them that God will rescue them. From experience I know that God can and sometimes does rescue us. From experience I also know that sometimes he does not. May I never tell someone that they just need to believe, as if their faith is the issue, not God's will. When I give false promises, when I tell people that, I am stealing the faith and hope that is real. I deny the truth of scripture.

I hear such nonsense and I want to spit. Ptuey! I was once told that our car breaking down was not "the abundant life that God promised" and that if I had faith it would not happen. "Don't you believe God loves you?" the prayer line lady asked. I thought of Stephen at that moment. I mean gimme a break. Was Stephen stoned because of a lack of faith? Was it because God did not love him enough? Was Jesus crucified because he wasn't grasping hold of the abundant life? Or is that faith sad and weak and useless for the reality of life?

Your life and my life will have trials. God may miraculously carry you out of yours. Excellent! God may not. Praise him anyway. He is worthy of praise, not just because of what he does for us day by day, but because of who he is! God may part the Red Sea, or dry the river Jordan, or he may hold us in the midst of the flood. He may rescue us or walk with us through the valley of the shadow of death. He may heal or he may not. Nevertheless, not my will, but his. It was good enough for Jesus.

Haven't posted much lately. My fault, she says, stating the obvious. I am in a funk. In limbo. I have no right to be there. God is on the throne, I am warm and filled, had one of the best Thanksgivings I can remember. At least on par with Thanksgivings with the Mattice's and our friends from CCR. Have been helping at church, and am heading out to work some more in a couple of minutes, but the truth is--really, and just between you and me, that though I have more time on my hands now than I have had in a while I do not spend enough time in the word. I have a feeling that this is what is behind my general malaise and dissatisfaction. I am not feasting on God.

Granted, I have not filled my new eyeglass prescription and that makes reading smaller print difficult, so I haven't been reading a lot of anything recently which is totally unlike me, but still...

Lone Surfer

I have a friend who is back in school and it is safe to say that she is in her late 40's. This is not the common thing amongst the people she knows. Neither her church nor her family, I would expect, provides a lot of support. As I was looking through my photos today this one struck me. A lot of times when I watch surfers it is a group of them, egging each other on to do better and laughing when one biffs it. This guy is out in less than ideal surf weather. It was a stormy day. It didn't rain where we were, but it was cool and blowing. Most people stayed away. But this guy, and a few brave or crazy others, went out in the colder temps and caught some more spectacular waves.

As I looked at this photo, I wanted to tell my friend, "See? This is what you are doing! You are out surfing alone catching the big wave. Is it risky? Is it lonely? You bet. But look at you go!"

I want to be that brave surfer, the one who goes where safety is not guaranteed, who faces the wind and cold and seeks after the God who has revealed himself in the narrow paths, in the dark valleys, in the choppy seas. Does he reveal himself in the huge stadiums with the pretty preacher with his big grin and self-help doctrine? Does he reveal himself in safety? Or does he show himself when we are tested and challenged, when struggle and trials of all descriptions come?

Sometimes that means we have to leave even the safety of our friends, to seek deeper, to find more, to delve into scripture in ways that few dare to go. Does this make us freaks? Likely. How about radical obedience? How about radical understanding of grace which allows for things like the loss of home, loss of friends, loss of life. How about walking the path He sets which seems to be so foreign to our understanding. How often when he tells me to do something do I ask, really? Puzzling. I cannot see the way through. But I want that radical faith.

I just wish that sometimes it were safer, warmer, more gentle and more socially acceptable.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Got a call about a job today. NOT! I had a feeling when the guy started talking a mile a minute he was talking about an outside sales position and when I asked him a question to ascertain what the position was he hung up on me. So...AFLAC is not going to be my new employer. Several of them have called or emailed me since I put my updated resume on one of the national job boards. They are "so excited" about my qualifications and experience. I think they are excited that I can fog a mirror and can apparently write a coherent sentence.

Is this it? Are these the available jobs now? Outside sales positions? I called the census bureau about their upcoming jobs and they are supposed to contact me about upcoming testing for census takers. I was trying for administrative jobs and am still hopeful. Ah well.

Hooray. I did not spend any money today. Oh wait, I bought Steve his lunch stuff at the grocery store. Forgot my foo-foo coffee creamer though. Bummer! I avoided the 1)mall, 2)thrift stores, 3)second-hand furniture stores, 4)Starbucks(!) and 5)book stores. All in all an amazing day when you look at it that way.

Also I colored my hair last night with one of those two part kind where you do an all-over color first and then add the highlights. I'm allergic to the first part so I did my usual--two Claritin and two Benadryl. I was so sleepy after the Benadryl hit that I didn't do the highlight part. At the moment my hair looks similar to my natural shade. I think. It was supposed to be a medium blond. I think I'm gonna have to go ahead and do the highlights because after I wash it a few times it will lighten up considerably. At least this time it isn't orange-y.

Ah more rambling. Well, tomorrow is another day. I wonder what I shall do with it.

It's a Good (will) Thing

Finally feeling a bit better and a bit stir crazy, so I took a drive to Bel Air, some 16 miles northeast of here. I was on a brief road trip recently when I decided to stop in at the roadside Goodwill Superstore. Now, I take exception to the term "superstore" in relation to the local Goodwill store. It is most definitely not "super". It's small, has crappy selection, is over-priced (like most everything else here in Maryland) and smells funny.

The Goodwill in Bel Air is bigger, has a lot more furniture (and since we got rid of most of ours before moving, I am definitely on the lookout), more decent clothing, a better selection of linens and shoes. Now if you know me and my aversion to used shoes, you will know that this is a growth area for me.

Today I found a pair of barely worn Clarks for $8. And they're green!

Also, the beautiful lined trenchcoat I saw last time was still there. $20 for a really expensive trenchcoat! And since it rains so much here that seems like a very useful item to have.

The best item of today's visit is a set of KitchenAid pots and pans (red!) for $28. These are the very one's I have looked at for ages in the department store but could not bring myself to shell out the cash.

There were some other awesome buys, but I let them pass. A pair of beautiful blackout lined coppery brown curtains with a beautifully stitched diamond pattern for $25. With each panel costing about $80-120 retail, this is a STEAL. But I'll have to let someone else steal it :(

I'm considering purchasing, and revitalizing furnishings for resale on Craigslist. I think I could do it as long as I'm careful to select items that don't require heavy-duty refinishing and as long as the place we move to has easy access.

Living on the third floor (no elevator) makes this impractical right now.

I am looking forward to moving soon. We haven't figured out where just yet, but are still hoping to get into Virginia. Steve found a reasonable rental price then asked me if 450 square feet was enough room. Ummmm. No. I think not. Of course once I am locked up in the local psych ward for treatment of my severe claustrophobia, I'm sure Steve would be quite comfortable.

Some interesting news today...Steve may be under consideration for long-term work overseas! Possibly in Germany. He asked me what I thought and I said, when do we leave? Are you kidding me? How incredibly awesome is that?

I wonder if I can do online school from out of the country? I'm sure I can, don't the military guys do that when they are posted out of the country?