Now before you get upset at the use of the terms "redneck" and "white-trash", I understand that these can be inflammatory. For a writer, I am remarkably bereft of words. Let me tell you the story.
The kids were all due home this Christmas, Alex from college, Craig from the army, where he is posted at Fort Sill, and Kristen with her husband Paul, from California. Alex was home, Craig arrived on the 18th, having driven all night with a buddy from Fort Sill, after sleeping for a few hours, they took off to see the sights. They arrived late that night, then were out again the next day. The 20th began a blizzard with Craig and his buddy having spent the night with a friend of Craig after an "all night video tournament" which I took to mean they were drinking and didn't want to drive.
Craig came home that day ready to go get his sister from DIA. The blizzard made it certain that Kristen and Paul would spend their Christmas in California, with flights cancelled and travellers stranded all over. It also meant that Craig couldn't get out to pick up Zach, who had to spend the next couple of days with Craig's friend.
On the 22nd we began to be able to get around, but with four vehicles at our house, we could only drive one of them. The work truck with the rack and chains was the only one able to get around.
Anyway, when Craig got out that afternoon and went to go pick up Zach, somehow he had gotten from the far southeast side to the middle far west side. I didn't think a whole lot about it, just wondered how he would get there.
Christmas Eve everyone showed up for the last of the three services I was singing in. Christmas morning we started late, with everyone hanging around for our traditional Lucky Charms Christmas breakfast. I also made a double batch of Swedish pancakes. We ate, then opened our meager presents. Then we all prepared to go to our traditional Christmas movie. Craig and Zach were late enough that we had to switch to a later show. Then they took Alex home while Steve and I went to my parents. Later Craig and Zach also showed up at Mom and Dad's.
It was a nice day, but everyone was moping that Kristen couldn't come.
The following morning the guys were gone and I was kind of depressed with everyone's attitude, so I went to spend a little time at a friend's for a peaceful interlude. When I left, I checked my phone to find that I had missed about eight calls. Alex. Craig. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. So I called only to hear that Craig had been in a bad car accident and that he and all his passengers were in the ER at Memorial. He was okay but "banged up pretty badly", Zach was hurt and couldn't feel part of his feet. One of his passengers was a friend who was 8 months pregnant and was supposed to stay the night. Her 11-month-old son was the only uninjured party (a testament to good car seats!).
Craig having the most readily apparent wounds, and two of the passengers having masked their injuries with adrenalin rushes, they were late to begin treatment/assessment and he was the first to be released, so he came home to shower, change and head back to check on his passengers. About two blocks away he says, "Uh, Mom? There's something I have to tell you. Angel (the pregnant passenger with 11 month old) isn't just my friend. She's my wife."
I never read Amy Vanderbilt's proper etiquette for this situation, so I don't say much. I don't really believe it, yet part of me knows it's true. It explains so much. I'm having a heart attack; no, I'm hyperventilating; no, I'm just fine, just heartbroken and can't breathe. I'm crying, so he says, "This is why I didn't tell you...'cause of how you react." Excuse me?
What, pray tell, is the appropriate response? He shows me the wedding certificate and I see that they have been married since the day he arrived home. Hiding this for over a week! Living in my house, spending Christmas with us while he had a wife on the other side of town. Plus, he's married to a pregnant girl with a child, neither child is Craig's. What the hell?
So...it gets worse, but this is my redneck, white-trash Christmas. I don't know the child I bore, but I have a mental picture of him that I cannot get out of my mind. He's a little guy, walking around in a mock baseball shirt and shorts, hair combed neatly over and bright blue eyes looking up out of the mischievous, chubby-cheeked, smiling face. How did we get from there to here?
My son, who I've always felt was a bit behind the crowd in maturity is now married and the stepdad of two children. He doesn't have two nickels to rub together and now has all these responsibilities he cannot comprehend.
I'm sure there are better adjectives to describe these holidays, but I'm afraid you'll have to supply them for me. I'm plum out of words.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Sanity
"Sanity's a one-trick pony. I mean, you only get one trick! But if you're good and crazy, the sky's the limit!"- The Tick
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Nobel Peace Prize
I'm surprised to care about the Nobel Prize this year. Ordinarily it is a mere blip in my consciousness and I could not name more than a few prize winners ever. This year, however, I am moved to find that Mohammed Yuniks and Grameen Bank share the Peace Prize.
I have seen interviews with Yuniks before and been touched that he was moved to do what he could and that what he could do, seeming so small, made such a huge difference in people's lives. With $27.00 he loaned to the people of a small village, they were able to get out from under the moneylenders and work their way into financial freedom. Their children were able to go to school. It's a wonderful story, all the more so because it is true.
The Bible says he who is faithful in little will be faithful in much, and I guess this is true of this man. Seeing a small thing he could do, he did it.
This is what I need. This year, when we are so broke, I am doing the little I can, first giving to my church, what little I can give, then giving to the One campaign. It is a little thing. Unbelievably small..
Great things are done with little; can you believe that a child can be supported for a month for $32? That is what Compassion asks to provide food, clothing and an education for a child. In the world in which I live, $32.00 will not provide much of anything. It will not pay the light bill, the phone bill, the water bill, it will not clothe me or fill my gas tank, but half a world away, $32.00 is an enormous sum of money.
In my world, many people won't even bend over to pick up a dollar bill if it falls to the ground, but the one campaign is using the proceeds of wristbands costing $1/each to help alleviate and work toward ending some of the worst suffering and injustice of our day.
I know many Christians who would scold me for having a "social gospel", but the Bible says we are to do it "unto the least of these". "He hath shewed thee, O man, what [is] good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?" Micah 6:8.
To do justly. To love mercy. To bind up the wounds, to care for the orphans and widows in their distress...
Imperfect as it may be, the One campaign is working to do justice and to be merciful to the poor, to declare a year of jubilee, to release the poor from their debtors, and to show mercy and humankindness to peoples stricken by AIDS. Are there other causes? Yes. International Justice Mission, Compassion, World Vision. You may have your own. This is my choice.
One little person doing the small things put in front of me. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the one small thing I can do blossomed into something like Grameen Bank? Let's be faithful in little friends.
I have seen interviews with Yuniks before and been touched that he was moved to do what he could and that what he could do, seeming so small, made such a huge difference in people's lives. With $27.00 he loaned to the people of a small village, they were able to get out from under the moneylenders and work their way into financial freedom. Their children were able to go to school. It's a wonderful story, all the more so because it is true.
The Bible says he who is faithful in little will be faithful in much, and I guess this is true of this man. Seeing a small thing he could do, he did it.
This is what I need. This year, when we are so broke, I am doing the little I can, first giving to my church, what little I can give, then giving to the One campaign. It is a little thing. Unbelievably small..
Great things are done with little; can you believe that a child can be supported for a month for $32? That is what Compassion asks to provide food, clothing and an education for a child. In the world in which I live, $32.00 will not provide much of anything. It will not pay the light bill, the phone bill, the water bill, it will not clothe me or fill my gas tank, but half a world away, $32.00 is an enormous sum of money.
In my world, many people won't even bend over to pick up a dollar bill if it falls to the ground, but the one campaign is using the proceeds of wristbands costing $1/each to help alleviate and work toward ending some of the worst suffering and injustice of our day.
I know many Christians who would scold me for having a "social gospel", but the Bible says we are to do it "unto the least of these". "He hath shewed thee, O man, what [is] good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?" Micah 6:8.
To do justly. To love mercy. To bind up the wounds, to care for the orphans and widows in their distress...
Imperfect as it may be, the One campaign is working to do justice and to be merciful to the poor, to declare a year of jubilee, to release the poor from their debtors, and to show mercy and humankindness to peoples stricken by AIDS. Are there other causes? Yes. International Justice Mission, Compassion, World Vision. You may have your own. This is my choice.
One little person doing the small things put in front of me. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the one small thing I can do blossomed into something like Grameen Bank? Let's be faithful in little friends.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
A Christmas Poem - 2006
In the toughest of times
The seasons still change
Winter comes round
Bringing Christmas again
I’m tempted to shut down
to simply hibernate
close the blinds, turn the phones off
say to all “Go away!”
But in the tough times HE came
In a lowly cattle stall
He came as a baby
Helpless and small
To Joseph and Mary
So far from their home
To the city of David
By edict from Rome
The tough times had just started
The family soon fled
When the angel warned them
What was in Herod’s head
He would kill all the young ones
To be rid of the king
The stars had announced
And the wise men had seen.
It was tough to be walking each day
Town to town
No home, no bed, no pillow they found
Hunted and praised, revered and reviled
Surely wrong for God’s only child
It was the Father who sent him
And to him he cried
As he prayed in the garden
No one at his side
His sweat like blood
So tormented was he
By the pain he saw coming
Up on Calvary
“Not my will, by thine.”
In submission complete
To pain he went forward
As he rose to his feet.
It was pain and rejection
The sin of the world
On the face of perfection
Such insults were hurled.
He cried out in pain and deep agony
But still he went forward for you and for me
It was the tough times the worst of the worst
And he went through it all for he thought of me first
So this Christmas I remember
The God born to man
The son of the father
Salvation’s only plan
And I sing through my tears
Of that holy incarnation
My Jesus, My Savior
The hope of the nations
My troubles seem smaller
As I remember this
My heart so much lighter
As I walk in the midst
Of truths so profound
I cannot comprehend
That God to this world
His own Son did he send
For miserable people
The worst and the least
No other could save us
But our great High Priest.
The seasons still change
Winter comes round
Bringing Christmas again
I’m tempted to shut down
to simply hibernate
close the blinds, turn the phones off
say to all “Go away!”
But in the tough times HE came
In a lowly cattle stall
He came as a baby
Helpless and small
To Joseph and Mary
So far from their home
To the city of David
By edict from Rome
The tough times had just started
The family soon fled
When the angel warned them
What was in Herod’s head
He would kill all the young ones
To be rid of the king
The stars had announced
And the wise men had seen.
It was tough to be walking each day
Town to town
No home, no bed, no pillow they found
Hunted and praised, revered and reviled
Surely wrong for God’s only child
It was the Father who sent him
And to him he cried
As he prayed in the garden
No one at his side
His sweat like blood
So tormented was he
By the pain he saw coming
Up on Calvary
“Not my will, by thine.”
In submission complete
To pain he went forward
As he rose to his feet.
It was pain and rejection
The sin of the world
On the face of perfection
Such insults were hurled.
He cried out in pain and deep agony
But still he went forward for you and for me
It was the tough times the worst of the worst
And he went through it all for he thought of me first
So this Christmas I remember
The God born to man
The son of the father
Salvation’s only plan
And I sing through my tears
Of that holy incarnation
My Jesus, My Savior
The hope of the nations
My troubles seem smaller
As I remember this
My heart so much lighter
As I walk in the midst
Of truths so profound
I cannot comprehend
That God to this world
His own Son did he send
For miserable people
The worst and the least
No other could save us
But our great High Priest.
Life is Hard but God is Good
I do not negate any of what I said previously. It is legitimate to wonder, to question, to wrestle, if you will, with God. I still don't understand what he allows, but I am not beating myself up for the struggle. After all, Jesus, the very God-in-flesh, struggled in the Garden of Gethsemane. His struggle was far worse than mine, for his suffering was to be far greater than I can even imagine. If he struggled and asked to be let out of his suffering, I am comforted that it is okay for me to struggle. I need to follow his example and his conclusion, which was "nevertheless, not my will, but yours." I do that. Begrudgingly, perhaps. With resignation, sometimes. But I do submit to the will of God.
With this latest struggle I have come to a place of peace. Peace at last. I have come to find that I have friends that truly care, even if they do not understand. I have friends that are there for me in ways I especially needed, and that I have people in my life who understand the struggle and will not beat me up or preach at me for struggling.
I have asked God to allow me to be shifted off my axis, to have a complete shift in view if it will allow me to have a closer, deeper relationship with him, and I have embarrassed myself by crying in front of nearly everyone I know.
Today and yesterday I feel like the burden has been lifted in small and large ways. Oh, I'm still unsure that we will get out of this in the financial shape we had planned on. We have had to take on more debt to get through it, but I do see the way to the other side.
On that side I feel a greater sense of compassion and purpose and mission toward the truly poor in this world. Even more I believe that I cannot turn my back on or ignore the horrors going on in the world beyond my country.
Yes, there are poor here, but for most of them it is not a matter of a roof, just the size of that roof. For most it is not a matter of clothing, but the kind and style of that clothing. Please don't misunderstand, I know about the great financial pressures there are in this country because of our affluence relative to much of the world. The poor in our country are not immune. It takes more money to live in poverty in this country than it does to live in wealth in some others. I understand that.
But there are few people in this country who are literally starving to death. In many other countries there are people who starve to death every day. There is an entire continent that has been ravished by AIDS, leaving it's children orphaned and raising other children, with NOTHING.
In my shortsightedness and pride I have found myself thinking at times that a lot of these problems are brought on by the corruption of governments and are the result of sinful lifestyles, and so allowed myself the luxury of doing nothing.
What I think God is showing me is that I have no right. For when I was dead in my own trespasses and sins, Christ died for me. He came not because I was upright and moral, but because I was without hope. How then can I claim to be his follower and do nothing to help those who are without hope? How can I refuse to aid people around the world made in his image because I don't like how they are living? When was that option presented?
So, part of what I am thinking about is how to revamp my financial world so that I am living a lifestyle that I can afford and support, and finding ways to save and alter those expenses so that I can fulfill one of the purposes that God has for me. How can I continue to live up to the very top of my income, living in fact like most Americans, and be unable to help those in need. I who have so much, should never be grasping after more.
Once we are out of this mess, and in gratitude for God's help through this mess, I must put my time talents and treasures to help the poor, the sick, the downtrodden.
To this end, I have been moved by a rock star. Someone I have looked at in disdain in the past for what seemed like arrogance. I have watched an interview with Bono. I have seen in twice in its entirety and another time in an abbreviated version. The heart of this man and the simple truths he talked about, and his call to the church to take up the cause of the poor, the downtrodden, the sick and those living without justice speaks to me. I hear the voice of God saying, "Listen. This is for real."
So I am trying to find ways to be a part. You may have noticed the "One Campaign" information on this page. I am more committed than ever to this as one of the venues God is using. I don't believe that I should not do what I believe is the right thing just because some immoral, amoral, hedonistic Hollywood actor types are part of it. In fact, I should probably be ashamed that they have gone where God's church should have led the way.
We are His hands, we are His feet. We have worried so about keeping His hands and feet unsoiled that we haven't done the work he asked of us in Matthew 25.
Anyway, that's where I am today. I am much more at peace with God. Do I understand? No I don't. Do I like what has been happening? NO. But I will cling to God's words which tell me that he is good and loving, merciful and kind and that he has my very best interests at heart. At the very least he has His best interests at heart, and seeing how he spent his time and gave himself in the past, how can I doubt that he is working some grander purpose here?
With this latest struggle I have come to a place of peace. Peace at last. I have come to find that I have friends that truly care, even if they do not understand. I have friends that are there for me in ways I especially needed, and that I have people in my life who understand the struggle and will not beat me up or preach at me for struggling.
I have asked God to allow me to be shifted off my axis, to have a complete shift in view if it will allow me to have a closer, deeper relationship with him, and I have embarrassed myself by crying in front of nearly everyone I know.
Today and yesterday I feel like the burden has been lifted in small and large ways. Oh, I'm still unsure that we will get out of this in the financial shape we had planned on. We have had to take on more debt to get through it, but I do see the way to the other side.
On that side I feel a greater sense of compassion and purpose and mission toward the truly poor in this world. Even more I believe that I cannot turn my back on or ignore the horrors going on in the world beyond my country.
Yes, there are poor here, but for most of them it is not a matter of a roof, just the size of that roof. For most it is not a matter of clothing, but the kind and style of that clothing. Please don't misunderstand, I know about the great financial pressures there are in this country because of our affluence relative to much of the world. The poor in our country are not immune. It takes more money to live in poverty in this country than it does to live in wealth in some others. I understand that.
But there are few people in this country who are literally starving to death. In many other countries there are people who starve to death every day. There is an entire continent that has been ravished by AIDS, leaving it's children orphaned and raising other children, with NOTHING.
In my shortsightedness and pride I have found myself thinking at times that a lot of these problems are brought on by the corruption of governments and are the result of sinful lifestyles, and so allowed myself the luxury of doing nothing.
What I think God is showing me is that I have no right. For when I was dead in my own trespasses and sins, Christ died for me. He came not because I was upright and moral, but because I was without hope. How then can I claim to be his follower and do nothing to help those who are without hope? How can I refuse to aid people around the world made in his image because I don't like how they are living? When was that option presented?
So, part of what I am thinking about is how to revamp my financial world so that I am living a lifestyle that I can afford and support, and finding ways to save and alter those expenses so that I can fulfill one of the purposes that God has for me. How can I continue to live up to the very top of my income, living in fact like most Americans, and be unable to help those in need. I who have so much, should never be grasping after more.
Once we are out of this mess, and in gratitude for God's help through this mess, I must put my time talents and treasures to help the poor, the sick, the downtrodden.
To this end, I have been moved by a rock star. Someone I have looked at in disdain in the past for what seemed like arrogance. I have watched an interview with Bono. I have seen in twice in its entirety and another time in an abbreviated version. The heart of this man and the simple truths he talked about, and his call to the church to take up the cause of the poor, the downtrodden, the sick and those living without justice speaks to me. I hear the voice of God saying, "Listen. This is for real."
So I am trying to find ways to be a part. You may have noticed the "One Campaign" information on this page. I am more committed than ever to this as one of the venues God is using. I don't believe that I should not do what I believe is the right thing just because some immoral, amoral, hedonistic Hollywood actor types are part of it. In fact, I should probably be ashamed that they have gone where God's church should have led the way.
We are His hands, we are His feet. We have worried so about keeping His hands and feet unsoiled that we haven't done the work he asked of us in Matthew 25.
Anyway, that's where I am today. I am much more at peace with God. Do I understand? No I don't. Do I like what has been happening? NO. But I will cling to God's words which tell me that he is good and loving, merciful and kind and that he has my very best interests at heart. At the very least he has His best interests at heart, and seeing how he spent his time and gave himself in the past, how can I doubt that he is working some grander purpose here?
Saturday, December 02, 2006
When Life is Hard...
I won't go into all the datails, but life has been incredibly difficult the past couple of months. Problems pile on top of problems, crisis after crisis. No sooner do I crawl back onto my feet from one blow than the rug is pulled out from under me again.
This is a real crisis of faith. Well, I'm not sure that's the right way to state that. I believe that God is in control, that he loves me and that he has my best interests at heart. I also believe that he lets incredibly terrible things happen to me. Not just to me, but to a lot of us. I don't understand it. I truly don't.
I don't know how to reconcile the God who lets terrible things happen to his people and the God who gave all for me. How does the same God give his own son, his own son who is fully God and fully man and who gave his own life, how is it that he tells Satan that he can do what he wants with Job except killing him. So Job has any number of calamities that befall him. His children all die, his wealth is gone and then his health is destroyed. His "friends" berate him, telling him that it is because of something he has done, basically that he deserves what is happening.
God's response is a long talk with the basic message that we cannot know the mind of God and that we should not so presume that we should.
I do not know the mind of God. I was not there when he formed the universe. I was not there when he hung the stars. I was not there when he taught the morning star to sing. I admit this. I do not in any way suggest that I should know how things should go. I do say that these things suck and I cannot fathom how they can be from the hand of a loving God. He is not cruel, though these things seem cruel. He is not capricious, though his ways sometimes seem so. These things seem diabolical. I say these things from my mind. My heart is completely different. My heart is crying out "why?" or rather "why me?" I wonder if I have done something to deserve this, and I wonder if there is something about me that should expect life to suck so that I am not completely blindsided by suffering, by pain.
This latest trial , or series of trials has me questioning not my faith, but who God is. I mean who is he really? Can we ever understand even a portion of who he is?
I keep hearing snippets of Scripture in my mind. "Shall we accept good from his hand and not evil?" "My ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts." (paraphrased of course). Parts of God's discourse to Job keep coming back. The "where were you" or "were you there when" portions are filling my mind.
I've been reading Jeremiah, and thinking about what God has allowed in his peoples lives, and what he has asked them to do, knowing the enormous pain and suffering that would be to come. It is unfathomable to me. I try to tell myself that it is because I cannot see beyond this world, cannot see outside of time, but the truth is that I am really upset.
I go back and forth between pain and anger and trust. I am beginning to understand the words of Peter in a new way. When Jesus asks him if he is going to leave with the others who have taken off due to a very uncomfortable teaching and strange words he has said, Peter replies "Where else can I go? Yours are the words of eternal life." In the past I thought these were brave and noble words and imagined them spoken with trust and faith and resolve. Now I hear them said with resignation, wearily, perhaps in frustration and anger. Where else can I go? There is nowhere else for me. If God isn't who he says he is then all is lost anyway.
The question remains how do I reconcile these disparate images of God, these two truths about God? How do I reconcile his goodness and lovingkindness, his mercy and his grace with the horror that he allows his people to go through? How do I deal with Job? How do I deal with Stephen being stoned? How do I handle all of the imprisonments of his people? I know we do not live for today, but we have to live in today. We feel all of our sufferings. We are not immune from the pains even if we know the reason for it, which I don't.
I feel I have lost my reputation, my good name. We have worked hard to restore or credit after previous difficulties, but it seems that the moment we come close to pulling out of the mess, we have another series of troubles that keep us from ever really pulling out altogether.
This latest series of downturns is more disappointing and upsetting than any that have gone before. Perhaps because it seems so capricious and unbelievable. The constancy of the pressure is wearing me down.
Satan is really giving me a hard time, whispering things at me that would deflate me. I don't know how much of the distress I am feeling is the result of Satan's work; of him telling me things to cause doubt, distrust, defeat and discouragement.
I'm fairly certain that some of what I am feeling is the result of his work--the persistent feeling that I have been singled out for God's punishment, his discipline, his displeasure. So I'm spending a lot of time trying to think through things. How can I be singled out for his punishment, discipline and displeasure when I was also singled out for his unbelievable gift of salvation. Compared to that why should I fight against whatever God sends me?
Imponderable.
This is a real crisis of faith. Well, I'm not sure that's the right way to state that. I believe that God is in control, that he loves me and that he has my best interests at heart. I also believe that he lets incredibly terrible things happen to me. Not just to me, but to a lot of us. I don't understand it. I truly don't.
I don't know how to reconcile the God who lets terrible things happen to his people and the God who gave all for me. How does the same God give his own son, his own son who is fully God and fully man and who gave his own life, how is it that he tells Satan that he can do what he wants with Job except killing him. So Job has any number of calamities that befall him. His children all die, his wealth is gone and then his health is destroyed. His "friends" berate him, telling him that it is because of something he has done, basically that he deserves what is happening.
God's response is a long talk with the basic message that we cannot know the mind of God and that we should not so presume that we should.
I do not know the mind of God. I was not there when he formed the universe. I was not there when he hung the stars. I was not there when he taught the morning star to sing. I admit this. I do not in any way suggest that I should know how things should go. I do say that these things suck and I cannot fathom how they can be from the hand of a loving God. He is not cruel, though these things seem cruel. He is not capricious, though his ways sometimes seem so. These things seem diabolical. I say these things from my mind. My heart is completely different. My heart is crying out "why?" or rather "why me?" I wonder if I have done something to deserve this, and I wonder if there is something about me that should expect life to suck so that I am not completely blindsided by suffering, by pain.
This latest trial , or series of trials has me questioning not my faith, but who God is. I mean who is he really? Can we ever understand even a portion of who he is?
I keep hearing snippets of Scripture in my mind. "Shall we accept good from his hand and not evil?" "My ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts." (paraphrased of course). Parts of God's discourse to Job keep coming back. The "where were you" or "were you there when" portions are filling my mind.
I've been reading Jeremiah, and thinking about what God has allowed in his peoples lives, and what he has asked them to do, knowing the enormous pain and suffering that would be to come. It is unfathomable to me. I try to tell myself that it is because I cannot see beyond this world, cannot see outside of time, but the truth is that I am really upset.
I go back and forth between pain and anger and trust. I am beginning to understand the words of Peter in a new way. When Jesus asks him if he is going to leave with the others who have taken off due to a very uncomfortable teaching and strange words he has said, Peter replies "Where else can I go? Yours are the words of eternal life." In the past I thought these were brave and noble words and imagined them spoken with trust and faith and resolve. Now I hear them said with resignation, wearily, perhaps in frustration and anger. Where else can I go? There is nowhere else for me. If God isn't who he says he is then all is lost anyway.
The question remains how do I reconcile these disparate images of God, these two truths about God? How do I reconcile his goodness and lovingkindness, his mercy and his grace with the horror that he allows his people to go through? How do I deal with Job? How do I deal with Stephen being stoned? How do I handle all of the imprisonments of his people? I know we do not live for today, but we have to live in today. We feel all of our sufferings. We are not immune from the pains even if we know the reason for it, which I don't.
I feel I have lost my reputation, my good name. We have worked hard to restore or credit after previous difficulties, but it seems that the moment we come close to pulling out of the mess, we have another series of troubles that keep us from ever really pulling out altogether.
This latest series of downturns is more disappointing and upsetting than any that have gone before. Perhaps because it seems so capricious and unbelievable. The constancy of the pressure is wearing me down.
Satan is really giving me a hard time, whispering things at me that would deflate me. I don't know how much of the distress I am feeling is the result of Satan's work; of him telling me things to cause doubt, distrust, defeat and discouragement.
I'm fairly certain that some of what I am feeling is the result of his work--the persistent feeling that I have been singled out for God's punishment, his discipline, his displeasure. So I'm spending a lot of time trying to think through things. How can I be singled out for his punishment, discipline and displeasure when I was also singled out for his unbelievable gift of salvation. Compared to that why should I fight against whatever God sends me?
Imponderable.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I Can't, I Won't and You Can't Make Me
I think one of the hardest things to do in this life is to ask for help. I've had to learn to ask for help with some things (like lugging the 50 lb. sack of dog food out of the cart and into my truck), but I still don't ask for help out with the groceries even if I'm limping like a three-legged dog. There is a prideful part of me that says I should not ask for help unless I really need it, which means if it cannot possibly get done any other way. A painful limp does not make it impossible, merely difficult, so I stick my chin out and do it my own self.
I have carried this to ridiculous extremes at times, refusing to ask someone else to open the jar of spaghetti sauce, for instance. I have not ever had a hard time letting someone else change my tire, though. Not sure why, maybe because I've never had to ask, kind gentlemen just stop and offer their assistance (thus making gracious acceptance the right thing to do).
Probably the most difficult thing for me is to ask for financial help. This is humbling and humiliating beyond anything I can think of, aside from a public pelvic exam. I don't know if this is a universal human reaction, or an American reaction or merely my own, but this is something I DO NOT do. The situation has to be dire.
Lately the situation has been dire, and today, coming to the end of myself, I was forced to ask a friend for help. I don't know if I could have gotten the words out, but her help was offered before I could even ask, and part of me, the hugest part of me, my pride, my sense of who I am wanted to say, no thank you, I'll be fine. She would have known I was lying.
Let me suggest to any of you who want to go into contracting, either as a general or a sub-contractor, that you carefully calculate your estimated costs and expenses, your equipment and staffing needs, weigh them, add them, go over them twice, and when you have come up with the minimum required number, double it. This is the minimum of what you need to make this work. From the start hire a good bookkeeper, buy the right software and put someone in charge of ensuring that billings are done, that collections are pursued and that all bills are reviewed and paid.
If you are a general contractor, let me make this plea--never let your subs dangle. Always pay them on time, and do due diligence with the owner to ensure that they have the financial capability to do the project and verify as best you can that they will not leave you and your subs hanging out to dry.
Do not assume that huge projects for Fortune 500 companies are safe. Assume that they will be worse than just about anyone else in paying their bills.
Unless you do this, you could take on projects that will give you sleepless nights worrying about paying your bills, worrying about hanging your subs out to dry. You could leave your subs begging for money to meet payroll.
If you are considering being a subcontractor, please carefully consider your ability to carry the full cost of jobs on your back for 60 - 90 days. For though payments are supposed to be made within about 20 days, I can assure you that is rare. If you find a company that treats you well and fairly, and pays on time, never undervalue that relationship.
I have carried this to ridiculous extremes at times, refusing to ask someone else to open the jar of spaghetti sauce, for instance. I have not ever had a hard time letting someone else change my tire, though. Not sure why, maybe because I've never had to ask, kind gentlemen just stop and offer their assistance (thus making gracious acceptance the right thing to do).
Probably the most difficult thing for me is to ask for financial help. This is humbling and humiliating beyond anything I can think of, aside from a public pelvic exam. I don't know if this is a universal human reaction, or an American reaction or merely my own, but this is something I DO NOT do. The situation has to be dire.
Lately the situation has been dire, and today, coming to the end of myself, I was forced to ask a friend for help. I don't know if I could have gotten the words out, but her help was offered before I could even ask, and part of me, the hugest part of me, my pride, my sense of who I am wanted to say, no thank you, I'll be fine. She would have known I was lying.
Let me suggest to any of you who want to go into contracting, either as a general or a sub-contractor, that you carefully calculate your estimated costs and expenses, your equipment and staffing needs, weigh them, add them, go over them twice, and when you have come up with the minimum required number, double it. This is the minimum of what you need to make this work. From the start hire a good bookkeeper, buy the right software and put someone in charge of ensuring that billings are done, that collections are pursued and that all bills are reviewed and paid.
If you are a general contractor, let me make this plea--never let your subs dangle. Always pay them on time, and do due diligence with the owner to ensure that they have the financial capability to do the project and verify as best you can that they will not leave you and your subs hanging out to dry.
Do not assume that huge projects for Fortune 500 companies are safe. Assume that they will be worse than just about anyone else in paying their bills.
Unless you do this, you could take on projects that will give you sleepless nights worrying about paying your bills, worrying about hanging your subs out to dry. You could leave your subs begging for money to meet payroll.
If you are considering being a subcontractor, please carefully consider your ability to carry the full cost of jobs on your back for 60 - 90 days. For though payments are supposed to be made within about 20 days, I can assure you that is rare. If you find a company that treats you well and fairly, and pays on time, never undervalue that relationship.
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