I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll do what you want me to do.
Though the road is long and far from home,
I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll say what you want me to say.
I'll sing what you want me to sing.
For all of my days I will give you praise,
I'll say what you want me to say.
You alone are my hope and my stay.
But for you, I would fall away.
But I can't help but last when you hold me fast.
You alone are my hope and my stay.
You alone are my hope and my stay.
You alone paid what no one could pay.
You gave up your life as a sacrifice.
You alone are my hope and my stay.
So,
I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll do what you want me to do.
I owe you my life and my sacrifice.
I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll do what you want me to do, for
you're road was long and far from home,
So I'll go where you want me to go.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Bear and Barney
I got a new dog this week. He was being given away on Freecycle, and I have been wanting a dog, especially with Steve working away. The house is so quiet and I don't think I have ever been so lonely. Anyway, the research I have done on different breeds indicated that a yellow lab might be the right breed, providing the particular one was submissive. Happy, the beagle we have now, is a domineering brat when it comes to other dogs. She is not, however a great companion or a watchdog in any sense of the word. As near as I can figure she is closing in on 12 years old and likes to lay around, sleep, eat and ride in the truck.
When the offer came up for a yellow lab, I made arrangements to see him right away, and brought him home. He is friendly, calm, submissive and playful. He is also quite a beautiful dog and took to me almost immediately.
The surprise for me is that as much as I am falling in love with this dog, and in many ways he is a much better dog for me than Barney was, I find myself missing Barney terribly. The grief that I have managed to shove aside and hide from for quite some time has surfaced big time as I hold onto this great big lapdog and cry.
I don't really understand it, except that it is pretty hard to keep your heart shuttered when faced with this big lovable galoot. As the love and affection for this dog are felt, in equal or greater measure the sorrow that I have managed to push back is pouring out of me.
Sorrow and joy, grief and happiness are mingled. I am so acutely aware of the loss it is as if it happened yesterday. I steeled myself to get through putting him down and kind of let myself believe that he was merely around the corner, outside playing or downstairs and his lovable little face would come around any moment. I don't know if this is typical or not. Perhaps I am odd in the way I trick myself into not feeling the most painful things by pushing them aside and playing mind games with myself.
It's been almost four months if I add it up right. For four months I counted up the advantages to being without Barney. Far less hair everywhere; no constant watching to make sure he didn't break out of the fence; no more foul breath in my face, and far less doggy farts smelling up the house. I didn't have to worry as much about the beagle, because she became far more attached to me without him there. Less food to purchase, less poop to scoop.
I was kidding myself. All those things are true, but oh how I miss him. I miss that goofy face and personality. I miss his protectiveness and his loyalty. I miss him following me everywhere I go. I miss the way he loved riding in the truck.
Strangely, those behaviors that Bear has that mirror Barney don't lessen the grief. I love those things in him, but they also are really bringing the pain to the surface. I cannot hide from it. Oh how I miss my buddy.
When the offer came up for a yellow lab, I made arrangements to see him right away, and brought him home. He is friendly, calm, submissive and playful. He is also quite a beautiful dog and took to me almost immediately.
The surprise for me is that as much as I am falling in love with this dog, and in many ways he is a much better dog for me than Barney was, I find myself missing Barney terribly. The grief that I have managed to shove aside and hide from for quite some time has surfaced big time as I hold onto this great big lapdog and cry.
I don't really understand it, except that it is pretty hard to keep your heart shuttered when faced with this big lovable galoot. As the love and affection for this dog are felt, in equal or greater measure the sorrow that I have managed to push back is pouring out of me.
Sorrow and joy, grief and happiness are mingled. I am so acutely aware of the loss it is as if it happened yesterday. I steeled myself to get through putting him down and kind of let myself believe that he was merely around the corner, outside playing or downstairs and his lovable little face would come around any moment. I don't know if this is typical or not. Perhaps I am odd in the way I trick myself into not feeling the most painful things by pushing them aside and playing mind games with myself.
It's been almost four months if I add it up right. For four months I counted up the advantages to being without Barney. Far less hair everywhere; no constant watching to make sure he didn't break out of the fence; no more foul breath in my face, and far less doggy farts smelling up the house. I didn't have to worry as much about the beagle, because she became far more attached to me without him there. Less food to purchase, less poop to scoop.
I was kidding myself. All those things are true, but oh how I miss him. I miss that goofy face and personality. I miss his protectiveness and his loyalty. I miss him following me everywhere I go. I miss the way he loved riding in the truck.
Strangely, those behaviors that Bear has that mirror Barney don't lessen the grief. I love those things in him, but they also are really bringing the pain to the surface. I cannot hide from it. Oh how I miss my buddy.
Where He Leads Me...
I was comfortably assuring myself that God did NOT have a move in mind for us, and that he was testing me, asking me the Moses type question "Are you willing?" And I confidently answered "yes". That's fine.
Then Steve lost his job. Called all over looking for work and the job that came was in Las Vegas. Still fine, after all, like most construction jobs, this is temporary. Except that when he arrived they told him they want him to relocate. Relocate! To Las Vegas? Sin City? Desert? Barren? Las Vegas?!?! So I told the Lord that I said I would go and I will, but I would rather not. I don't want to, but I will obey.
So....the short version is I don't know. Steve does not want to live in Las Vegas long-term, and it really isn't possible for us to do anything before summer, anyway. We are kind of in limbo. It seems fairly expensive to live there, my schooling would have to wait due to non-resident tuition rates, my parents are here and dad is in poor health, and my church is here.
Yes. I will go. Wherever He sends me I will go.
I am prepared for: staying here with Steve working away for a while, moving to Las Vegas temporarily, as Steve says no way will we sell our house, and even for a total change of mind on his part that says we are moving. I'm trying to make sure I am following the cloud.
Then Steve lost his job. Called all over looking for work and the job that came was in Las Vegas. Still fine, after all, like most construction jobs, this is temporary. Except that when he arrived they told him they want him to relocate. Relocate! To Las Vegas? Sin City? Desert? Barren? Las Vegas?!?! So I told the Lord that I said I would go and I will, but I would rather not. I don't want to, but I will obey.
So....the short version is I don't know. Steve does not want to live in Las Vegas long-term, and it really isn't possible for us to do anything before summer, anyway. We are kind of in limbo. It seems fairly expensive to live there, my schooling would have to wait due to non-resident tuition rates, my parents are here and dad is in poor health, and my church is here.
Yes. I will go. Wherever He sends me I will go.
I am prepared for: staying here with Steve working away for a while, moving to Las Vegas temporarily, as Steve says no way will we sell our house, and even for a total change of mind on his part that says we are moving. I'm trying to make sure I am following the cloud.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Go With The Cloud
On the day the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony, was set up, the cloud covered it. From evening till morning the cloud above the tabernacle looked like fire. That is how it continued to be; the cloud covered it, and at night it looked like fire. Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the Lord's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp.
When the cloud remained over the tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the Lord's order and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud was over the tabernacle only a few days; at the Lord's command they would encamp, and then at his command they would set out. Sometimes the cloud stayed only from evening till morning, and when it lifted in the morning, they set out. Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out.
At the Lord's command they encamped, and at the Lord's command they set out. They obeyed the Lord's order, in accordance with his command through Moses. Numbers 9:15-23 NIVI've been thinking about this section of the Old Testament for a couple of weeks now. As I have thought about it I have become more and more aware of how often I say 'no' to God. I think I am saying it to others, but I am actually saying it to God. For example, when we moved back to Colorado more than ten years ago, I turned to my husband as we crossed the state line and said, "You know you're never getting me out of this state again."
I said this as an objection to the constant moving we had done our entire married life (we've moved more than 20 times.) As I figuratively put my foot down, I wasn't just talking to Steve, but I was saying to God that all this moving was over and that it was time to stay put.
Now, even once we were back in Colorado Springs we moved from one apartment into another, then into a rental house and then to the house we purchased in '99 and have lived in ever since. The moving boxes are all unpacked and thrown away. I am done.
As I read this scripture, however, I was certain that God was telling me that I had said this to Him and that he was asking me to be prepared to pull up the tent stakes if he asked me to go. So often I delude myself that I am responding to someone other than God when I stamp my foot and say "No!" or when I whine "but I want to." God is not fooled.
I also felt prompted to share this passage with someone else in regard to the direction our Women's Ministry Committee needs to go. I feel as if we have gone along doing what we think we should do, but have not really searched to see where the cloud is. Where is God leading? Is he leading or is he asking us to stay still?
As I surrendered to God's prompting and said that I would follow the cloud, a feeling of peace and contentment I cannot really describe came over me. I am so glad to so, have, for once, done the surrendering without fighting, whining or complaining.
I have no idea if there is a move in our future, it seemed more like a question of "will you surrender" rather than a confirmation of an impending move, but when you say you are willing, you gotta mean it.
But how do we know where God is leading us when there is no actual cloud to follow now? First, God will never lead us contrary to scripture. Second, we must pray. Through prayer, concentrated and constant, God talks to us, sometimes he reveals himself through a new understanding of his word, sometimes he leads by moving the circumstances.
I have a friend who was recently offered another position at double his current salary. He told me that he already makes plenty of money and wanted to know what I thought he should do. Was this a temptation or an opportunity?
It wasn't clear to me at all, as this is a man who I believe is one of the few who can manage wealth without letting it drag him from serving God, and I told him so. But sometimes I believe that we are led through our spouses and he has a wonderful wife and has godly counsel, so I just agreed to pray for him, and I have.
I am thrilled to report he has decided to turn down the position. I would have been equally thrilled had he decided to take it, as I really believe this man put the matter to prayer and was confident that he was following God's leading. That's the main thing, after all. He followed the cloud. I want to follow it too.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Goals
Been thinking about what it takes to reach my goals, and what those goals are.
One of my goals is to complete my degree(s). To do that I must start. Check. Work at my coursework. Check. Check.
One of my goals is to lose weight. Not just some weight, but to reduce considerably in size. One doctor said it wouldn't have much of an effect on the fibromyalgia, but I don't believe it. It seems as if anything that makes movement more difficult puts more strain on joints, muscles and ligaments, so anything you do to reduce that should help. I used to think that there was something wrong about surgical options, but I keep thinking about the scripture that says if your eye offends you pluck it out. I read that as "do whatever it takes to avoid sin." If you cannot control your eating habits on your own, and surgery is a viable alternative, go for it. I'm not there yet, but the whole food control is barely working. Just like the doctor said, it is nearly impossible.
Another goal is to finish the Timmy book. Unfortunately what I've written lately isn't sequential, so it doesn't fit online very well. I need to continue the story from the last point and post what I have missed. I really need to settle down and do this. I'm going to have to schedule this in, because it's too easy to let time go by.
Another goal, and the one that should be top priority is more time reading the Bible. More time in the Word. I do this, but in all honesty, not as much as I should. Why not? I think in part because it is a reminder of how far short of the mark I am. Am I gentle? Am I kind? Am I merciful? Do I visit the sick, the prisoner, the widow? Do I love God with my whole heart? Yet how will I change and become the person I want to be but am afraid to become? Only through the word. Reading it, meditating on it, putting it into practice. How else? Don't know.
One of my goals is to complete my degree(s). To do that I must start. Check. Work at my coursework. Check. Check.
One of my goals is to lose weight. Not just some weight, but to reduce considerably in size. One doctor said it wouldn't have much of an effect on the fibromyalgia, but I don't believe it. It seems as if anything that makes movement more difficult puts more strain on joints, muscles and ligaments, so anything you do to reduce that should help. I used to think that there was something wrong about surgical options, but I keep thinking about the scripture that says if your eye offends you pluck it out. I read that as "do whatever it takes to avoid sin." If you cannot control your eating habits on your own, and surgery is a viable alternative, go for it. I'm not there yet, but the whole food control is barely working. Just like the doctor said, it is nearly impossible.
Another goal is to finish the Timmy book. Unfortunately what I've written lately isn't sequential, so it doesn't fit online very well. I need to continue the story from the last point and post what I have missed. I really need to settle down and do this. I'm going to have to schedule this in, because it's too easy to let time go by.
Another goal, and the one that should be top priority is more time reading the Bible. More time in the Word. I do this, but in all honesty, not as much as I should. Why not? I think in part because it is a reminder of how far short of the mark I am. Am I gentle? Am I kind? Am I merciful? Do I visit the sick, the prisoner, the widow? Do I love God with my whole heart? Yet how will I change and become the person I want to be but am afraid to become? Only through the word. Reading it, meditating on it, putting it into practice. How else? Don't know.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I'm In Stitches
It's 2:22 am and I can't sleep. It has been a very long day, beginning with the first alarm at 5:30 am. A few hits on the snooze button later and I got up. I had a little more than half an hour to get ready for school, but it was enough, as I merely had to iron, get dressed and grab a breakfast drink. That is, until I realized that I hadn't printed out the paper I wrote the night before.
My laptop began having trouble. It is a recurrance of short in the power connection and I couldn't get the thing to stay on long enough to log on. I finally got that working only to find that my network wasn't working. Rather than work on that I quickly hooked up the spare printer with the USB connection.
This delay made me about 10 or 15 minutes late. Arrgh! First class. Second class. Then wait until office hours at 11:00 am to discuss arrangements for a test with enlarged print as my eyes are so bad right now. Then rushed off to a meeting to work on music for the upcoming women's retreat. Missed a turn and decided to go a different way and took a wrong turn there. Late for this appointment. It went well and I got a real treat watching six deer and one tiny rabbit in the back yard, not ten yards from the patio door.
Had a nice lunch with Ellen, complete with homemade applesauce. Really good! Then realized I was late for my next appointment, so I called the coffee shop where I was to meet Jennifer to ask them to let her know I hadn't ditched her. I showed up, she wasn't there. I waited, then decided that I had the time wrong. I waited for the next half hour point to pass, then the next and then the next, taking the time to write some more Timmy story.
Then off to school for a 5:15 pm viewing of my first speech. The speech itself was not bad, but I look like the before picture for an advertisement for gastric bypass surgery. Awful!
Then home for a bowl of baked potato soup and taking care of the dog. 7:00 pm Bible study with Judy. It was really good to catch up with her and talk about some stuff I've been going through. When I got home I took a quick minute to check email and there was one from Jennifer confirming our appointment on Wednesday(!).
At about 10, I decided to light the candles on the mantle and sit and watch some TV. At about 10:45 pm, I stood on the raised hearth to blow out the candles. After doing so, I stepped backward off the hearth and cut my foot on a 3-hole punch Steve left on the floor when he was doing some paperwork. (He's sure the dog moved it there. :-)) It bled a bit and I managed to get upstairs to clean it up and bandage it. Upon inspection, I decided it looked pretty bad and called Mom (my friendly local EMT) for a second opinion. She looked at it and took me to the ER where they shot me full of numbing agent before scrubbing the wound and putting in six stitches. They followed that with antibiotic lotion, bandages and a nifty, hot pink wrap.
The anesthetic is wearing off and it is throbbing like crazy. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep. Oh man. This is what happens when you hit the snooze button!
My laptop began having trouble. It is a recurrance of short in the power connection and I couldn't get the thing to stay on long enough to log on. I finally got that working only to find that my network wasn't working. Rather than work on that I quickly hooked up the spare printer with the USB connection.
This delay made me about 10 or 15 minutes late. Arrgh! First class. Second class. Then wait until office hours at 11:00 am to discuss arrangements for a test with enlarged print as my eyes are so bad right now. Then rushed off to a meeting to work on music for the upcoming women's retreat. Missed a turn and decided to go a different way and took a wrong turn there. Late for this appointment. It went well and I got a real treat watching six deer and one tiny rabbit in the back yard, not ten yards from the patio door.
Had a nice lunch with Ellen, complete with homemade applesauce. Really good! Then realized I was late for my next appointment, so I called the coffee shop where I was to meet Jennifer to ask them to let her know I hadn't ditched her. I showed up, she wasn't there. I waited, then decided that I had the time wrong. I waited for the next half hour point to pass, then the next and then the next, taking the time to write some more Timmy story.
Then off to school for a 5:15 pm viewing of my first speech. The speech itself was not bad, but I look like the before picture for an advertisement for gastric bypass surgery. Awful!
Then home for a bowl of baked potato soup and taking care of the dog. 7:00 pm Bible study with Judy. It was really good to catch up with her and talk about some stuff I've been going through. When I got home I took a quick minute to check email and there was one from Jennifer confirming our appointment on Wednesday(!).
At about 10, I decided to light the candles on the mantle and sit and watch some TV. At about 10:45 pm, I stood on the raised hearth to blow out the candles. After doing so, I stepped backward off the hearth and cut my foot on a 3-hole punch Steve left on the floor when he was doing some paperwork. (He's sure the dog moved it there. :-)) It bled a bit and I managed to get upstairs to clean it up and bandage it. Upon inspection, I decided it looked pretty bad and called Mom (my friendly local EMT) for a second opinion. She looked at it and took me to the ER where they shot me full of numbing agent before scrubbing the wound and putting in six stitches. They followed that with antibiotic lotion, bandages and a nifty, hot pink wrap.
The anesthetic is wearing off and it is throbbing like crazy. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep. Oh man. This is what happens when you hit the snooze button!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Peaches cooking on the stove...
Got peaches cooking on the stove, the beagle's asleep on some towels by my feet, a depressing western movie on the TV, and a terrific headache. About this time of year there is a particular weed, whose name and description I don't know, but whose smell I am quite familiar with, which gives me terrible congestion. Even with Claritin D, my head is so stuffed up I can barely stand it.
We had a nice surprise this weekend. Alex came home yesterday afternoon and stayed overnight. He headed back to Golden a couple of hours ago, but we got to take him out for a birthday lunch, a birthday movie and got him a "leather" jacket to wear riding his motorcycle. It was real pleasant. He got my chainsaw working, though it still doesn't work well. Now I can cut down the branches that need to go.
Still nauseous after a week and a half. Terrific. Can't quite figure out what that is all about. I assume it is something emotional, a response to stress or something. So I am adding some extra excersize to my schedule. I am assuming that even walking an extra block or two should do it. It can't hurt.
Tomorrow I have to do my Logic assignment. Hopefully I can find my notes, but even if I don't if shouldn't take too much time to find more flaws in logic during news-type television programs.
Well, I've been thinking about a few things lately. One, I have been wondering why we do such incredibly stupid things to mess up our lives. Observation leads me to believe that some people allow themselves to be ruled by their momentary desires and not think long-term. Also we have a bizarre expectation that we should not be unhappy--ever. How incredibly silly and vapid. How ignorant of the ways of the world both historically and in most of the world right now. We would be happier in general if we accepted suffering and disappointment as normal and not the extraordinary. Accepting that my life will have bumps and bruises and expecting that means that I am not so easily thrown by them. Accepting that my husband isn't perfect and cannot "make me happy" paradoxically makes me happier. It is the strange expectation that my husband will do all the little and big things that make me feel loved, in exactly the right way and in the right time and that he will never take his moods or problems out on me that make a person miserable. If I trust that a flawed person that loves me might say an unkind thoughtless thing on occasion or may not understand the things that drive me nuts makes it easier to love that person and deal with the inevitable disappointments.
We had a nice surprise this weekend. Alex came home yesterday afternoon and stayed overnight. He headed back to Golden a couple of hours ago, but we got to take him out for a birthday lunch, a birthday movie and got him a "leather" jacket to wear riding his motorcycle. It was real pleasant. He got my chainsaw working, though it still doesn't work well. Now I can cut down the branches that need to go.
Still nauseous after a week and a half. Terrific. Can't quite figure out what that is all about. I assume it is something emotional, a response to stress or something. So I am adding some extra excersize to my schedule. I am assuming that even walking an extra block or two should do it. It can't hurt.
Tomorrow I have to do my Logic assignment. Hopefully I can find my notes, but even if I don't if shouldn't take too much time to find more flaws in logic during news-type television programs.
Well, I've been thinking about a few things lately. One, I have been wondering why we do such incredibly stupid things to mess up our lives. Observation leads me to believe that some people allow themselves to be ruled by their momentary desires and not think long-term. Also we have a bizarre expectation that we should not be unhappy--ever. How incredibly silly and vapid. How ignorant of the ways of the world both historically and in most of the world right now. We would be happier in general if we accepted suffering and disappointment as normal and not the extraordinary. Accepting that my life will have bumps and bruises and expecting that means that I am not so easily thrown by them. Accepting that my husband isn't perfect and cannot "make me happy" paradoxically makes me happier. It is the strange expectation that my husband will do all the little and big things that make me feel loved, in exactly the right way and in the right time and that he will never take his moods or problems out on me that make a person miserable. If I trust that a flawed person that loves me might say an unkind thoughtless thing on occasion or may not understand the things that drive me nuts makes it easier to love that person and deal with the inevitable disappointments.
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