Thursday, February 12, 2009
Chronic Pain
I have occasion to think about what it means to live with pain. I really think that if someone told me that I was going to die soon that I would be okay with that. I don't want to die, but I would be okay with it. I'm not afraid. I would regret things I haven't done or completed, but I'm okay with it. Some who have had that cancer diagnosis say you do not know until you hear those words, but I truly believe that for me, knowing that my family was hurting would be the worst, followed by any treatment. A death sentence is not my big fear.
My big fear is when they say, "hey, there is no cure. Sorry you hurt. Get used to it." And this is what has happened. I have always expected a cure. I didn't really admit it to myself and certainly never to others, but I expected it. I never even knew how much I expected it until I said to the doctor, "you mean I'm screwed" and he just looked at me. No laugh, no disagreement, merely silence.
I am staring at the lab reports trying to understand them. I don't understand them. The lab report says that any reading over 120 for the EBV Ab VCA, IgG is positive. Mine is 2389. Somewhat higher. If I understood the doctor correctly this means that I have chronic Epstein Barr. Epstein Barr does not go away, though it can go up and down. This cannot be eliminated from your system. This has been linked with the chronic pain and fatigue that I have been dealing with for 17 years. Also I am rating positive for a chronic Chlamydia pneumoniae (this is not the STD, but a very tricky bacteria). This apparently changes form and hides within the body, attacking nerves, and is linked to....chronic pain and fatigue syndromes, asthma and arthritis, among other things.
As I struggle to discern truth from fiction (the web is a tricky place filled with lies and falsehood along with great information)I am struggling to regain my fighting spirit. I have fought for years against disability, against depression, against giving in to this! With his words, my fight went on vacation and didn't take me along.
I don't know what other people's greatest fears are, but I have learned one of my own. To know that the future stretches out ahead of me and that years of pain and fatigue await me requires courage that I do not have in me. I am afraid. But as George R. R. Martin says in "A Game of Thrones":
I may not have enough courage to face this on my own, but what I do have is the surety that I don't have to. At this moment I cast this on my Savior, for he cares for me. He cares for me and that is beyond expression. That gives me courage.
My big fear is when they say, "hey, there is no cure. Sorry you hurt. Get used to it." And this is what has happened. I have always expected a cure. I didn't really admit it to myself and certainly never to others, but I expected it. I never even knew how much I expected it until I said to the doctor, "you mean I'm screwed" and he just looked at me. No laugh, no disagreement, merely silence.
I am staring at the lab reports trying to understand them. I don't understand them. The lab report says that any reading over 120 for the EBV Ab VCA, IgG is positive. Mine is 2389. Somewhat higher. If I understood the doctor correctly this means that I have chronic Epstein Barr. Epstein Barr does not go away, though it can go up and down. This cannot be eliminated from your system. This has been linked with the chronic pain and fatigue that I have been dealing with for 17 years. Also I am rating positive for a chronic Chlamydia pneumoniae (this is not the STD, but a very tricky bacteria). This apparently changes form and hides within the body, attacking nerves, and is linked to....chronic pain and fatigue syndromes, asthma and arthritis, among other things.
As I struggle to discern truth from fiction (the web is a tricky place filled with lies and falsehood along with great information)I am struggling to regain my fighting spirit. I have fought for years against disability, against depression, against giving in to this! With his words, my fight went on vacation and didn't take me along.
I don't know what other people's greatest fears are, but I have learned one of my own. To know that the future stretches out ahead of me and that years of pain and fatigue await me requires courage that I do not have in me. I am afraid. But as George R. R. Martin says in "A Game of Thrones":
"Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?"
"That is the only time a man can be brave"
I may not have enough courage to face this on my own, but what I do have is the surety that I don't have to. At this moment I cast this on my Savior, for he cares for me. He cares for me and that is beyond expression. That gives me courage.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A person without a country...
Okay, that's an exaggeration, but I am feeling bereft today. I went to Robb's to pick up some things he said he wanted me to have. I knew it would be hard for me to be at his house without him there, but the minute I got into the car to go there I started crying. I steeled myself to go, kicking myself for being a coward and not going while he was still living.
I know we all process our grief in different ways, but I am baffled and angry that no one seems to be taking his death as hard as I am. Everyone is disgustingly cheerful. Oh, I have moments where I allow myself the respite of forgetting, and in those times I am able to act normal, but is there no grief in some of these people? Or is it that many of his friends are older and their experiences with death has numbed or calloused them? I don't know, but I am raw with grief. I wanted to call and ask Robb a question this morning, but there is no one on the other end of the phone.
I sat at his table which had pictures from nearly 30 years ago, with Rob sporting dark hair and beard, and those 70's style glasses that were dark tinted, graduating to clear on the bottom. It brought back memories, hints of fleeting thoughts of times and years gone by. He will never maneuver through the piles of stuff in that house again. At some time I will drive by that house and there will be another family living there. They won't have the piles, they won't have the crowded surfaces, they won't have a full garage, crowded sheds, etc. The lilac will bloom for someone else. It will be a stranger's home, and bit by bit I will have to come to terms with the fact that he is gone.
But for now, I can't get in the car without breaking down crying. There is nowhere that my grief feels understood. Even at Rob's the executor who was a friend for 20 years, shows no signs of grief. The relentless cheer is hard for me to take.
I thought that if there were one place where my grief would be understood, it would be there. Where is the land where this grief is understood and shared?
I know we all process our grief in different ways, but I am baffled and angry that no one seems to be taking his death as hard as I am. Everyone is disgustingly cheerful. Oh, I have moments where I allow myself the respite of forgetting, and in those times I am able to act normal, but is there no grief in some of these people? Or is it that many of his friends are older and their experiences with death has numbed or calloused them? I don't know, but I am raw with grief. I wanted to call and ask Robb a question this morning, but there is no one on the other end of the phone.
I sat at his table which had pictures from nearly 30 years ago, with Rob sporting dark hair and beard, and those 70's style glasses that were dark tinted, graduating to clear on the bottom. It brought back memories, hints of fleeting thoughts of times and years gone by. He will never maneuver through the piles of stuff in that house again. At some time I will drive by that house and there will be another family living there. They won't have the piles, they won't have the crowded surfaces, they won't have a full garage, crowded sheds, etc. The lilac will bloom for someone else. It will be a stranger's home, and bit by bit I will have to come to terms with the fact that he is gone.
But for now, I can't get in the car without breaking down crying. There is nowhere that my grief feels understood. Even at Rob's the executor who was a friend for 20 years, shows no signs of grief. The relentless cheer is hard for me to take.
I thought that if there were one place where my grief would be understood, it would be there. Where is the land where this grief is understood and shared?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
No friends found
I've spent some time today on Facebook, looking up old friends. Several times, upon coming on a person without a picture, but the right name, I would click on the "view friends" to see if the person's friends were either people I knew or were at least from the right part of the country, where other information is lacking.
Several times I came upon the disturbing notice: "John Doe has no friends." "Belinda X. has no friends." Now I understand what they are trying to say, but it got me to thinking about what it would be like to truly have no friends. Who are the people who have no friends? What is their life like? What would make a person have no friends? What in a person's past would damage them to the point where they simply did not reach out and have friends?
How do you go about befriending a person with no friends? How do you indentify such a fragile soul?
Such a stark statement. Put your own name in the statement. _________ has no friends. Imagine what it would take for you to quit trying, to refuse friendly overatures, to withdraw so completely into yourself that you truly would not have a friend in the world. Who would you have to alienate? What friend would be persistant and what would you do to totally end their gestures of friendship?
Several times I came upon the disturbing notice: "John Doe has no friends." "Belinda X. has no friends." Now I understand what they are trying to say, but it got me to thinking about what it would be like to truly have no friends. Who are the people who have no friends? What is their life like? What would make a person have no friends? What in a person's past would damage them to the point where they simply did not reach out and have friends?
How do you go about befriending a person with no friends? How do you indentify such a fragile soul?
Such a stark statement. Put your own name in the statement. _________ has no friends. Imagine what it would take for you to quit trying, to refuse friendly overatures, to withdraw so completely into yourself that you truly would not have a friend in the world. Who would you have to alienate? What friend would be persistant and what would you do to totally end their gestures of friendship?
So Great A Cloud of Witnesses
Sitting in the sanctuary, the cellist and violinist played old hymns. As I listened, I heard him singing. I remembered riding in the car while he played gospel quartets and sang along. He had a very nice rich baritone and he didn't hold back when he sang. I couldn't help crying as I remembered. Every song I had heard him sing.
I wonder now as I never have before, if Rob is one of those in the "great cloud" who is watching and cheering me on. I don't really understand it, but Paul wrote about it. I've thought about the great saints of the Bible, but for the first time I think there is someone there with particular affection for me who is cheering me on. It is a strange but comforting thought.
Hearing the music though, that reminds me of the sadness of missing him day by day. I can hardly stand not being able to talk with him.
I wonder now as I never have before, if Rob is one of those in the "great cloud" who is watching and cheering me on. I don't really understand it, but Paul wrote about it. I've thought about the great saints of the Bible, but for the first time I think there is someone there with particular affection for me who is cheering me on. It is a strange but comforting thought.
Hearing the music though, that reminds me of the sadness of missing him day by day. I can hardly stand not being able to talk with him.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Unemployment Woes
In the past it was my role to be encouraging to those seeking employment. I attempted to do so with caring and genuine concern for their plight. I didn't have a real understanding of the feeling that comes from day by day by day looking for work and hearing nothing. Or, worse, finding out that many of the jobs you apply for aren't real jobs, but are simply to entice you onto yet another job board, or are "opportunities" for work at home.
I am naturally an optimistic person, but I get a bit down at times. The process is depressing, and if you aren't careful, could really destroy a person.
Some people do not understand. The assumption is that we can live off our savings. What savings? We have been pulling out of the pit left by a failed business. The loss of both our jobs came as we were getting ready to try to build up our savings again, well...the timing isn't ideal.
While I don't think it is a time for rash decisions, it is a good time to be thinking through goals and direction for the future. Is is enough to simply take a menial job that does not have anything to do with what I want to be doing in my life? How do these decisions get made? What is valued in life? What does God want for me to do?
When tempted to be afraid, that must be set aside, or overcome for fear does not lead to wise and sober decisions, nor is it good for the body or the mind.
Ah, some days I ramble. What did Moses do? He followed the direction of God each day. It doesn't appear to me that he knew other than great generalities what God was doing. He had great promises, but did he understand how each day added up to the fulfillment of those promises? He had been used mightily by God but it seems to me he would not have understood the daily direction. He would have been discouraged many times as they wandered. He had 2 million people whining, complaining, and wanting what they used to have. Forgetting the worst of it, they only remembered the good things. (For them the good things were leeks and onions. To each his own.)
I need to learn the lesson here. Do not hunger and thirst for the things that are past. The longing for them only hides the reality of what was. The memories are selective, it seems. I need to appreciate the gifts of today, the manna as it were. God goes before me, even though I don't have a visible representation of that. He provides for me, though in a different way than in the past.
Oh, I'm no Moses, but I certainly wish I were more like him. I would like to be the kind of person that stands for God and his truth even when all around fall away. I would love to be the kind of person who spends time in such complete devotion. Moses spent 40 days without food or drink, fasting, praying and spending time with God. Would that I were as devoted and as close. I fall so short.
I am naturally an optimistic person, but I get a bit down at times. The process is depressing, and if you aren't careful, could really destroy a person.
Some people do not understand. The assumption is that we can live off our savings. What savings? We have been pulling out of the pit left by a failed business. The loss of both our jobs came as we were getting ready to try to build up our savings again, well...the timing isn't ideal.
While I don't think it is a time for rash decisions, it is a good time to be thinking through goals and direction for the future. Is is enough to simply take a menial job that does not have anything to do with what I want to be doing in my life? How do these decisions get made? What is valued in life? What does God want for me to do?
When tempted to be afraid, that must be set aside, or overcome for fear does not lead to wise and sober decisions, nor is it good for the body or the mind.
Ah, some days I ramble. What did Moses do? He followed the direction of God each day. It doesn't appear to me that he knew other than great generalities what God was doing. He had great promises, but did he understand how each day added up to the fulfillment of those promises? He had been used mightily by God but it seems to me he would not have understood the daily direction. He would have been discouraged many times as they wandered. He had 2 million people whining, complaining, and wanting what they used to have. Forgetting the worst of it, they only remembered the good things. (For them the good things were leeks and onions. To each his own.)
I need to learn the lesson here. Do not hunger and thirst for the things that are past. The longing for them only hides the reality of what was. The memories are selective, it seems. I need to appreciate the gifts of today, the manna as it were. God goes before me, even though I don't have a visible representation of that. He provides for me, though in a different way than in the past.
Oh, I'm no Moses, but I certainly wish I were more like him. I would like to be the kind of person that stands for God and his truth even when all around fall away. I would love to be the kind of person who spends time in such complete devotion. Moses spent 40 days without food or drink, fasting, praying and spending time with God. Would that I were as devoted and as close. I fall so short.
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