Anticipation

Some of you may be puzzled as to why I haven't written much lately. Well, my system has decided that my stress would reside in my gut. For a while now I have been plagued by intermittent nausea and stomach aches, but for the past few weeks it has been virtually non-stop, with the notable exception of a really terrific lunch at my friend Evelyn's house where I surprised myself by being able to eat roast beef with carrots and potatoes. I even had a second helping! Amen!

The upside of this has been that I've lost around 20 pounds.

The downside is that I've really felt awful and not known why. It became clear to me recently that the business struggles and the financial fallout are the source of my stomach problems, and so I'm working toward stress reduction. It's kind of embarrassing for me to admit that I'm struggling in this way. Do I trust God? Yes I do, but it's not a simple trust. It is hard-fought. I struggle to trust, even when I believe in my head that God is faithful and believe what the Bible says, I am aware that we must endure hardship. Endure, not enjoy.

Hebrews 12: 2 says: Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I have been looking to live in perpetual joy. Joy in the midst of troubles, in the midst of bad news, in the midst of pain...but Christ himself for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame. The joy was in the future. It was anticipated, not experienced in the moment. He endured. He despised. And so, in the midst of despising the shame, I can endure, looking forward to promised joy.

This is a real gift to me, to see this for the first time. The joy does not have to be in this present moment, but we can endure, knowing that joy is anticipated. I am anticipating joy. That anticipation has brought peace.

Books As A Delight

A quote from the book by the same title, first published in 1921, written by William A. Quayle.

Books as a delight! Things that woo you and lure you. If anybody can get a book in his hand that does not appertain to his business, that is worth while. The love of a book because it is a book, and the holding of a book in the hand to warm the hand instead of putting the hand to the fire; a going around where books beautiful are, just the loving a book, not because it is of any use or because it has any bearing on our business, nor because we should be informed by it, nor reformed by it, nor deformed by it, but because it touches our life, and so we might be other than we are.

From Grime to Green

Just a few weeks ago I was on the road to Longmont, and the next day to Wellington (just past Fort Collins). For anyone who doesn't know, Wellington is about 140 miles each way--that's a lot of highway for one day. The entire world seemed the color of sludge--a blackish, graying brown. The sides of the roads, the medians...well, even the highway signs were all the same color, thanks to a coating that could only come from the gravel and salt mix the highway and street departments have been using to cover the roads to make them passable this very snowy icy winter. Even piles of snow left here and there are barely recognizable with their top layer being black. It was a truly depressing world. Everything, even the cars on the roads were all muted by this same dirty film.

Then came the rain. Oh, was I in heaven. Real rain. The colors have begun to return. My lawn is greening up, tulips are poking their heads out of the soil and the grime is beginning to disappear from the roadsides and medians. Even our cars seem to be losing their coating as more and more of us run through the carwashes, wanting to believe that this long winter is over.

Color and brightness have returned. It's strange for me to have such a keen appreciation for spring, for I love winter and snow, but I hate the grime. Spring does cheer me up as I see which of my plants have decided to return, and I long to plant more. With the spring is a burst of pollen which clogs me up on the inside as all the road crews sand mix does to the outside during winter. I feel full of sludge. This year I'm fighting back with Claritin, Sudafed and Mucinex. Between the three I feel nearly human.

I couldn't help myself the other day, and went around to my planter beds and spread bags of 50/50 mix to feed the soil. I also spread handfuls under each of the bushes and flowers I planted on the perimiters, as well as a bit for my poor cherry tree.

I bought one of those small indoor greenhouses with 32 peat pellets inside that expand with water and allow you the perfect spot to germinate seed for later planting in the garden. Tomatoes (two kinds), broccoli, green onions, and lavendar are sitting on a bench in the dining room. The broccoli and green onions are the first to sprout, peeking up within just days.

I need to build a bed in the back for a vegetable garden. Perhaps this year I will go and dig up goat manure for the garden.

I went to pick up scrap wood for firewood the other day and part of it was a beautiful but slightly broken crib. The two sides are perfect for trellises for clematis or morning glory, and I plan to plant the one good end in the back for shoring up...well, I haven't decided yet, but isn't that part of the fun? Slowly...oh, so slowly the yard will become what I had hoped for. I want two more raised beds in the side yard and one large vegetable garden in the back, with who knows what growing around the edges. Fences aren't that attractive to look at when you could plant espalleired apple trees or grapevines along them. The fence becomes the canvas for your imagination to paint with life!

Will this be the year I get the pond in? Who knows. Perhaps I can figure it out once we are out of this terrible financial crisis. Maybe this year I will find a few outdoor seats to spread throughout the yard to enjoy the parklike atmosphere I am trying to create. I'm looking forward to the raspberries, red and black, taking off and perhaps starting some grapes and french lilacs. We'll see.

I can't wait to get my zinnia seed in the ground and perhaps finding some more perinnial or self-seeding flowers to fill up my beds. I love to bring fresh-from-my-garden bouquets to bring when a guest for dinner or when visiting the sick or infirm. It lightens my heart to see it. I also love to tuck in a freshly cut bloom in the ribbon of a gift for a shower or birthday party I'm attending.

What do you like to do in spring?

Righteous Indignation...Anger...Rage

I have been thinking about what happens when we of the church turn on our own. I have been thinking about it because I've seen it happen, been the victim of it and have a dear friend who has been abused by the self-righteous, holier-than-thou, so-called Christians in the name of righteousness, and in the name of Christ.

I was with a group of churchwomen eating at a local pizza restaurant. An extremely obese woman came in and sat down with her food. One of the ladies looked at her in disgust and with disdain dripping from her voice said, "How can she eat in public when she looks like that?" The lady was eating a very modest size meal, but that wasn't the point. To me, the point was how dare we look down our snooty noses at this woman whom Jesus loves? With great restraint and by the grace of God I controlled myself to say only, "some of us wear our sins on the outside, and some of our sins are hidden."

To these people who have called my friend and spewed acidic hate through the phone in the name of righteousness, I want to take them before the church and publicly call them to task for their hateful, ungodly, unbiblical behavior. My friend was told that God had withdrawn his blessing forever from my friend's life and the life of my friend's family because of a momentary sin. I want to rip them limb from limb! I am so incredibly angry, and yet...Jesus loves them too. Oh, I don't believe he would let this go, he seemed to have a record of chastising the self-righteous and moneychangers.

Others have been cruel to my friend's children because of my friend's one-time, repented of, covered by the blood of Jesus, 100% forgiven sin. Vicious vile people. when someone repents aren't we supposed to restore them so that they don't lose heart? I know that is completely scriptural. We are told to bear each other's burdens, and that love covers sin. I believe that means we don't expose someone to public shame unless biblical, private discipline yields no results.

So because I was not part of the conversations and have no first-hand knowledge (though I know the players well enough to know that the story is true), I must then tell you to watch yourself in your tendency toward self-righteousness. We all have that. We must go first to the sinner to deal privately. We must protect the reputation of our brothers and our sisters. We must not gossip. We must avoid the temptation to elevate ourselves by degrading our brothers and sisters in the name of truth. If we do not act in love and kindness toward our brothers and sisters when they sin, why should we be treated with love and kindness when we sin?

Think of it this way...

How would you like your private sins made public? How would you like the entire church to stand in judgement of the sins that beset you? What if it's gossip? What if it's lust? What if its jealousy? What if its pride? What if every ugly moment that you are ashamed of were displayed in a video on Sunday morning? Do you think those are any smaller or less shameful than theft or immorality or drunkenness? Do you really? What if you not only had to go to the foot of the cross and accept grace but you also had to pass muster with all the church people YOU know? What if your forgiveness were truly dependent on the sniveling, rude, unlovely group that composes a great part of the church?

What part of the church do you want to be in? Do you want to mimic Christ in his forgiveness, his grace and his mercy? Do you want to cover the sins of your brother/sister? Or do you really want to stand in judgement over your brother?

Oh please...let us not beat up our brother, our sister. Let us lift them when they are down, put an arm around them and carry them when they are weak. And as angry and enraged as I have been to see the hands and feet of Christ sullied in this way, I do appreciate the soapbox which has allowed me to get this out. I beg of you, let the church show the mercy of Christ to each other.

You're Beautiful

After a trip to pick up firewood, I decided to treat myself to Starbucks. With help I managed to fill up the truck, tie it down and drive it on home. If you don't have FM, sciatica and arthritis, you may not know what a feat this was. I was feeling pleased and that kind of delicious tiredness that comes with pushing oneself to accomplish a physical task.

I pulled into the drive through at my local Starbucks (why haven't they called me for an interview yet?) the cheerful male voice called out, "How are you today, beautiful?"

"Fine. How are you?"

"Great. What can I get for you this Valentine's Day?"

Gotta say, that even though I am not one who meets the standard of beauty, and though I knew who it must have been calling out through the speaker (turns out they have this tiny camera so they can see you, but you cannot see them), and though I know this guy is harmlessly flirting, and is young enough to be my son (gasp!) it still made me feel good. It's been a very long time since anyone called me beautiful. Kind of brings tears to my eyes to think about it.

I don't expect those kind of compliments, truly I don't. It sure feels good to hear, even if it's not true.

Made me remember an episode of "Cheers" from way back. Coach's daughter was really frustrated with her dad cause he called her beautiful. "Don't you see me dad?" She didn't want him to patronize her. "Look at me!" she insisted. He looked at her and in a choked voice he said, "You look just like your mother." It was clear from what followed that he had thought his wife was beautiful, and in doing so you realized that his daughter now realized that he was speaking the truth as he saw it. He truly saw her as beautiful.

When I think about it I know many women who look all different ways, ultra-thin, voluptuous, dark-straight hair, short frizzy hair, freckles, big lips, thin lips...oh I could go on, but you know what I mean. Think of the women you know and how their beauty is so different from one to the next. From the wholesome outdoor girl to the pale, wan, ethereal type, each has their own beauty. Perhaps that is the lesson I need to internalize today. Perhaps I am holding myself to a standard which I don't apply to anyone else. Perhaps others see me the way I see them, as having a unique attraction. I don't expect everyone to look alike, merely to be the best individual they are...and in the end, I think I really look for the heart that shines out. Are they compassionate? Loving? Kind? Funny? Merciful? Just? True? Do they face life with courage? I have some friends I would find impossible to describe physically because I see such joy and courage in their faces that that is the beauty I see when I think of them. Their internals shine on the outside.

Oh, that is the beauty to which I aspire. What matters it whether I have perfect skin, flawless body, shiny gorgeous hair, perfectly straight teeth? what does it matter that my eyes don't work together? One day, given enough years, we will all have matching sets of wrinkled skin and gray hair. May the lines on my face be that of smiles and joy rather than the frown of depression. May my eyes shine with love and compassion.

Living in a Snowglobe

Well it's snowing again. This has been the most amazing winter so far. Snow, snow and more snow. It's finally melted in large part from the first blizzard on December 21st. Now the snow isn't accumulating, just floating to the ground lightly in fat, fluffy flakes as if the world outside my window was one of those snowglobes I collect.

People who aren't from Colorado often think we have winters of non-stop snow, mistaking the ski slopes and mountain areas with the entire state. The largest population centers are located just East of the mountain range and here, the snowfall is somewhat different.

Typically, we will have snow followed by a few temperate days during which the accumulated snow melts. Any snow we get usually goes away quickly and there is never enough of it for me. I am delighted by the snow, but unfortunately, the icy sidewalks (many people have never cleared their walks) make it difficult to walk through the neighborhood, and I have had an attack of FM and sciatica keeping me indoors more than I would prefer. I love the crisp air and the cold on my face. I love playing in the snow!

There was a story on the news tonight about people who get the winter blues. They typically do this story every winter. Even though the cold makes my joints ache and my arthritis a bit worse, I can't understand getting down in the dumps when the skies are overcast and there is snow on the ground.

When the leaves have fallen off the trees I can see Pikes Peak from my deck. I've prayed that some natural occurance would cause the top 20 or 30 feet to fall off their trees so that I could see the mountain year round, but that hasn't happened. But when fall causes the leaves to jump to their deaths, I get to see the glorious mountain.

Now, the mountain, the city lights, my fabulous trees are all seen through the gentle snowfall. I love snowglobes.

Pet Food Peeve

Moments ago another dog food commercial came on noting with pride the inclusion of "carrots and peas". I have seen ingredients such as rice and wheat announced as if this is the greatest thing. Bowls that look as if they came from a 4-star restaurant are pile high with gleaming mounds of gravy coated beef surrounded by perfectly cut carrots and peas next to a bed of rice with each glistening grain exactly the same size, color and texture as the next.

My question is: when was the last time you had a problem keeping your dog out of the carrot patch? When does a wild dog devour a garden full of peas?

Dog food is sold to the taste of humans, not dogs. I know I'm not the first one to note that, but it bears repeating. When I watch dog food commercials I am reminded that my dogs eat their own vomit and will eat any rotten piece of flesh they can find. They will eat vegetables but only if they were first served up to humans. Why should I pay a fortune for the bliss of serving them a vegetable stew?

I base my selection of dog food on three things: the recommendation of the vet who first saw my dogs, any research (claimed or documented, I don't look into it that thoroughly) that the food is good for their coat and skin, and price. At a certain price point the dogs can have kibble from the dollar store. Anyway, I serve mine Pedigree, purchased usually from Sam's Club in the 50 pound bags. I have no idea what the ads say. I can't figure out when they are considered "older" or "mature" dogs, but as near as I can figure out, the youngest is 9 1/2 and the older one 11, which seems to be a decent age for a dog, so I probably will soon switch to the mature formula.

Anyway, I guess my point, if there is one, is that dogs should eat food that more closely resembles what they would eat naturally, though I would not serve them live squirrels, small birds, and generally yell at them if they attempt to ingest anything that was once inside their own bodies. However, kibble made with lots of meat protein and some greens (they do like to munch on grass, I call them my little cows) works for me. It semi-approximates their natural diet.

Now that I say that, I must confess that I don't use the same standard for myself, though I should. Unless I can find the Potassium Benzoate tree or the Acesulfame Potassium bush I should probably not drink the Diet Coke that has been keeping me up at night.

I gotta wonder how many nasty little chemicals are hidden in the food I eat.