meltdown

I had a meltdown of sorts the past several days. I really struggle with losing my job, even though I know this is guided by and instituted by God. I also have been struggling with Steve being sent to Las Vegas to work, and feeling very alone.

The worship team has a new leader. He is terrific, but the transition is always difficult for me. Will I be obsolete? Am I too old? I know Miriam led worship when she was quite old (was she ninety something?) but the modern church does not want to use a woman in that capacity at any advanced age. At a certain point I will simply be eased out as being too ancient. Each time there is this transition I go through the same wondering. Each time as the schedule changes and I find myself being used only occasionally, I wonder if this isn't it.

Each time there is a struggle inside about whether God finds me of little use anymore. I like to lead, but I am always willing to follow, and to take whatever place is asked of me. If it is to sing backup, fine. What is not fine is to be shelved. Each time this happens I go through a time of sorting through with God that it is His right to determine when and where and how I am used. So I must not think too highly of myself, but remember that I am a tool in the hand of my God.

I am a tool in the hand of my God altogether. Whether in the worship team, in work, at home, or in any other area of life. I would love to say that I never fight his will for me, but sometimes his will is hard for me. I forget or have a hard time seeing his love and his good plan in the midst of some of the difficulties of life. When I see what seems likely to happen, I sometimes ask why or how am I supposed to do this? I do want God's will, but the adventure of living in his will, sometimes the adventure is a dirty, nasty uncomfortable thing. I want it to be exciting AND safe. It's a silly idea. Nothing truly exciting and good is safe. Nothing that is truly ennobling and worthwhile is easy.