Wednesday, October 29, 2008


The subject of humility or of being humbled has come up a lot over the past two days. There are many ways in which we face being humbled or have to lose some dignity or pride. For me, I am humbled every time we go through changes in the worship team (see previous posts) and am reminded that this is not a place where I can have ego and hurt feelings. I am humbled when I limp in the door. For some reason I feel shame and embarrassment when I have trouble walking. I was ready to push Alyssa out of her wheelchair the other day and use it to get to the car.

It is humbling for me to use my dark glasses when I sing. They make me look different than everyone else and draw attention to the fact that I am not like other people.

Being a woman brings a lot of times when your dignity is stripped away. (OB-GYN appts. of any kind, childbirth, buying the warehouse size box of super-plus Tampax from the cute checkout guy....) But men have these humbling times too. First they are too young to be respected, then for a moment they have the respect of their peers, but it passes as the grey hairs appear and more scalp appears, and suddenly they are perceived to be too old to know what they are talking about.

Suddenly we find ourselves faced with bosses who are a decade or more younger than us, doctors who are our children's age, and a body that does not keep up with the mind. My face has betrayed me in the mirror. That person is mature when I feel like a kid. If I get "ma'am"-ed one more time.....

But in all kinds of ways we are humbled. If we don't humble ourselves it will be done for us. I found myself thinking about a co-worker one day as I was heading down my back stairs. Boy is she stupid, falling down the stairs. No sooner were the thoughts in my mind than I fell headfirst, hurting my arm, twisting my ankle and being put in a sling for a couple of weeks.

But where people are bent on putting me in my place, I sometimes forget my REAL place. I am the child of the king of the universe, the author and creator, the great I AM. I am forgiven, I am chosen. If our worth is determined by how much someone is willing to pay for us, then I am amazed to discover that the Creator, the I AM gave all for me. For me. Although I have no intrinsic value of my own, being but dust, my creator made me something more and has made me his child. I get to run in and out of the throne room crying "Daddy!" I am assured that the Master of all Creation holds me, watches over me, loves me and has called me his friend.

Yet, should I get a swelled head as I am given this position, I can only look to the example of Christ, who humbled himself and suffered the insults of his own creation. He was wounded for MY transgressions. The punishment which enabled my position was upon him. If this God-man, the very transcendent Christ, the author and finisher of our faith, who called himself the "I AM" took insults and humiliation, why should I expect more, being his created being.

It is a great mystery to ponder. But the humiliations of this world do not change what God has done for me, nor make me any less his child. In that I can rest, and in those humbling moments I can run into the throne room of an awesome and holy God. What a blessed person I am.


I had a meltdown of sorts the past several days. I really struggle with losing my job, even though I know this is guided by and instituted by God. I also have been struggling with Steve being sent to Las Vegas to work, and feeling very alone.

The worship team has a new leader. He is terrific, but the transition is always difficult for me. Will I be obsolete? Am I too old? I know Miriam led worship when she was quite old (was she ninety something?) but the modern church does not want to use a woman in that capacity at any advanced age. At a certain point I will simply be eased out as being too ancient. Each time there is this transition I go through the same wondering. Each time as the schedule changes and I find myself being used only occasionally, I wonder if this isn't it.

Each time there is a struggle inside about whether God finds me of little use anymore. I like to lead, but I am always willing to follow, and to take whatever place is asked of me. If it is to sing backup, fine. What is not fine is to be shelved. Each time this happens I go through a time of sorting through with God that it is His right to determine when and where and how I am used. So I must not think too highly of myself, but remember that I am a tool in the hand of my God.

I am a tool in the hand of my God altogether. Whether in the worship team, in work, at home, or in any other area of life. I would love to say that I never fight his will for me, but sometimes his will is hard for me. I forget or have a hard time seeing his love and his good plan in the midst of some of the difficulties of life. When I see what seems likely to happen, I sometimes ask why or how am I supposed to do this? I do want God's will, but the adventure of living in his will, sometimes the adventure is a dirty, nasty uncomfortable thing. I want it to be exciting AND safe. It's a silly idea. Nothing truly exciting and good is safe. Nothing that is truly ennobling and worthwhile is easy.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Rock My World

Pastor Ron was speaking today about Paul's conversion and how the world was changed, not only for Paul and Ananias, but for the whole world with that amazing circumstance. Ron asked us to pray that God would rock our world and that we would be ready for what was coming and trust God to make a way.

I can't help but think that God has already been rocking my world for months or even years. I'm not sure I want to be rocked more.

What I would like is to be part of a grander plan and to see lives changed and souls saved. I would love to see and be part of 10's or 100's being saved. Even one would be exciting. I want to see marriages changed, divorces halted, people get off drugs, and people turn from chasing their dreams of dust and empty promises to truth and joy.

So I told God that while I wanted to be part of his grand plan, to live out that adventurous life winning souls and encouraging Christians in the faith, of seeing lives transformed, but that I was really hoping and longing not to be moving again. Even that I will do if he asks it of me, though it makes me very sad and depressed.