Created by Anu
Garg.

Broken-hearted

Ryan, our associate pastor, asked last night, "What breaks your heart?" I didn't have to think long about it. I had no less than three different women talk to me last night about how their marriages are falling apart. Two are already at the divorce stage, and the third is at the pain, discouragement and hopeless stage.

I found myself close to tears on the way to work this morning. The only thing that kept me from it is my fear that if I started I could not stop. I would be a crying wreck all day. This rips me up. Why is there divorce in the church? I'm not saying that I don't understand why these individuals are having problems, just that most of the time it is so preventable. If we can learn how to live out our faith in our own homes, and to display the sacrificial love of Christ with each other, there is no need for this. My compassion for these folks is huge, because I truly understand the depth of pain that a broken relationship causes, but I also understand the healing that can come through Christ.

Another thing that breaks my heart. In the news there is the story of Trinity Missionary Baptist Church which has had such intense altercations in the church that the police have been called. One source said the police had been there nine times!! I am sick about it. Sick! There have been both physical and verbal altercations.

It breaks my heart and makes me angry. How do we as the Christian community step in and help these people and this sick and broken church body to be restored? Someone tell me please.

God's Gal

Some people have easy, fairly uncomplicated lives. Oh, they have a big problem now and then--the death of a loved one, they or someone they know have a bout of cancer or some other painful or difficult disease--but they recover from their one big thing and go on.

The thing about being "God's guy" is that he choses the path we walk. His guys in the Old Testament were to go through imprisonment, or told to marry a prostitute, sold into slavery, running from cave to cave while the king chased him, or had the queen out for his head. Moses was chosen and then got to walk back across the desert to Egypt and face down the angry Pharoah. God's guy. God's guy finally led his people out of Egypt in triumph, only to meet their bitter wailing again and again. During his 40 years of faithful service he disobeyed one time in anger, striking a rock instead of speaking the command and was barred from entering the promised land. God's guy.

What happens to us when we say "yes" to God? What are we signing up for? I struggle when the path he puts before me seems strewn with landmines. I lose sight sometimes of the ways he holds me close and says he loves me in the midst of the raging storms that surround me so often. I find myself asking "Why?" far too often. I know the answer is often a reminder that he does not have to check his decisions with me, and that what seems overwhelming are often temporary storms that will be over tomorrow or next week, next month, next year.

The only thing that seems worse than walking this path sometimes, is the idea that I not walk this path. Another path would mean to walk alone, and I don't think I have the strength to walk even an easy path alone. I don't have the wisdom to walk alone without totally screwing things up. I don't have the strength for even the most gentle stroll without his presence.

People hurt us, say mean things, we don't know the truth about what other people are doing, friends disappoint, family betray us, lie to us or about us, jobs are lost, finances strained, to say nothing of the foolish things we do to ourselves. In a life full of disappointments both large and small, how does anyone walk alone?

Once more, in the difficulties of this moment, I must chose to believe what God says about himself. He says he is faithful and utterly dependable. He says he will never leave us. When I look around and wonder where has he gone, I can rest in the surety that he has promised this and that even though I can be faithless that he cannot betray his promises to me. (2 Tim 2:13). For him to do so would be to be other than he is. Isn't that comforting? I might betray him and be faithless, but he will remain faithful. It is a humbling and glorious thought.

So while I am asking, "why this?" or "why now?" or "are you kidding me?" He is saying, you may not completely trust me in this, but you can. Haven't I proven myself to you over and over?

So what does this mean when I consider being God's guy or God's gal? Whether he has chosen the path in front of me, or has chosen to make good out of it is not always clear to me. What is true is that he is faithful and even if he has chosen a path of struggle, near constant trials, I will choose to trust. Over and over and over again, I will choose. And when my moments of questioning, struggle and doubt are staring me in the face, when discouragement and depression grab hold of me, when I beg God to let me out of my present circumstances, even then I will chose trust. I will remember what God has done for all of his guys and gals, what he has done for me and I will take him at his word.

So, Lord, I trust you in the midst of this flood that seems to be rising around me, the circumstances that threaten to sweep me off my feet. When the rains are so strong that I feel I can't breathe through the water that runs in my mouth, up my nose and beats on my face so that I can't see, then I will trust you to rescue me and to carry me through the flood waters.

I don't understand what you are doing Lord. I don't understand and I am frightened at the things you allow me to go through. I am frightened that you seem to choose such neverending difficulties for me. I don't want my life to be a non-stop action scene from Indiana Jones. I don't want this. But you didn't want the cross. You asked for there to be another way. Oh, you understand this. You understand that I want this to be another way. You understand that I am afraid. But this means that I will choose what you chose, to do the will of the Father and I will trust that my pain and confusion is not forgotten by you. Forgive me for the times that my faith grows thin, when my trust hangs by a thread. Forgive me when I forget that you are faithful and true. Forgive me when I forget that you love me.

So today, I have decided once again that I am glad to be God's Gal, no matter what that looks like. I wish I could believe that I have decided this once and for all. My repetitive doubts, fears and longing for my life to be different will probably resurface, and I will probably ask again, why? But I am assured that when I am faithless he will be faithful because he cannot go against his very nature. I'm happy to be the Gal of a God like that.

I've been thinking...

About Heroes.

Blame it on Ron and Ryan, who have begun a series on biblical heroes. I am thinking about heroes. One of my new heroes is a friend of mine who has decided to follow the Spirit's prompting through the Word and doing something that is scary and seems foolish to most people. I am so proud of her.

I have decided that obedience based on my understanding of the command, the reasoning behind it and assenting mentally to the wisdom of that course of action is not obedience at all. I am still then relying on my own wisdom to determine what I am going to do. True obedience does not require understanding, it requires knowledge of and trust in the one who gives the command.

I also tried to compose an Ode to Garbage Men that goes something like this:

My heros are the men who came today
and hauled my rubbish away
Without them my house would reek
with the smells of food I didn't eat
Papers would gather, cans would collect
bags would bulge in stacks by the sink
Without these men the smells of
burning trash would fill the air
from the incinerators the acrid smoke would pour
As we reduce our trash to ash.

Their uniforms may not be NFL chic
Their trucks I may not envy
But I can live without the game
Without my trash men? Never.

Okay, so it's not great literature, but it amuses me.

What a wild and crazy summer it's been...

How do people who work demanding jobs keep up with their blogs? I must admit to being too exhausted to even turn on the computer much of the time. Between the job, the house being under re-construction, covering for a co-worker on extended leave, yard work, church work, the dogs, the yard....oh my.

Trying to get the house ready for my parents to move in didn't exactly work out the way I had planned. We had a month less time than I realized, so they were moving in and the rooms weren't even empty of our stuff. I have furniture in the family room that needs to get moved out and put into storage in the garage or elsewhere, but there is little room to maneuver it around.

One of the most difficult things about this summer has been that I have felt disabled. I have never really accepted any disability. I want to curse and stomp my feet and argue with God. I am really hurting and have so little stamina. It's so frustrating. And yet...God has allowed this for reasons of his own. I cannot know or understand why. What does this do? Why provide a job that I must do, that is clear. The job is a total answer to prayer and a clear mission from above, yet it takes almost all my strength, and sometimes there simply isn't enough strength for the job. I take the Lyrica but I don't see any improvement. I have cut back my activity, but don't see any improvement in strength.

We rely so heavily on our ability to pick up after ourselves, to keep our little universe clean, to clean out the truck, to do our own laundry, to carry clothes upstairs, to hang up the towels--to complete tasks we start. As it is, my deck is a mess, but every time I clean it up, someone comes along and does some work and leaves their mess. By the time I summon the energy to clean up an area, someone comes behind me and messes it up.

Get the dining room cleaned out and all the boxed up kitchen stuff neatly stored in the guest room? Then the construction material and tools for the kitchen show up there, or someone comes for a visit and leaves stuff on the dining room table. The molding is removed from the dining room and placed in the only orderly room in the house--the living room, making that room unusable.

I don't have the strength to keep up with it all and it truly just makes me want to cry.

I don't mean this to be complaining, just explaining what has been going on.

There are difficulties on the job that I can't even explain here, and I have some kind of stomach virus that the doctor says isn't leaving because of the stress. I am worn out, used up, over-stretched, overcome, and that seems to be right where God wants me.

I was told by another Christian in my work world who has been watching my situation that she could clearly see that I was under attack. "You did know that..." she stated in a way that made it sound more like a question. Although I instantly knew it was true, I hadn't recognized the attack as a spiritual one, as something coming straight from the Evil One. She said she had seen it and had been praying. She said I needed to gather my intercessors.

I have been wondering what she meant by "my intercessors". Are we talking a group or groups of people who gather to pray for me? Who would that be? I have some friends who pray as they remember, but this sounded like a more organized gathering.

I was puzzling over this, and feeling a bit discouraged as I tried to think who would be willing to do this when another friend of mine told me the story of a day when she was just overwhelmed by the thought that Jesus was interceeding on her behalf and was praying for her. Romans 8:34
says it is Christ who interceeds for us.

Can you imagine? If there is a prayer group getting together on my behalf, it is led by Christ himself! It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. I am choked up at the thought that Christ prays for me. The Spirit speaks to the Father on my behalf when I cannot utter a thing. How about that?

I am overwhelmed, feeling as if God has either abandoned or forgotten me, and instead the triune God has their head(s) together conversing about me and my situation. If that won't humble you and bring you to your knees, I can't imagine what it would take.

I sometimes feel as if God's love is a distant thing. As if God has difficulty bonding with his children, or has some kind of attachment disorder. Instead of that, He never forgets me, He never stops loving me, His affection and delight in me knows no bounds. How is that even possible? Even I know what a mess I am, how incredibly undeserving I am, how can He not know that? How can he love me anyway?

The weird thinking goes like this: I don't deserve His love, but I deserve better than this. Sounds like double-minded thinking to me.

Or maybe I know I don't really deserve to live pain-free, but I long for it anyway. I long to be energetic and healthy. I long to be able to clean up without being so tired I simply want to weep. I long to be able to travel without the fear of having to use a wheelchair in the airport. It makes me feel so vulnerable and weak that a broken wheel on my suitcase can destroy a trip. I feel very vulnerable that I cannot keep my own yard clean, weeded, mown, trimmed, and sometimes I can't even haul the trash to the curb on Friday--and the container is on wheels!

Oh FM, how I hate you. And Arthur Itis is no friend of mine. Sciatica is my enemy.

Ah well, with enemies like that, it's a good thing that my heavenly trio is having a prayer meeting for me. If God is for me, who can stand against me?

101 Details

I love projects. Projects with deadlines and some pressure to accomplish out-of-the-ordinary things are perhaps my favorite. What is fun about projects in small companies is that you are in charge of all the details, make all the arrangements, you are the main contact person for every issue and so you have a good idea of how everything is falling into place and know who to call when something happens. That is the fun part. You are the captain of the ship.

The problem is that it is a very small ship and you often have little or no resources or amenities while accomplishing your task.

When you have a project in a very large company, you are not the captain. You have to coordinate with multiple departments, many of whom make decisions without your input, or your knowledge. You probably don't know all the players or even what all the departments do, which may mean that you don't know who to talk to if, say, your phones get shut off 10 days prior to the office move. You may not have any idea who Matt is when someone mentions his name in passing, or even be aware that he has the ultimate say over the scheduling of things.
On the other hand, working for a large corporation means you have a lot of resources and amenities at your disposal. It means that you won't be up at 3 in the morning fixing the network, because you have an IT department who has people who take care of that. It means that you don't have to negotiate with the mover, the electrician, the phone company, the old landlord, the new landlord, etc.

I liken it to the difference between riding a skidoo and being captain of a cruise ship. If you see something in the water on your skidoo, you zip around it or stop on a dime. If you see something in the water from the cruise ship, you better see it from a long way off if you need to stop or go around it. It takes a ship 3/4 to 1 1/2 miles to stop. Changing course in a large company can work the same way. This is proper, because the separation of duties provides protection for the company as a whole and it's stockholders against theft, misappropriation of funds, information theft, etc., but it often means you can't change course quickly, and misinformation once spread can be very difficult to fix.

So part of managing a large corporate project is the ability to learn and keep track of who does what. And now I'm off to attend to detail #102.

Follow up to "What Not To Say in an Interview"

"Reformed Smoker" (see comments to previous post), had some good points to make. I do not instantly judge someone, but because I may be sending my interviewee on for further interviewers, I am constantly thinking not just about their skills and qualifications, but how they present themselves. I am aware that there are many offices where orange hair and multiple piercings, low cut blouses or ragged cuffs may be acceptable attire. The problem is that unless people present themselves in the best possible light, they eliminate themselves from consideration for many positions.

I assume that when folks come to me they are earnestly seeking a good position. I am not suggesting that we lie about who we are, but that we do not alienate people right off the bat. In many companies the person doing the hiring is not necessarily the person who is doing the interviewing, at least initially. As I am interviewing folks I am trying to get a picture of the kind of position and environment that I can see that person in. Sometimes I actually get a full-color mental picture of them walking about in a company I know and in a position they are qualified for and this helps me make suitable suggestions.

I thought about pulling the previous post after reading Reformed Smoker's remarks, but I thought about it a while. Yes, it is a bit on the sarcastic side, but I mean it in good humor. I once had an interview where I had one of those nasty, drippy, phlegm filled colds. I refused to shake their hands to spare them my germs and was certain after listening to my raspy voice that I would NOT get the job. I felt bedraggled. I could not tell if I had really pulled myself together. I worked there for 4 years.

I have two goals in interviewing: first, I want to find out a person's skills, experience, education AND personality, so that I can best determine suitable placements for that person; and second, I want to be kind and encouraging, while speaking the truth, as I find the process of job-hunting can be so discouraging. By the time some people get to my office they have had their self-esteem battered by interviewers and other staffing agencies. I firmly believe that anyone can find a job given enough determination, smarts and encouragement. The determination I cannot provide. Some of the wisdom about job searching I can provide, but what I can almost always provide is encouragement. But sometimes, the people who come through the door seem so ill-prepared that I wonder if they have a clue about what they are doing and how they come across.

So, if you have stumbled across my blog while trying to find something about job-hunting and interviewing, please be encouraged. Determination and hard-work, together with some savvy, (including the research you are already doing) will be what you need to find a suitable position.

Granted, in the current economy, things are getting more difficult, and historically there are times when even the finest people are not employed (the Great Depression, for instance) and it may take more time and more determination than ever.

A staffing service is one tool of many. I look at it as a way to expand your network, so that you have a few more eyes and ears out looking on your behalf. This may not be the path you choose, and more power to you. I am truly pleased for anyone who finds suitable employment in an upright and honorable way. I truly wish you all the best in this, one of life's most difficult endeavors.