Reasons

Why art thou depressed? Let me count the reasons.

1. Financial. The up and down nature of our construction business. Even when we have a lot of work, it is difficult to get paid for the work we have done. This is a constant struggle and it's driving me nuts. After a while I start thinking, why, Lord? Why can't we just have one month where people pay what they owe on time and we can meet our obligations on time? Why am I constantly going around like the beggar child, unable to pay my own way for a conference I need to go to, pay my real estate bills on time, or some of the simple things I ask? Am I asking too much? A birthday comes and catches me short, though a few days later the money comes in and we're fine. After church on Sunday a whole group of people go out to eat, a great social/fellowship occasion which I frequently cannot do. I cannot keep my hair appointment due to lack of funds. Lord, what am I to learn here? Am I asking too much? Do I need to simply say no to everything that costs money since I cannot plan ahead? Do I need to look at my spending again and reevaluate every dime to see where I am wasting money I could be saving? Did I need this as a reminder of how stressful it is to live under constant money pressure to reignite my compassion for those struggling within our church? Do I need this myself to learn (again) to completely throw myself upon the mercy and provision of God. Jehovah Jireh. None of us has anything except as it comes from the hand of God. Steve Thurman, founding pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Colorado Springs, told me that many years ago. I've never forgotten it, though at times I struggle with the timing of is provision. I need to repent. In my arrogance, I have decided once again that He is not dealing well with me, and that he should manage our provision differently. I have forsaken trust.

2. Work. No, I mean my other work. Real Estate. While I often talk about how much I love real estate, and I do, this year has been really tough. Spring and Summer, when the business is supposed to be at its vibrant best, have been slower than slow. I have taken a hard look at myself and I dislike the person I see. I want to be more outgoing. I like people, really I do, but I don't seem to vibrate that as some people do. People aren't naturally drawn to me. So I have to figure out something different. A different approach. Again, I have forsaken what I believe. I believe that God made me exactly the way he wanted me for his own purposes and designs, but I keep telling the potter that he got it all wrong. I want to be the hard-charging, outgoing, type-A, but I wasn't made that way.

3. Family. Although I am determined to ignore what is happening with my parents, I have not managed to do so thus far. I need to learn how to seperate myself emotionally from the situation. Also, I have been so hurt and angry that my brother is mad at me and I need to forgive the hurt feelings, do whatever I can to mend the relationship and to move on. You can't make someone forgive you, and you often don't understand how what you said or did affects the other person. I'll concede that he may be silent right now for other reasons having nothing to do with any held grudge. The entire thing may be in my fertile imagination which says that no response means no acceptance of my apology and thus no forgiveness. And even if I am reading the situation correctly, I must learn to let him deal with his own stuff and learn not to take it personally. Do what I can to mend the situation "as much as it depends on you" as the verse says. I need to throw the entire family thing into the hands of God and ask him to bear the stress and anxiety. "Be anxious for nothing..."

I think that's enough for one day. I'll be mulling this over today as I seek to come to terms with God and to avail myself of the "mind of Christ". I do not believe that Christ wallowed in depression, and if I am to put on the mind of Christ, I need to think as he thinks. Oh fill me again, and remove those things in me that keep me from trust, from faith, from utter dependence, and restore to me a grateful dependence on you, Lord. Help me to rely utterly on your provision in all my ways. Direct my paths O Lord and let me not be ashamed of how you are dealing with me. Teach me to number my days, to take stock of what I should and should not be doing. Teach me dependence on you and let me walk in the sweetness of your presence with joy. Restore to me that joy, Lord. Forgive me for my anger and my despair. Forgive me for wanting to design myself in my own way, and for wishing to be other than as you have made me. You are the Creator. You are the all-knowing, all-loving, all sufficient one. Thank you that in your mercy you don't squash me when I, in my arrogance, presume to know better than you. I need the mind of Christ. I need so desperately to think the way you think and to love the way you love, to put others before myself and to walk humbly in obedience. I need you, o Lord, with each breath I need you. I am a vacuum without you, utterly empty and so needy.