Sunday, August 06, 2006


Today I have come face to face with a fact I do not want to admit. I am depressed. Not kind of, not a little bit, not mildly, but I have now hit a real bonafide depression. Evidence: not canceling appointments as soon as I knew there was a conflict, and letting the appointment come and go without canceling. Evidence: exhaustion. Evidence: despite visits from some of my closest friends over the past three weeks, there is no continued lift in spirits once they have gone. Evidence: I was invited to go on a trip and I have turned it down. Even without the evidence, I know the way I feel.

So far this is not the bone-crushing depression I have experienced in the past, but from here I know the slope can be dangerously slick. When I get like this I don't want to be around people, even though it is probably best for me to be. It is difficult to do things I should unless they are strictly necessary or urgent.

I hate to do it, but if this doesn't lift in the next couple of weeks I will have to go back on anti-depressants. What causes the chemical imbalance that causes this I don't know, and as far as I understand no one else really does either. I guess we don't even know if some stressful event or wrong thinking causes the depression which changes the chemical balance in your brain or if it is the chemical imbalance that makes you more susceptible to stress. It doesn't really matter, the medications tend to work, at least for the most part.

There is still a part of me that feels great shame at this weakness. I would rather hibernate and wallow than let people know what is going on.

As to cause, well, the recent discord in the family has really upset me, my allergies are really off the charts, and I've been hurting a lot.

Frankly, I'm angry about the family discord, particularly the stuff aimed at me. Angry because I don't know what to do, Angry because I've been doing the best I knew how all along, but don't get credit for that, and really hurt that my apology has not been accepted. I have decided that I am no longer paying any attention to the regular news updates on the family situation. I simply cannot handle it. It seems that the expectation is that I will have no reaction to the health reports, near death episodes, stressing out, etc., which seems ridiculous to me. I guess for my own sanity I am going to ignore the situation. If anyone wants help, they can ask for it. I'm not good at merely listening to problems and commiserating without any action steps. I think that is what is expected. Listen, nod and murmur understanding syllables, but take no action, formulate no plans, do nothing. Not my strong suit. I'm a problem-solver. Analyze the situation, look for options and determine the best course of action.

Possible course of action to alieviate depression symptoms: walk, eat decent food regularly, no junk food, good music, garden, meditate on God's goodness, pray for God's healing and intervention, and look at the things going on in my life that I need to change or accept...basically deal with my stuff.

In the meantime, covering up is not an option, though it is what I would prefer. I dislike being vulnerable and allowing people the opportunity to look down on me for this weakness. Perhaps I should just allow myself to cry.


1 comment:

Beth said...

So sorry. I've been out of the loop and not at all available or helpful lately. But I'm glad you're doing better from the later posts.