I've been watching a friend's blog for her while she is on a road trip. This consists of adding post from guest bloggers, and today I added one of my own. You can read it here.
I had an interesting day today. I met with the realtor whose open house I will be sitting this weekend. She graciously went over how she does an open house, how she prepares, what to bring, how to deal with problems that come up, follow through, sogn placement, etc. What many people don't know about open houses is that statistically your home isn't sold through an open house. Of course you can't afford to ignore any of the bases. The fact is that some homes ARE sold at the open house.
Next I met with a mortgage banker who I have been working with. He's a really good guy, and I hope to do a lot of business with him. We had an interesting talk, and he said I had encouraged him, which is not a bad way to spend your time, if you ask me. Then I raced up to the north end of town to catch my husband on his way out of town.
We headed to Longmont where the plan was to go up for the inspection of a small shopping center project and to pick up all our tools. The best laid plans...
The work was not ready for inspection, and so Steve worked with our lead guy for several hours trying to finish things. The inspection had to be cancelled due to the work delay, but when we left, the tools were all loaded on the truck, and the job is about half an hour from inspection ready and can be completed with only a few missing pieces picked up from our supply house.
Between one thing and another we didn't get home 'til after 10 tonight, with a garden to water and a "lawn" to water. I have seeded the yard, front and back, twice in the past three weeks. Portions of it are taking, but major portions of the yard are barren, except for some particularly vigorous weeds.
I have no great insights today, no revelations or pithy thoughts, but it was a strange day. Too busy to eat, I had nothing but a frappachino lite and some pretzels until we stopped at Outback. what is usually at least two meals made one. How, I'm not sure. I haven't been able to eat that much in one sitting for a long time. Most times I can't even try. I can't remember when I last left a restaurant without a to go box.
Earlier, while Steve was working, I took advantage of the opportunity to head to the Longmont mall. I found a store closing sale and actually found three pair of pants that fit. That never happens. I didn't buy them, but am thinking about going to my local branch of that same store and see if they have those pants. The problem is that I never look as good in clothes as I do the first time I try them on in the fitting room mirrors. For whatever reason, I seem to be able to delude myself that things look good only to find out later that they don't at all. This is, of course, after I have worn and washed those clothes and can no longer return them. So perhaps it's better not to buy the clothes at all, and not be disappointed.
Well, goodnight dear reader. Come visit my open house this weekend. Or come visit Community Church of the Rockies this weekend (9 and 11). I will be there singing both services. I'm having to step in and sing a song in a key that is really tough for me. It is a step or two too high, but we had a problem with wrong charts and one of our musicions who cannot learn it in a new key in two days time. I don't blame him at all. We are not all natural musicians. Most of us must practice, and last minute changes are pretty difficult. Maybe that is the lesson of the day. We can all learn to do things well, but we have different talents and abilities as well as different training. There are certain things that will always take a lot of effort and time to do well. For me, it isn't the harmonizing or singing the lead. It's not the notes, though I do practice, especially if a song has difficult breathing requirements for my asthmatic self. What is hard for me is lyrics. I get them mixed up, which you cannot do when you are leading, or when people are following the lyrics on screen. For this musician, he poured hours into learning the songs to play them properly, and it is unkind to try to make him wing it. I hope that you have found something worth the effort, and that you are honored for that work. Good Night!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
The Greatest Woman You Never Met
I say without reservation that my friend Kathi Sipes is probably the greatest woman I know. I have spent years learning from her as I reveled in her friendship. I have learned more about living my faith by watching her and studying what she is like, than by any book or Bible study outside of the Bible itself. Her life and her actions, her choices and her attitude teach me how to be a godly woman, how to love my husband and my family, how to keep a home, and how to follow Christ without reservation.
I have puzzled over her behavior, the why's of her doing things, until I have learned over and over again how each puzzling behavior is a demonstration of her faith. Each time I have puzzled, I have eventually been taught by God something I really needed to know. I have learned what submission really looks like, submission to God evidenced in so many ways, including by submission to her husband. I have learned surrender to the will of God at a time when I was struggling with a very painful and debilitating injury and the excrutiating treatments for that injury. I learned that the purpose of housekeeping is to be ready to serve, to entertain, to take advantage of opportunities that come up. I learned how to love my husband by watching how she loves hers. I have learned how to express genuine admiration, by watching her. I have watched how the most seemingly strong and capable tough guy is both gentled and built up by the loving admiration of his wife. I have watched as she deflates an angry situation through a gentle word that would have choked me. I have learned to speak gentle words when I want to bite back (if only I practiced that more often).
I have watched Kathi go to the Lord with her pain and face the day, her family, friends, work associates and irritating people with grace and good cheer.
I so want to be like Kathi. She is a woman greatly to be admired. Some people miss that because they seem to believe that anyone who is as cheerful as Kathi must either have no problems or be a moron. The truth is so different. Kathi has painful things in her life, but she chooses not to let them rule her. She is quick-witted and very intelligent woman who chooses to be cheerful rather than glum. That is so foreign to so many of us!
One day I would like to write a book for women describing lessons from Kathi. In the meantime, I will soak up every bit of time with her I can get, and will continue to work toward the day when I can be half the woman she is. You are unlikely to ever hear her speak at a conference or seminar, because she does not call attention to herself and somehow people miss her greatness. But if you one day see her name listed as speaker, do whatever it takes to listen to her. It would be a great benefit to you.
I have puzzled over her behavior, the why's of her doing things, until I have learned over and over again how each puzzling behavior is a demonstration of her faith. Each time I have puzzled, I have eventually been taught by God something I really needed to know. I have learned what submission really looks like, submission to God evidenced in so many ways, including by submission to her husband. I have learned surrender to the will of God at a time when I was struggling with a very painful and debilitating injury and the excrutiating treatments for that injury. I learned that the purpose of housekeeping is to be ready to serve, to entertain, to take advantage of opportunities that come up. I learned how to love my husband by watching how she loves hers. I have learned how to express genuine admiration, by watching her. I have watched how the most seemingly strong and capable tough guy is both gentled and built up by the loving admiration of his wife. I have watched as she deflates an angry situation through a gentle word that would have choked me. I have learned to speak gentle words when I want to bite back (if only I practiced that more often).
I have watched Kathi go to the Lord with her pain and face the day, her family, friends, work associates and irritating people with grace and good cheer.
I so want to be like Kathi. She is a woman greatly to be admired. Some people miss that because they seem to believe that anyone who is as cheerful as Kathi must either have no problems or be a moron. The truth is so different. Kathi has painful things in her life, but she chooses not to let them rule her. She is quick-witted and very intelligent woman who chooses to be cheerful rather than glum. That is so foreign to so many of us!
One day I would like to write a book for women describing lessons from Kathi. In the meantime, I will soak up every bit of time with her I can get, and will continue to work toward the day when I can be half the woman she is. You are unlikely to ever hear her speak at a conference or seminar, because she does not call attention to herself and somehow people miss her greatness. But if you one day see her name listed as speaker, do whatever it takes to listen to her. It would be a great benefit to you.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Living With Fibromyalgia
Living With Fibromyalgia Or Any Other Chronic Pain Syndrome
I was 27 when the doc told me that Fibromyalgia was the name for the galloping pains I had developed throughout my body. It was strange to me that sometimes it would hurt to hold a pen, or to walk, or do any of the normal activities of life. The doc told me I could go on disability because of it. This is back in the days when a diagnosis was pretty certain, and not given lightly. Back when it was nearly impossible to get that diagnosis due to the lack of information, lack of understanding, etc. Some skeptical medical people today will look at the time of my diagnosis as a sign of an accurate assessment. At any rate, when the doc told me I could probably go on SSI, something in me rebelled. Part of it is the Viking in me, and part of it was just fear that I would climb into bed and never get out.
If other FM people read this they are likely to be offended, but I really believe that my determination not to be crippled is what has kept me from being crippled. Most of the time I ignore it. Sometimes I am trying to figure out why something aches and I will suddenly remember...oh, yeah. It's not exactly whistling in the dark, but something like it.
My experience has been this...FM is like a flower in the garden. Given enough attention it will likely grow tall and take over, but if I ignore it, it will likely survive, but will stay insignificant, except for those periods of monsoon rains, or if I leave the sprinkler on too long and allow it to get a full long drink. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but for me, paying it attention allows it to be a much bigger part of my life than I want. It's bad enough when it forces me to take notice, but like other chronic conditions, do what the doctor says, but don't focus on it. Ignore it as best you can and keep going.
I refuse to let FM take things like rappelling or whitewater rafting away from me. Sure I might be crippled for a few days afterward, but I will have done it!
The unwilling concessions I have made to this condition are these: 1. Refrain from using power tools. The vibrations make my wrists ache so bad I want to cut off my hands. 2. Don't do too much housework at once. Suffering for housework is silly, don't you think? 3. When something big is coming up, take it easy for a while before you go. 4. Don't go building houses. I would love to go on the mission trip, building or renovating for underpriviledged people and churches, but for me to go, much as I want to, means that I'm taking the place of a fully able-bodied individual. Some of these people can do physical labor for 10-14 hours a day. If I push it, I've got a good 2 or 3 hours of physical labor. 5. Don't buy a farm unless you can afford help to run it. 6. There's no shame in asking for help, though sometimes I feel like there is. 7. Your chiropractor and massage therapist are not optional. 8. Ibuprofen, while not for everyday use, is a wonder, and comes in industrial size bottles at Sam's Club and Costco.
What would you do if you knew there would be pain afterward? I'd be willing to bet that most of us would do plenty. Would you give up all the fun and challenging things in life to be pain-free? No way! Pain is a good thing. It is our bodies way of warning us, and lack of pain is a serious and dangerous condition that you don't want! Can you say leprosy? Being unable to feel pain is a terrible thing.
Anyway, them's some of my thoughts on the subject. And remember...you only have to use the parts of your body you want to continue to function, okay?
I was 27 when the doc told me that Fibromyalgia was the name for the galloping pains I had developed throughout my body. It was strange to me that sometimes it would hurt to hold a pen, or to walk, or do any of the normal activities of life. The doc told me I could go on disability because of it. This is back in the days when a diagnosis was pretty certain, and not given lightly. Back when it was nearly impossible to get that diagnosis due to the lack of information, lack of understanding, etc. Some skeptical medical people today will look at the time of my diagnosis as a sign of an accurate assessment. At any rate, when the doc told me I could probably go on SSI, something in me rebelled. Part of it is the Viking in me, and part of it was just fear that I would climb into bed and never get out.
If other FM people read this they are likely to be offended, but I really believe that my determination not to be crippled is what has kept me from being crippled. Most of the time I ignore it. Sometimes I am trying to figure out why something aches and I will suddenly remember...oh, yeah. It's not exactly whistling in the dark, but something like it.
My experience has been this...FM is like a flower in the garden. Given enough attention it will likely grow tall and take over, but if I ignore it, it will likely survive, but will stay insignificant, except for those periods of monsoon rains, or if I leave the sprinkler on too long and allow it to get a full long drink. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but for me, paying it attention allows it to be a much bigger part of my life than I want. It's bad enough when it forces me to take notice, but like other chronic conditions, do what the doctor says, but don't focus on it. Ignore it as best you can and keep going.
I refuse to let FM take things like rappelling or whitewater rafting away from me. Sure I might be crippled for a few days afterward, but I will have done it!
The unwilling concessions I have made to this condition are these: 1. Refrain from using power tools. The vibrations make my wrists ache so bad I want to cut off my hands. 2. Don't do too much housework at once. Suffering for housework is silly, don't you think? 3. When something big is coming up, take it easy for a while before you go. 4. Don't go building houses. I would love to go on the mission trip, building or renovating for underpriviledged people and churches, but for me to go, much as I want to, means that I'm taking the place of a fully able-bodied individual. Some of these people can do physical labor for 10-14 hours a day. If I push it, I've got a good 2 or 3 hours of physical labor. 5. Don't buy a farm unless you can afford help to run it. 6. There's no shame in asking for help, though sometimes I feel like there is. 7. Your chiropractor and massage therapist are not optional. 8. Ibuprofen, while not for everyday use, is a wonder, and comes in industrial size bottles at Sam's Club and Costco.
What would you do if you knew there would be pain afterward? I'd be willing to bet that most of us would do plenty. Would you give up all the fun and challenging things in life to be pain-free? No way! Pain is a good thing. It is our bodies way of warning us, and lack of pain is a serious and dangerous condition that you don't want! Can you say leprosy? Being unable to feel pain is a terrible thing.
Anyway, them's some of my thoughts on the subject. And remember...you only have to use the parts of your body you want to continue to function, okay?
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Water, Water Everywhere And Then I'm In The Drink.
It was an incredibly warm June. Warm and dry. Our typical afternoon showers abandoned us here in Colorado and headed elsewhere. I returned to Colorado from an atypically hot dry Oregon, to rain showers. Fortunately the rain did not interfere with our landing, the lightening being a safe distance away.
It has rained every day since, and not our typical light afternoon shower. It has rained and rained and rained. July 4th we needed sweatshirts after a really strong rain cooled temps before sunset. It rained or sprinkled during our entire rafting trip. I was really glad we decided to splurge and rent wetsuits and splash jackets. It would have been miserable without them. One great thing about the rain is that it kept the bugs away. We could see them in the air, in the midst of pouring rain, tempting swallows to dart across the river for a wet feast, but the biting insects seemed to be missing.
The other plus is that sunscreen was unnecessary. The clouds were thick enough to keep us tan free.
I'll admit that I was concerned that I might not be able to pull my paddle enough to be a help and not a liability, but I did okay. At one point, hitting a rapid just right, and with the right surge of water, and all, I found my face in the river. I knew I was being thrown from the boat. One hand kept a grip on my paddle, while with the other I grabbed for the line on the side of the boat. If I was going in, at least I wasn't going to get away from the boat. I remember being surprised that the water wasn't colder. The rain felt colder than the river. Almost before I had a chance to process those thoughts, I was upright in the boat. The guide had grabbed my life jacket, and Steve had my foot. They kept me from going over completely. I'm not sure how much of me made it in the water, but my hair and hat were completely drenched, so my sense is that my whole head was under.
It was fun, but the jolt either of being thrown or being stopped so abruptly have given me some pretty strong aches and pains. About 6 or 7 on a 10 point scale. Not enough to scream, but enough to wince, moan, even cry a bit, and enough to send me to the Ibuprofen bottle, taking more than most could handle, or would need. A typical 400 miligrams does nothing for other than a mild headache with me, but 800 mg last night still didn't cut it. Today it was 1200 mg before I could move with ease. Oh the joys of FM. Before you ask, yes. It was worth it. Yes. I would do it again. I'm not sure I want to take a full-day trip, or to go on the stronger rapids. Your attachment to the raft is so minimal that it's a wonder we don't all wind up in the drink. To me anyway.
It's great fun though. It amazed me how concerned I was to pull my paddle properly for the benefit of everyone else. I was really impressed with our guide. Being right in front of her, I was able to see and feel how much work she put into the trip. She is the rudder, and knows the best paths down the river. While it might have felt like we were doing all the work, I could feel her straining to rudder the boat into the right path, the right current.
Just as a side note: Once your wet suit is wet, don't go to the bathroom until you have no other choice, because that suit is not coming back up without calling in the marines. For that reason, make sure you wear shorts over your swimsuit if you don't want to be exposed for the remainder of the trip. I'm glad was wearing those tangerine shorts under the wetsuit, that's all I'm saying.
It has rained every day since, and not our typical light afternoon shower. It has rained and rained and rained. July 4th we needed sweatshirts after a really strong rain cooled temps before sunset. It rained or sprinkled during our entire rafting trip. I was really glad we decided to splurge and rent wetsuits and splash jackets. It would have been miserable without them. One great thing about the rain is that it kept the bugs away. We could see them in the air, in the midst of pouring rain, tempting swallows to dart across the river for a wet feast, but the biting insects seemed to be missing.
The other plus is that sunscreen was unnecessary. The clouds were thick enough to keep us tan free.
I'll admit that I was concerned that I might not be able to pull my paddle enough to be a help and not a liability, but I did okay. At one point, hitting a rapid just right, and with the right surge of water, and all, I found my face in the river. I knew I was being thrown from the boat. One hand kept a grip on my paddle, while with the other I grabbed for the line on the side of the boat. If I was going in, at least I wasn't going to get away from the boat. I remember being surprised that the water wasn't colder. The rain felt colder than the river. Almost before I had a chance to process those thoughts, I was upright in the boat. The guide had grabbed my life jacket, and Steve had my foot. They kept me from going over completely. I'm not sure how much of me made it in the water, but my hair and hat were completely drenched, so my sense is that my whole head was under.
It was fun, but the jolt either of being thrown or being stopped so abruptly have given me some pretty strong aches and pains. About 6 or 7 on a 10 point scale. Not enough to scream, but enough to wince, moan, even cry a bit, and enough to send me to the Ibuprofen bottle, taking more than most could handle, or would need. A typical 400 miligrams does nothing for other than a mild headache with me, but 800 mg last night still didn't cut it. Today it was 1200 mg before I could move with ease. Oh the joys of FM. Before you ask, yes. It was worth it. Yes. I would do it again. I'm not sure I want to take a full-day trip, or to go on the stronger rapids. Your attachment to the raft is so minimal that it's a wonder we don't all wind up in the drink. To me anyway.
It's great fun though. It amazed me how concerned I was to pull my paddle properly for the benefit of everyone else. I was really impressed with our guide. Being right in front of her, I was able to see and feel how much work she put into the trip. She is the rudder, and knows the best paths down the river. While it might have felt like we were doing all the work, I could feel her straining to rudder the boat into the right path, the right current.
Just as a side note: Once your wet suit is wet, don't go to the bathroom until you have no other choice, because that suit is not coming back up without calling in the marines. For that reason, make sure you wear shorts over your swimsuit if you don't want to be exposed for the remainder of the trip. I'm glad was wearing those tangerine shorts under the wetsuit, that's all I'm saying.
Friday, July 07, 2006
All Work And No Play...
I signed us up to go on a whitewater rafting trip with some people from church. Steve works so much and is so stressed out it seemed like a good idea to get away from here for a bit. He doesn't seem too interested, in fact, it sounds like he's grumpy about the whole thing. Sometimes he acts like I'm silly (not in a good way) about stuff I want to do. If I talk about making a certain dish while our friends are visiting for several days, he barks about how he just can't think about that. He's too busy thinking about work and money and whether we'll be able to afford to even have groceries while they are here.
See, I've got a secret he hasn't tapped into. You know my Abba, my daddy, owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He can always sell one off if I'm in need.
So I have decided not to take offense that he isn't as excited about this trip as I am. In truth, I'm a bit scared about it. Not the rafting part, but the part where my shoulders haven't been working properly and my back has been giving me fits. I'm afraid that I won't be able to use the oar properly when the time comes. Still, I look forward to these kind of challenges, and to getting Steve away from the business for a while. Leaving allows you to come back refreshed and with a different perspective. Our minds need the break.
Yahoo! To the rapids!
See, I've got a secret he hasn't tapped into. You know my Abba, my daddy, owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He can always sell one off if I'm in need.
So I have decided not to take offense that he isn't as excited about this trip as I am. In truth, I'm a bit scared about it. Not the rafting part, but the part where my shoulders haven't been working properly and my back has been giving me fits. I'm afraid that I won't be able to use the oar properly when the time comes. Still, I look forward to these kind of challenges, and to getting Steve away from the business for a while. Leaving allows you to come back refreshed and with a different perspective. Our minds need the break.
Yahoo! To the rapids!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The Ramblings and Random Thoughts of...Me
That may have described my initial intentions with this blog, which is to say I had no real intentions, but as I have continued to write, I find myself coming back more and more to dwell on the verse listed below my blog title, and so I have written a new description. This journey has fits and starts and wrong turns, steep slopes and rock slides, grand vistas and fog banks. Sometimes those are all present in one morning.
*****
I have affected a style of starting sentences with "And", "But" along with other conjunctions. I use too many elipses, too many dashes and too many parenthetical remarks that probably aren't parenthetical. And I probably will not stop that.
*****
I think I have offended my parents with my concern and some of my remarks. Not intentionally, of course, but despite my best efforts to be respectful and to honor them, I may have been too blunt, too outspoken, perhaps just wrong. I admit it. I believe I am right, but I am willing to concede that people are wrong all the time, and I am very likely wrong quite often. Sometimes I think Dad is doing much better than even he thinks, but other times I'm not certain he is even as well as Mom thinks. Clearly they aren't ready for anything like assisted living. Clearly. Ohmigosh, I would be so offended if I were in their shoes. No one wants to need help at all, but clearly, according to our beliefs, according to Scripture, we all need help. Note: I wrote this in one of my placate-the-parents moods. Upon further reflection and a dose of honesty, assisted living may be the best. Not for Mom, who clearly doesn't need it, but for Dad, since really, he is already in assisted living. Mom is assisting his living. Once you need help such as Mom provides, it doesn't seem right to pretend you don't need it. It certainly doesn't seem right once you need that assistance to insist that only one person provide it, whether you are the receiver OR the provider. We aren't meant to carry these times alone.
The problem is that the Bible gives direction that we are to honor our parents and that it is shameful not to care for them. There is a fine line between the day one needs no help and the day one needs some help. It isn't clearly defined, but in my opinion, a person who intends to honor that commitment and that God-given responsibility needs to keep a sharp eye out. Not to do so would be neglecting your responsibilities. Heck, it's not an onerous burden, it's what you do because you love them, and you honor them for caring for you when you were a little snot.
I mean we would all like to think that we die while hiking a tall mountain, overlooking a grand view, or safely sleeping in our own bed with no pain, but many of us will not do that. I think Dad would like that...to spend his final moments looking out over Mysterious Lake, crawling into a warm sleeping bag and waking up in Heaven. I know I would like to spend my final moments there. But we are neither of us likely to do that again unless there are helicopters, pack horses, oxygen tanks, air mattresses and young folks to haul the firewood and cook the meals. Barring that, we are likely to face some amount of impairment this side of heaven. I would just like to feel that I did my best to make my parent's lives a little easier, a bit more pleasant and gave them some happy times. Aging is frightening, at least it is for me. I'm concerned that the arthritis that is already limiting some of my activities will be a monster as I get older. I wonder how bad it will be when I'm 60 or 70. It's not dying that frightens me. Pain frightens me. Depending on others frightens me. God is utterly reliable, I'm pretty sure no human is.
I hope my parents will understand the love that is behind my bumbling. And I hope they will forgive me, for surely they must have wondered at times if there were more they could or should do for their parents.
*****
Matthew 26: 36-44. One of the garden of Gethemane passages in the gospels, this is where Jesus, knowing his death and the torment surrounding it was imminent, prayed to have it taken from him "nevertheless, not my will..." and yielded to the Father's will. This is probably my favorite passage in all of Scripture, together with Luke's retelling of the same events. The events in the garden are so incredible to me in their depiction of the Jesus who loved me enough that he endured the unendurable. He gave up not just his life, but took on the horrors of sin, as the only human who could ever understand what true horror that is. Knowing he would have to be severed from contact, from the deepest of all communion, with the Father, even though the horror and the struggle took him to his knees three times--not mild prayers, but agonized, heart-wrenched, blood, sweat and tears struggling, yet each time he submitted to the will of the Father, even though he pleaded three times. Oh that Jesus I understand. Or at least that Jesus understands me when I struggle. How wonderful it is to me to know that he truly understands! I used to feel guilty struggling to accept God's will, but Jesus struggled too! "For even Christ pleased not himself..." Rom. 15:3, and if HE did not pursuit his own pleasure, his own desires, shouldn't I be ready to deny what I want if it isn't in alignment with what God wants? "With his stripes we are healed" Isaiah 53:5. He did not please himself, and it cost him. It cost him torture. I would not endure one moment of pain I didn't have to endure, but though he could have called three thousand angels, or commanded the ground to open up and swallow his tormentors, he did not. He knew the price and he paid it. Willingly, but not without struggle. Those stripes healed me. His obedience paid for my disobedience. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. He knew what he was in for. He knew the torture to come. He didn't run toward it, but in spite of not wanting it, he pressed forward, certain that he was doing the Father's will. He did that for you. He did that for me. It makes me weep.
*****
I have affected a style of starting sentences with "And", "But" along with other conjunctions. I use too many elipses, too many dashes and too many parenthetical remarks that probably aren't parenthetical. And I probably will not stop that.
*****
I think I have offended my parents with my concern and some of my remarks. Not intentionally, of course, but despite my best efforts to be respectful and to honor them, I may have been too blunt, too outspoken, perhaps just wrong. I admit it. I believe I am right, but I am willing to concede that people are wrong all the time, and I am very likely wrong quite often. Sometimes I think Dad is doing much better than even he thinks, but other times I'm not certain he is even as well as Mom thinks. Clearly they aren't ready for anything like assisted living. Clearly. Ohmigosh, I would be so offended if I were in their shoes. No one wants to need help at all, but clearly, according to our beliefs, according to Scripture, we all need help. Note: I wrote this in one of my placate-the-parents moods. Upon further reflection and a dose of honesty, assisted living may be the best. Not for Mom, who clearly doesn't need it, but for Dad, since really, he is already in assisted living. Mom is assisting his living. Once you need help such as Mom provides, it doesn't seem right to pretend you don't need it. It certainly doesn't seem right once you need that assistance to insist that only one person provide it, whether you are the receiver OR the provider. We aren't meant to carry these times alone.
The problem is that the Bible gives direction that we are to honor our parents and that it is shameful not to care for them. There is a fine line between the day one needs no help and the day one needs some help. It isn't clearly defined, but in my opinion, a person who intends to honor that commitment and that God-given responsibility needs to keep a sharp eye out. Not to do so would be neglecting your responsibilities. Heck, it's not an onerous burden, it's what you do because you love them, and you honor them for caring for you when you were a little snot.
I mean we would all like to think that we die while hiking a tall mountain, overlooking a grand view, or safely sleeping in our own bed with no pain, but many of us will not do that. I think Dad would like that...to spend his final moments looking out over Mysterious Lake, crawling into a warm sleeping bag and waking up in Heaven. I know I would like to spend my final moments there. But we are neither of us likely to do that again unless there are helicopters, pack horses, oxygen tanks, air mattresses and young folks to haul the firewood and cook the meals. Barring that, we are likely to face some amount of impairment this side of heaven. I would just like to feel that I did my best to make my parent's lives a little easier, a bit more pleasant and gave them some happy times. Aging is frightening, at least it is for me. I'm concerned that the arthritis that is already limiting some of my activities will be a monster as I get older. I wonder how bad it will be when I'm 60 or 70. It's not dying that frightens me. Pain frightens me. Depending on others frightens me. God is utterly reliable, I'm pretty sure no human is.
I hope my parents will understand the love that is behind my bumbling. And I hope they will forgive me, for surely they must have wondered at times if there were more they could or should do for their parents.
*****
Matthew 26: 36-44. One of the garden of Gethemane passages in the gospels, this is where Jesus, knowing his death and the torment surrounding it was imminent, prayed to have it taken from him "nevertheless, not my will..." and yielded to the Father's will. This is probably my favorite passage in all of Scripture, together with Luke's retelling of the same events. The events in the garden are so incredible to me in their depiction of the Jesus who loved me enough that he endured the unendurable. He gave up not just his life, but took on the horrors of sin, as the only human who could ever understand what true horror that is. Knowing he would have to be severed from contact, from the deepest of all communion, with the Father, even though the horror and the struggle took him to his knees three times--not mild prayers, but agonized, heart-wrenched, blood, sweat and tears struggling, yet each time he submitted to the will of the Father, even though he pleaded three times. Oh that Jesus I understand. Or at least that Jesus understands me when I struggle. How wonderful it is to me to know that he truly understands! I used to feel guilty struggling to accept God's will, but Jesus struggled too! "For even Christ pleased not himself..." Rom. 15:3, and if HE did not pursuit his own pleasure, his own desires, shouldn't I be ready to deny what I want if it isn't in alignment with what God wants? "With his stripes we are healed" Isaiah 53:5. He did not please himself, and it cost him. It cost him torture. I would not endure one moment of pain I didn't have to endure, but though he could have called three thousand angels, or commanded the ground to open up and swallow his tormentors, he did not. He knew the price and he paid it. Willingly, but not without struggle. Those stripes healed me. His obedience paid for my disobedience. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. He knew what he was in for. He knew the torture to come. He didn't run toward it, but in spite of not wanting it, he pressed forward, certain that he was doing the Father's will. He did that for you. He did that for me. It makes me weep.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Three Days
Grandma always said that three days was long enough for anyone to visit. You've said everything there is to say, you've seen everybody, now it's time to go before everyone get's tired of each other. 14 days with Mom and Dad hasn't made us tire of each other, but it does make one tired of the disruption of schedule, of different foods, of sleeping on air mattresses (although that is surprisingly comfortable), of being away from family, away from my dogs, my church, my garden. It hasn't been long enough that Walmart seems like a good outing...yet.
It has been long enough that I will once again really long for water once I'm gone, rivers, the ocean, lakes. I have to finish my pond and waterfall. There is something so restful and healing and necessary about water. Pounding, fushing, falling, rippling, running water. Water. It's not just for drinking anymore. Or something like that.
I would not have had to come here to long for my mom and my dad. Heck, my granddad died in February of 1982 and I still miss him. A picture of him will still put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. But we buck up and get on with the business of living. Some days the pain, grief and troubles of life threaten to overwhelm, but we know that there is no new trouble under the sun, and we know that life continues. Somehow we go on after the worst of trouble. We know that those who have gone before us have always done so, how can we do less?
For some reason, the listings of generations in the Bible has been of comfort and strength for me lately. In Genesis it lists the men in the direct line of Abraham and Isaac. This list goes on and on. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, etc., etc. Somehow all of those living, having children and dying reinforces to me that this is the cycle of life since the fall. Nothing that is happening here is unique (except that it is happening to ME, of course). It is not out of the experience of mankind. That gives me comfort that no matter how overwhelming the grief, and how great the pain, it can be endured, and it will wane. Life will continue.
I still hope that Mom and Dad decide to move near family while it is still a possibility. Mom needs it, and honestly, I think Dad would appreciate it, even though he doesn't want to need anyone. Still...you can WANT to be around family even if you don't NEED it, right?
As with every time I fly, I can't sleep tonight, even though I lost sleep last night and don't have to be at the airport 'til 2 pm. Grrr. going to bed now.
It has been long enough that I will once again really long for water once I'm gone, rivers, the ocean, lakes. I have to finish my pond and waterfall. There is something so restful and healing and necessary about water. Pounding, fushing, falling, rippling, running water. Water. It's not just for drinking anymore. Or something like that.
I would not have had to come here to long for my mom and my dad. Heck, my granddad died in February of 1982 and I still miss him. A picture of him will still put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. But we buck up and get on with the business of living. Some days the pain, grief and troubles of life threaten to overwhelm, but we know that there is no new trouble under the sun, and we know that life continues. Somehow we go on after the worst of trouble. We know that those who have gone before us have always done so, how can we do less?
For some reason, the listings of generations in the Bible has been of comfort and strength for me lately. In Genesis it lists the men in the direct line of Abraham and Isaac. This list goes on and on. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, etc., etc. Somehow all of those living, having children and dying reinforces to me that this is the cycle of life since the fall. Nothing that is happening here is unique (except that it is happening to ME, of course). It is not out of the experience of mankind. That gives me comfort that no matter how overwhelming the grief, and how great the pain, it can be endured, and it will wane. Life will continue.
I still hope that Mom and Dad decide to move near family while it is still a possibility. Mom needs it, and honestly, I think Dad would appreciate it, even though he doesn't want to need anyone. Still...you can WANT to be around family even if you don't NEED it, right?
As with every time I fly, I can't sleep tonight, even though I lost sleep last night and don't have to be at the airport 'til 2 pm. Grrr. going to bed now.
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